FailerQt.
Crazy bish
- Mar 17, 2023
- 91
As the title says.
One year ago around this time of the year I had finally collected everything I needed for me to finally CTB. My chosen method was exit bag. But once I had all I needed at my disposal, there was "something" that just kept pushing me away from attempting it for real, so I just kept postponing and postponing until i actually managed to go on. Stopped coming here as well and completely set aside my CTB plans. After two years of pure hell, research and suffering, I was very very slowly overcoming the reason which I wanted to CTB for in the first place. I managed to find an alright jobs, cool friends and generally started feeling much better. When something went wrong, CTB wasn't the first thing on my mind anymore. But.... This all changed as the year 2024 was approaching it's end. I quit the job I had due to personal reasons at the end of October and haven't been able to find a new one up until now. I always end up completely ignored or rejected or both without even a chance for interview. Around the end of November and since then I felt like I want to just end it because of this, but it was still somewhat bearable. The feelings are completely back nowadays, because the original reason is also back... I thought I managed to get over that person, but it was my and mine alone stupidity which made me to meet with him again (after 2 years) before Christmas. At that time I was going through a rejection from someone else and he was there to cheer me up, I really appreciate him. And it really looked and felt like it might even work out between us this time. But no matter what I do or well along we get, I am and never will be good enough for him. At that time my feelings towards him haven't resurfaced. Only after about 2 weeks after that meeting. I never stopped loving him, but before that meeting it didn't hurt anymore, that's why we were able to talk in the first place. But after that, it hurts all the same again.. want to exit again.. the problem is, I don't have my set-up anymore. I thought and hoped I wouldn't need it anymore so I agreed to a certain condition that person gave me in order to be able to meet him and it was to bring the most difficult part to replace to him, which is the regulator. Yeah, normally it isn't that difficult to replace, but remember the part about having massive trouble finding job? I can't afford a new one and most likely will end up on the street from April.
I am really grateful if anybody made it all the way here. And I apologize for such a long rant.
To wrap it up, I feel absolutely helpless and hopeless without any way out, rejected by all the companies and the person I'd give the world to, again.
P.S. - There's much much more to this story and many more details, maybe I'll write it all out one day if I'll still be here. Or if there's anyone really interested, I am open to talk anytime, about any other topic as well.
One year ago around this time of the year I had finally collected everything I needed for me to finally CTB. My chosen method was exit bag. But once I had all I needed at my disposal, there was "something" that just kept pushing me away from attempting it for real, so I just kept postponing and postponing until i actually managed to go on. Stopped coming here as well and completely set aside my CTB plans. After two years of pure hell, research and suffering, I was very very slowly overcoming the reason which I wanted to CTB for in the first place. I managed to find an alright jobs, cool friends and generally started feeling much better. When something went wrong, CTB wasn't the first thing on my mind anymore. But.... This all changed as the year 2024 was approaching it's end. I quit the job I had due to personal reasons at the end of October and haven't been able to find a new one up until now. I always end up completely ignored or rejected or both without even a chance for interview. Around the end of November and since then I felt like I want to just end it because of this, but it was still somewhat bearable. The feelings are completely back nowadays, because the original reason is also back... I thought I managed to get over that person, but it was my and mine alone stupidity which made me to meet with him again (after 2 years) before Christmas. At that time I was going through a rejection from someone else and he was there to cheer me up, I really appreciate him. And it really looked and felt like it might even work out between us this time. But no matter what I do or well along we get, I am and never will be good enough for him. At that time my feelings towards him haven't resurfaced. Only after about 2 weeks after that meeting. I never stopped loving him, but before that meeting it didn't hurt anymore, that's why we were able to talk in the first place. But after that, it hurts all the same again.. want to exit again.. the problem is, I don't have my set-up anymore. I thought and hoped I wouldn't need it anymore so I agreed to a certain condition that person gave me in order to be able to meet him and it was to bring the most difficult part to replace to him, which is the regulator. Yeah, normally it isn't that difficult to replace, but remember the part about having massive trouble finding job? I can't afford a new one and most likely will end up on the street from April.
I am really grateful if anybody made it all the way here. And I apologize for such a long rant.
To wrap it up, I feel absolutely helpless and hopeless without any way out, rejected by all the companies and the person I'd give the world to, again.
P.S. - There's much much more to this story and many more details, maybe I'll write it all out one day if I'll still be here. Or if there's anyone really interested, I am open to talk anytime, about any other topic as well.
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