Discussion Those who have a ctb date set, how are you feeling?

[VoidDesirer22]

I'm going in April and am very set on it.
The reason is because I already agreed to a job and figured I may as well not be an asshole for that.
Also I have too much anxiety to say I can't do the job. How's that for a comedy. Courageous enough to ctb, but not to risk someone disliking me behind my back.

Knowing I'm about to die soon has me feeling quite surreal. It is like I am in some dream world with random characters. I feel no relation to anything. I have no sense of identity other than "human who will be dead soon" and am just doing tasks for the sake of going through the motions.
Every conversation I have is a "person talking to someone who will be dead soon, and I wonder how they'll react?" -- but don't mistake these thoughts as anything other than distant contemplations. I do not feel any emotion at all when these thoughts are in my head.


I honestly have never dissociated so much in my life.
What is it like for you?

 

[Insomniac]

I'm going in April and am very set on it.
The reason is because I already agreed to a job and figured I may as well not be an asshole for that.
Also I have too much anxiety to say I can't do the job. How's that for a comedy. Courageous enough to ctb, but not to risk someone disliking me behind my back.

Knowing I'm about to die soon has me feeling quite surreal. It is like I am in some dream world with random characters. I feel no relation to anything. I have no sense of identity other than "human who will be dead soon" and am just doing tasks for the sake of going through the motions.
Every conversation I have is a "person talking to someone who will be dead soon, and I wonder how they'll react?" -- but don't mistake these thoughts as anything other than distant contemplations. I do not feel any emotion at all when these thoughts are in my head.


I honestly have never dissociated so much in my life.
What is it like for you?

I just don't understand how one can have a date set in the future. what kind of state are you supposed to be in before doing it? do you simply go on and brush your teeth and do your bed and do your dishes? just as usual? I don't get it.

Me I feel like I'll do it at any moment. Idk exactly when but I feel like at some point I'll just do it. I can't set a date because that takes too much resolve and discipline and if I had these things I wouldn't be suicidal in the first place.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

I just don't understand how one can have a date set in the future. what kind of state are you supposed to be in before doing it? do you simply go on and brush your teeth and do your bed and do your dishes? just as usual? I don't get it.

Me I feel like I'll do it at any moment. Idk exactly when but I feel like at some point I'll just do it. I can't set a date because that takes too much resolve and discipline and if I had these things I wouldn't be suicidal in the first place.

Well, yes, I do not draw suspicion to myself. I also still am waiting for testing reasons. I have never attempted, and my one attempt will be a success. I cannot afford to fail and wallow in my misery as a shell of myself.

You haven't heard of the depressed person that "no one knew about *gasp* "?

 

[fastlife]

I'm going in April and am very set on it.
The reason is because I already agreed to a job and figured I may as well not be an asshole for that.
Also I have too much anxiety to say I can't do the job. How's that for a comedy. Courageous enough to ctb, but not to risk someone disliking me behind my back.

Knowing I'm about to die soon has me feeling quite surreal. It is like I am in some dream world with random characters. I feel no relation to anything. I have no sense of identity other than "human who will be dead soon" and am just doing tasks for the sake of going through the motions.
Every conversation I have is a "person talking to someone who will be dead soon, and I wonder how they'll react?" -- but don't mistake these thoughts as anything other than distant contemplations. I do not feel any emotion at all when these thoughts are in my head.


I honestly have never dissociated so much in my life.
What is it like for you?

I feel more free also I am leaving now Friday night with sn

 

[VoidDesirer22]

I just don't understand how one can have a date set in the future. what kind of state are you supposed to be in before doing it? do you simply go on and brush your teeth and do your bed and do your dishes? just as usual? I don't get it.

Me I feel like I'll do it at any moment. Idk exactly when but I feel like at some point I'll just do it. I can't set a date because that takes too much resolve and discipline and if I had these things I wouldn't be suicidal in the first place.

Also... I've lived my entire life. Why is it unfathomable to continue for a few more weeks to ensure all the research is in place, and loose ends are tied up?

Not setting a date is a failure waiting to happen imo. It means you cannot control for the environment of the day as it hadn't been preplanned with a look into the future and leading up to it.
Just randomly deciding to initiate my method one day hoping I feel completely disgusting and cannot function, is silly.

Enacting a ctb takes some strength. And yes, I may be totally fed up with existing, but I still have strength to do dishes and clean my teeth. Going through the motions and letting myself process and accept.

I refuse to get caught in a failure cycle where everyone I'm my life looks down on me.

I feel more free also I am leaving now Friday night with sn

Like you are detached from the chains of everything?

