Thoughts on ctb with a child

[got1992thumbs]

I was planning to ctb by exit bag 2 years ago after my dog died. I have vision and hearing impairments which make it really difficult for me to find stable employment. I've been depressed as long as I can remember. I basically hate the majority of people but I think that may just be displaced hated of myself. Anyway not even a month after my dog died I met this woman and it all got fucked up. I've still been suicidal and my partner has not really made things better. I realize now she is a kind of fucked up person. We have a kid together. People keep telling me my daughter needs me but I don't know. I wish my dad had killed himself before he had the chance to fuck me up to much. Would that have been better than the abuse? I will never hurt my daughter in that way but I have been a failure all my life and I feel certain I am going to fail her too. My partner tells me I am a disappointment and her life would be better if I was dead. I am so confused, I thought this person loved me which was why we chose to bring life into this world. I don't know what to do I feel like either way I will only hurt the people I love but at least if I go it will only be one hurt and then they will be rid of me. I know that the older she gets the more impact it would have on her so I feel like I need to do it soon.

Does anyone have experience with a parent ctb or someone you knew who did who had kids? I know it's a stupid fucking question but were they ok?

 

[peaceindeath]

If she is old enough, write a letter to explain

 

[got1992thumbs]

If she is old enough, write a letter to explain

She is 9 mo. I feel like if I wrote something my partner would destroy it before it ever got to her

 

[peaceindeath]

If you want to exit, better do it before she gets older. Now she doesn't understand. You won't mean anything to her.

 

[JeanLucPicard]

Do it before she gets older. And, ideally, do it in a way where you aren't going to be found.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

I knew somebody that took their own life when they had an infant child. It was the same thing, struggling with employment, feelings of inadequacy etc. The fact you're feeling this way, shows that you care. You're not a bad father because you suffer from depression. There are parents out there who don't give a fuck about their children, parents that physically and emotionally abuse them.

It sounds like you have a vindictive partner and who knows what she's going to tell your daugther about you? You won't be around to share your side of the story.

I'm not a pro-lifer by any means, but I would hope that you reconsider. At least don't do anything rash in the immediate. You have a lot on your plate. Being a young father creates extreme pressure and can cause great distress if you don't feel good enough. The majority of suicides I see in the local news are actually young fathers.

Could you stand the thought that if you die, some other prick out there will be raising your daughter as his own one day?

 

[Rumi]

You may want to reword the title, OP. Glowies and pro-lifers will use anything to attack this site.

 

[got1992thumbs]

You may want to reword the title, OP. Glowies and pro-lifers will use anything to attack this site.

Is this possible? I don't see anywhere to do so but I think I see what you mean

Could you stand the thought that if you die, some other prick out there will be raising your daughter as his own one day?

This is the likely outcome whether I'm here or not. I can't really stand the thought of the scenario with my being alive. Idk maybe that is selfish but I don't want my partner or my child ending up with someone else. Seems entirely out of my hands at this point. Partner won't agree to going back to couples therapy, just wants me gone.

 

[woh6]

Doesn't seem like an easy situation to be in. If you ctb then it's likely her mother might 'fuck her up' instead. As others mentioned, a parent's suicide hurts more as the child is older and aware, so I guess you have a couple of 2-3 years left..

 

[betternever2havbeen]

If your partner is telling you things like that you need to get away from them. Sounds like they could be gaslighting you even. I think you owe it to your daughter to stick around-you helped bring her into this world and now you wanna leave yourself?

 

[got1992thumbs]

If your partner is telling you things like that you need to get away from them. Sounds like they could be gaslighting you even. I think you owe it to your daughter to stick around-you helped bring her into this world and now you wanna leave yourself?

One of my partners older kids only sees their dad once or twice a month for a few minutes. That's what I owe her?

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@got1992thumbs It would be better if you could be in your child's life regularly but your partner should not be telling you things like "you are a disappointment" or that her life would be better if you were dead. Those are horrible things to say to anyone, especially if she knows you are struggling. Is she a good mother?

