RANT:
I'm absolutely done with the relentless pain and insomnia.
Done with waking up gasping for air (sleep apnoea).
Done with brain fog and confusion.
Done with exhaustion that never, ever abates.
Done with having a head full of chirping cicadas.
Done with knees that throb and ache constantly, even when lying down doing fuck all, and feel uncomfortable/unstable when used.
Done with feeling alienated- like I'm worthless to so many now that I'm not healthy. When I was functional and generous, I had value. I considered it an honor to contribute.
Done with body dysmorphic disorder ruling my psyche with an iron fist.
Done with reexperiencing traumatic events again and again, the oldest of which was 15 fucking years ago, and I still experience it again and again every day.
Done with feeling robbed of my youth. Abandoned. Discarded. Neglected.
Done with the realisation that I don't have the tools to run my life anymore, despite growing up rather autonomously due to family circumstances.
Done with being at the whim of others- their bullshit, arrogance, opinions, expectations. I want nothing more than to vanish into the wilderness and leave them behind.
Done with having to play nice with certain people as I need their help, when I don't ever want to see their faces again. I'd rather dive into an open grave then have to suffer the insincerity of such transactions. Life without freedom and autonomy is waking Death.
Done with vicious, hateful thoughts of anguish and revenge. Such thoughts are not me. They are not who I aspire to be. I'll rid the world of this demonic imposter yet!
Done with this twisted world of broken dreams, violence and suffering.
Done with feeling as though my right shoulder is full of rocks.
Done with limited mobility- I'm not 80 years old.
Done with the horrifying realisation that all the years I shovelled shit uphill- fighting pain, in the gym despite the fatigue, studying despite the brain fog etc. while my friends were having a good time were for naught- without joy this life is nothing.
Done with missing out on all the shit that made life worthwhile- drums, cars, reading, writing, programming, composing music, gym... All the shit that counterbalances the eternal waves of grief dominating my tortured mind. The artistic release of all the anger and frustration, transforming enough darkness into art that I can breathe.
I mean fuck, it wasn't easy even WITH these things.
Done with feeling as though my jaw, face and arm are being stabbed/burned 24 hours a day, with no painkiller that does jack shit to help.
Nerve pain is fucking horrible- no matter how tired I am, I can't sleep unaided, and the sleep meds produce shitty sleep that leaves me in a groggy haze.
If I do sleep naturally I wake up every 2 hours and can't get back to sleep. I've spent days on end just trying to get some shuteye.
Breathing is laboured and difficult. I'm in a malaise, like having the flu, sans the mucus.
I'm losing it from exhausion: my mind keeps going in little loops with the same thoughts repeating over and over- particularly pieces of music, as well as traumatic experiences, etc. It's getting to the point where I can barely remember where I am, and I keep seeing little flickers of what seem to be shadows moving in the corners of my vision.
I panic as I try to think about something other than these little loops and find that I can't. I can't control my thoughts, therefore I have no control over my life or destiny. Unacceptable.
My mind has me in a vicegrip of a sleeper hold.
When I do sleep I have fucked up nightmares about skulling morphine, loved ones burning and suffering, and all manner of other goodness. Even in sleep there is no relief.
QUESTION:
Went to my suicide spot today (it's a good spot as it is awkward to access and has a "do not climb" sign), even helped myself to the wild blackberries growing abundantly around the area.
Downed half a bottle of whiskey and tried partial, which is not my preferred method, in fact it's one of my least preferred, but the only decent/lethal one at my disposal at the moment.
It was frustrating; as soon as I felt dizzy and started losing consciousness, I'd snap awake- my reflexes simply wouldn't allow for unconsciousness.
I tried again and again for around half an hour before collapsing from exhaustion and simply lying there, drenched from the rain.
Doesn't help that my TMJ (the chief reason for my CTB desire) causes an extremely tight neck, so it was a rather painful experience, but certainly not unbearable.
How on earth do I overcome the reflex to stop the attempt? It's like a physiological response I seem to have little control over.
I've found that if I close the windpipe then I can't even get close- once I start trying to take in air then I reflexively abort the attempt.
But if I place the rope above the windpipe I have much better luck; pressure builds in my head, dizziness sets in, then just before unconsciousness: BAM, auto-abort.
Gah, stupid survival reflexes!
So: to those who have succeeded in losing consciousness- any tips?
Was there a particularly agonising thought that came to mind that you focused on in order to overcome the instinct?
Perhaps a particular position that elicits unconsciousness more rapidly?
Due to the nature of the spot it seems highly unlikely that I'll be interrupted, so all I need to do is to achieve unconsciousness and I'll be long gone.
I picked the spot carefully enough that it also allows for full suspension- all that must be done is that the rope is shortened and I step off from a bank.
I've even brought zip ties to ensure that my hands are secured behind my back and can't be used to try to save myself.
But I just can't seem to make my body do it. Something about relinquishing all control that just doesn't sit well.
I guess life has programmed me to maintain as much control as I can: several events where I have trusted others only to have them attempt to kill me, harm my health, and put me in undesirable situations have taught me that I need to be in control. I guess this goes double for my final Act in life.
If I can't get there through partial then I'll do full, but would rather maintain a modicum of control if I can.
Thanks as always and peace be with you, either here or elsewhere...