 

[jimmy7754]

I want it so bad.. just how do I get there? I will acquire my method soon and have the energy to plan it out. I can't fail and have to overcome SI. My method will be N and I have written out all the details for my regimen. I didn't want my life to come to this but here I am… it's hard to let go because I was a good kid but my life as an adult has been a real shit show.. I wish I could go back to when I felt comfortable in my own skin and could watch one of my favorite movies from my childhood.. but my life has been relentlessly tiring and unforgivable..

 

[Gsvko]

I've been like that since the moment I realised I'll ctb, I didn't have a date, but knew it deep within me and I thought it should be as soon as possible.
Except I don't think like that with other people, I'm convinced that nobody gives a crap and won't be bothered in the slightest. I think it's because I've stopped caring about people myself. Apart from few maybe, when they show strong concern.
I have a date now, feeling the same. Will do my best with the attempt, first one as well, but I'm not afraid of failure either, I feel like I can always try another day if someone or something stops me. I feel unstoppable kind of.

I just don't understand how one can have a date set in the future.

For me, it's the day I pay rent ha, pay and leave.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

I've been like that since the moment I realised I'll ctb, I didn't have a date, but knew it deep within me and I thought it should be as soon as possible.
Except I don't think like that with other people, I'm convinced that nobody gives a crap and won't be bothered in the slightest. I think it's because I've stopped caring about people myself. Apart from few maybe, when they show strong concern.
I have a date now, feeling the same. Will do my best with the attempt, first one as well, but I'm not afraid of failure either, I feel like I can always try another day if someone or something stops me. I feel unstoppable kind of.

For me, it's the day I pay rent ha, pay and leave.

Interesting. I do also have backups in mind just in case.

It really will have to be SN though if I fail, which I'm no thrilled about and will avoid at all costs.

 

[Al_stargate]

Don't have a specific date but most likely in April as well, after I acquire my method and sort everything out. It does feel totally surreal considering that a couple of months ago I was a happy guy, my life was at its peak but the devil comes when you're at your peak, like Will Smith says. It does cross my mind that soon I'll just be a memory to the people I interact with but don't ponder on it, I just want this shit to end already.

 

[silent staring void]

I have a date set too but only for practical reasons. Ideally I would always be ready for it so I can do it whenever. But yeah I relate to the dissociation a lot, the days just pass like a dream I and feel unable to do basic life tasks or feel any way about anything at all since it's all going to end soon. I used to go through some kind of suicide euphoria where I lost all of my wants and needs and I only felt driven to end my life by some great force outside of myself, but it went away after a few days. I hope in returns in the last days.

 

[Gsvko]

Don't say that, I'm doing SN
Jk, whatever you have I hope is peaceful and reliable. My alternative's hanging, seems to only turn me on instead the other way so far, but I'll practice more soon

 

[Nirrend]

Hi there,

To answer the title, I am in a hurry and honestly I am afraid. Not to die, but fear of being gripped by the moment I lose consciousness, fear of panicking and screwing up like on my first attempt to CTB (i called for help, it sucks, i grant you).

And like VoidDesirer22 planned it in April, i planned it in July-August, i'm hesitating for the month.

Since it has already been told, in fact, having a reference point and having a date that makes it possible to concretely locate where the deliverance will be located, it is like a psychological shock. To the extent that, when on a daily basis I was content to endure my existence, I felt dejected, annihilated, helpless and as if falling into a precipice. It allows me to move from a universe where time no longer exists and suffering is constant, to a universe that I control.

Locating and dating something that will (I hope) free me from my suffering; make me jovial, and I look at things in the most positive way possible. "Enjoy as much as possible with friends and loved ones, thrive in the few things I still love, please myself and above all, make people happy". Finally, CTB would filled me with a huge happiness knowing that I had time to repeat the joy around me.

Wishes of peace for all

 

[FuneralCry]

I feel like for me, I could never stick to a specific date, as if I did that the SI would probably get in the way. I believe that if I could exit this world peacefully, it would be a feeling that I know it would be the right time to leave, rather than a specific time. I do wish that I could leave soon, but I do feel so trapped in this world. It is not easy to end all the pain even know it is all I want, more than anything. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

like Will Smith says.

Haha has he already made history?

Don't say that, I'm doing SN
Jk, whatever you have I hope is peaceful and reliable. My alternative's hanging, seems to only turn me on instead the other way so far, but I'll practice more soon

Don't get me wrong, SN is still in the league of its own imo compared to basically every other method. But N... is better for sure.

 

[Chico56]

I planned it for my 30th birthday but I do not know if I can hold it for two years.

 

[fullofregrets]

The closer I get, more paranoid I become of failing. I guess it's my SI. Imagining all sorts of situation where it goes wrong. I envy people who can live through it or who muster up the courage and do it. The in between state of mine causes extreme bouts of anxiety and idk how to deal with it.