 

[glitterypearls]

my dad did die when I was young and he left me with my fucked up mom. most of what I suffer from now (trauma) is because of my mom. if you people and you think that this woman is fucked up. please please don't CTB and leave your kid in her hand. fucked up parents especially moms can do a lot of damage. I'm talking from experience. if you absolutely have to CTB please make sure you have someone else who would love and take care of your kid, even a grandmother or an aunt or anyone like that who can step-in if its needed. I wish people don't allow themselves to have kids if they feel suicidal or plan to CTB in the future. the kids will suffer the most in this as a result of a parent CTBing and the other parent taking it on the kid. I wish you the best, I hope you make the right decision for you and your kid

 

[got1992thumbs]

@got1992thumbs . Is she a good mother?

This would depend on one's definition of good.

. I wish people don't allow themselves to have kids if they feel suicidal or plan to CTB in the future. the kids will suffer the most in this as a result of a parent

I didn't ever plan on having kids, largely for this situation. She convinced me that she wanted to grow old with me tho and yadda yadda yadda which was why I decided to stick around. You're right though and honestly seeing her or anyone else as a reason for living when everything else is so fucked is kind of a poor choice. Obviously our child adds a whole other element to this.

 

[LostLittleWolf]

I was planning to ctb by exit bag 2 years ago after my dog died. I have vision and hearing impairments which make it really difficult for me to find stable employment. I've been depressed as long as I can remember. I basically hate the majority of people but I think that may just be displaced hated of myself. Anyway not even a month after my dog died I met this woman and it all got fucked up. I've still been suicidal and my partner has not really made things better. I realize now she is a kind of fucked up person. We have a kid together. People keep telling me my daughter needs me but I don't know. I wish my dad had killed himself before he had the chance to fuck me up to much. Would that have been better than the abuse? I will never hurt my daughter in that way but I have been a failure all my life and I feel certain I am going to fail her too. My partner tells me I am a disappointment and her life would be better if I was dead. I am so confused, I thought this person loved me which was why we chose to bring life into this world. I don't know what to do I feel like either way I will only hurt the people I love but at least if I go it will only be one hurt and then they will be rid of me. I know that the older she gets the more impact it would have on her so I feel like I need to do it soon.

Does anyone have experience with a parent ctb or someone you knew who did who had kids? I know it's a stupid fucking question but were they ok?

I felt this hard. I'm a mom to a 14 mo old and i've wanted to ctb before i found out i was pregnant. I decided to just live for her and try my best. i'm about to try and leave with her to raise her on my own soon As much as it hurts to be here i want to try and give her the best chance of having a better life then i did, my 2nd cousins dad ctb'd with him in the room next to him via shotgun and he changed a lot after it happened so i def don't want to put my kid through that. i'll prob ctb after she's grown and moved on with her life so i can make sure it looks like an accident.
I think there's a couple of services that let you write letters for your kids to recieve in the future so that might make it easier to leave her something to get in the future if you do decide to ctb. I wish you peace in whichever choice you make, you def deserve peace after all the shit you've been through.

 

[Little_Suzy]

I can't believe people are telling you to commit suicide when your child is still young, so she won't remember you. That is not how it works. You can never erase your presence from your daughter! Do people not grasp genetics?

One day, your daughter may be me. You are her father, and she has a right to know the man who gave her life.

Nothing will ever take away the reality that your daughter is half of you!

If you kill yourself, she will always carry you, but she will not know who you are because you denied her the opportunity. She will never be able to wipe you from existence because she is your flesh and blood. Even her children will bear a bit of you.

You may still ctb; just don't kill yourself till your daughter remembers you. Give her the most important gift of all: remembering her father, even if just for a short time.

I was a minor when my parent ctb. I felt incredibly serene and happy for them, but only because of what they did before leaving this earth. If you're interested, DM me. If it helps a parent considering ctb, I'll share my experience confidentially.

 

[Lurkernomore64]

When I was around 11 I had a classmate who's dad CTB and I've never seen such a change in a person from outgoing to reclusive.

Your kid is young and have so many firsts ahead of them. It's difficult in the early years as a parent to imagine how central a part of their life you are as their dad , forming their own identity and understanding where they've come from. Your post also seems pretty tuned into identifying others who don't hold positive qualities and being there to guide your kid in the right direction in that regard sounds like something only you've got the experience to do.

Your post is something I can relate to as I'm planning to CTB soon but have a kid in the mix so there's a lot to consider. Whatever lies ahead for you though I hope that pain eases soon.