I'm absolutely done with the relentless pain and insomnia.
Done with waking up gasping for air (sleep apnoea).
Done with brain fog and confusion.
Done with exhaustion that never, ever abates.
Done with having a head full of chirping cicadas.
Done with knees that throb and ache constantly, even when lying down doing fuck all, and feel uncomfortable/unstable when used.
Done with feeling alienated- like I'm worthless to so many now that I'm not healthy. When I was functional and generous, I had value. I considered it an honor to contribute.
Done with body dysmorphic disorder ruling my psyche with an iron fist.
Done with reexperiencing traumatic events again and again, the oldest of which was 15 fucking years ago, and I still experience it again and again every day.
Done with feeling robbed of my youth. Abandoned. Discarded. Neglected.
Done with the realisation that I don't have the tools to run my life anymore, despite growing up rather autonomously due to family circumstances.
Done with being at the whim of others- their bullshit, arrogance, opinions, expectations. I want nothing more than to vanish into the wilderness and leave them behind.
Done with having to play nice with certain people as I need their help, when I don't ever want to see their faces again. I'd rather dive into an open grave then have to suffer the insincerity of such transactions. Life without freedom and autonomy is waking Death.
Done with vicious, hateful thoughts of anguish and revenge. Such thoughts are not me. They are not who I aspire to be. I'll rid the world of this demonic imposter yet!
Done with this twisted world of broken dreams, violence and suffering.
Done with feeling as though my right shoulder is full of rocks.
Done with limited mobility- I'm not 80 years old.
Done with the horrifying realisation that all the years I shovelled shit uphill- fighting pain, in the gym despite the fatigue, studying despite the brain fog etc. while my friends were having a good time were for naught- without joy this life is nothing.
Done with missing out on all the shit that made life worthwhile- drums, cars, reading, writing, programming, composing music, gym... All the shit that counterbalances the eternal waves of grief dominating my tortured mind. The artistic release of all the anger and frustration, transforming enough darkness into art that I can breathe.
I mean fuck, it wasn't easy even WITH these things.
Done with feeling as though my jaw, face and arm are being stabbed/burned 24 hours a day, with no painkiller that does jack shit to help.
Nerve pain is fucking horrible- no matter how tired I am, I can't sleep unaided, and the sleep meds produce shitty sleep that leaves me in a groggy haze.
If I do sleep naturally I wake up every 2 hours and can't get back to sleep. I've spent days on end just trying to get some shuteye.
Breathing is laboured and difficult. I'm in a malaise, like having the flu, sans the mucus.
I'm losing it from exhausion: my mind keeps going in little loops with the same thoughts repeating over and over- particularly pieces of music, as well as traumatic experiences, etc. It's getting to the point where I can barely remember where I am, and I keep seeing little flickers of what seem to be shadows moving in the corners of my vision.
I panic as I try to think about something other than these little loops and find that I can't. I can't control my thoughts, therefore I have no control over my life or destiny. Unacceptable.
My mind has me in a vicegrip of a sleeper hold.
When I do sleep I have fucked up nightmares about skulling morphine, loved ones burning and suffering, and all manner of other goodness. Even in sleep there is no relief.
QUESTION:
Went to my suicide spot today (it's a good spot as it is awkward to access and has a "do not climb" sign), even helped myself to the wild blackberries growing abundantly around the area.
Downed half a bottle of whiskey and tried partial, which is not my preferred method, in fact it's one of my least preferred, but the only decent/lethal one at my disposal at the moment.
It was frustrating; as soon as I felt dizzy and started losing consciousness, I'd snap awake- my reflexes simply wouldn't allow for unconsciousness.
I tried again and again for around half an hour before collapsing from exhaustion and simply lying there, drenched from the rain.
Doesn't help that my TMJ (the chief reason for my CTB desire) causes an extremely tight neck, so it was a rather painful experience, but certainly not unbearable.
How on earth do I overcome the reflex to stop the attempt? It's like a physiological response I seem to have little control over.
I've found that if I close the windpipe then I can't even get close- once I start trying to take in air then I reflexively abort the attempt.
But if I place the rope above the windpipe I have much better luck; pressure builds in my head, dizziness sets in, then just before unconsciousness: BAM, auto-abort.
Gah, stupid survival reflexes!
So: to those who have succeeded in losing consciousness- any tips?
Was there a particularly agonising thought that came to mind that you focused on in order to overcome the instinct?
Perhaps a particular position that elicits unconsciousness more rapidly?
Due to the nature of the spot it seems highly unlikely that I'll be interrupted, so all I need to do is to achieve unconsciousness and I'll be long gone.
I picked the spot carefully enough that it also allows for full suspension- all that must be done is that the rope is shortened and I step off from a bank.
I've even brought zip ties to ensure that my hands are secured behind my back and can't be used to try to save myself.
But I just can't seem to make my body do it. Something about relinquishing all control that just doesn't sit well.
I guess life has programmed me to maintain as much control as I can: several events where I have trusted others only to have them attempt to kill me, harm my health, and put me in undesirable situations have taught me that I need to be in control. I guess this goes double for my final Act in life.
If I can't get there through partial then I'll do full, but would rather maintain a modicum of control if I can.
Thanks as always and peace be with you, either here or elsewhere...