 

[fastlife]

Also... I've lived my entire life. Why is it unfathomable to continue for a few more weeks to ensure all the research is in place, and loose ends are tied up?

Not setting a date is a failure waiting to happen imo. It means you cannot control for the environment of the day as it hadn't been preplanned with a look into the future and leading up to it.
Just randomly deciding to initiate my method one day hoping I feel completely disgusting and cannot function, is silly.

Enacting a ctb takes some strength. And yes, I may be totally fed up with existing, but I still have strength to do dishes and clean my teeth. Going through the motions and letting myself process and accept.

I refuse to get caught in a failure cycle where everyone I'm my life looks down on me.

Like you are detached from the chains of everything?

what do you mean?

 

[BigGimpin]

I never had a date set, was laying here last night thinking about it and remembered that April 5th is coming up. Two of my favorite musicians both died on that date. Kurt Cobain and Layne Staley.. I also lost the coolest cat I have ever had on that date two years ago.

So, we will see...I just purchased N from D this morning.

 

[roaming_soul]

I'm going in April and am very set on it.
The reason is because I already agreed to a job and figured I may as well not be an asshole for that.
Also I have too much anxiety to say I can't do the job. How's that for a comedy. Courageous enough to ctb, but not to risk someone disliking me behind my back.

Knowing I'm about to die soon has me feeling quite surreal. It is like I am in some dream world with random characters. I feel no relation to anything. I have no sense of identity other than "human who will be dead soon" and am just doing tasks for the sake of going through the motions.
Every conversation I have is a "person talking to someone who will be dead soon, and I wonder how they'll react?" -- but don't mistake these thoughts as anything other than distant contemplations. I do not feel any emotion at all when these thoughts are in my head.


I honestly have never dissociated so much in my life.
What is it like for you?

I'm set on the next week or two depending when all my supplies arrive.


Like you @VoidDesirer22 it feels surreal - like there is little much that I can do about anything else that is beyond my control liking ctb'ing. Sort of like I'm observing everything from a neautral point of view (I've noticed today that things that would usually urk me just wash over me).

I'm going about my daily business as usual. Not that I'm trying to stave attention but because I have made the promise to myself that I will go out strong. I've been working so hard on myself the last couple of years and have adopted some really healthy habits for myself in the past couple of months - why stop now. I seek to end each day being proud of myself. I still wake up early, exercise and continue building my business - not that all of this will matter in 2 weeks but because it matters how I see myself right until the end. I will not go out feeling like a failure - I am not. I will ctb feeling proud of the person that I was right up until the end.

That doesn't mean I'm not going through a grieving process. I cried so much yesterday thinking about my loved ones that I would leave behind. And I'm sure there'll be more tears in the coming days about various things. Its not easy planning to ctb and getting your affairs in order to lessen the burden for those who will be left behind. I don't owe anything and I feel free knowing this. I've always been the strong one for others so part of this process leading up to my date is a total acceptance of this.

My main concern is failure. I've failed before on my last attempt 7 years ago. Luckily I found SS which has been so supportive and informative in my right to choose that I believe that I won't fail this time. Right now I'm thinking of what notes/videos to leave for my family and will use the next couple of days to prepare these for them.

In short, you could say that I'm content with my decision and patiently awaiting my time to finally go home.

 

[fizi22]

idk how i feel

 

[VoidDesirer22]

I'm set on the next week or two depending when all my supplies arrive.


Like you @VoidDesirer22 it feels surreal - like there is little much that I can do about anything else that is beyond my control liking ctb'ing. Sort of like I'm observing everything from a neautral point of view (I've noticed today that things that would usually urk me just wash over me).

I'm going about my daily business as usual. Not that I'm trying to stave attention but because I have made the promise to myself that I will go out strong. I've been working so hard on myself the last couple of years and have adopted some really healthy habits for myself in the past couple of months - why stop now. I seek to end each day being proud of myself. I still wake up early, exercise and continue building my business - not that all of this will matter in 2 weeks but because it matters how I see myself right until the end. I will not go out feeling like a failure - I am not. I will ctb feeling proud of the person that I was right up until the end.

That doesn't mean I'm not going through a grieving process. I cried so much yesterday thinking about my loved ones that I would leave behind. And I'm sure there'll be more tears in the coming days about various things. Its not easy planning to ctb and getting your affairs in order to lessen the burden for those who will be left behind. I don't owe anything and I feel free knowing this. I've always been the strong one for others so part of this process leading up to my date is a total acceptance of this.

My main concern is failure. I've failed before on my last attempt 7 years ago. Luckily I found SS which has been so supportive and informative in my right to choose that I believe that I won't fail this time. Right now I'm thinking of what notes/videos to leave for my family and will use the next couple of days to prepare these for them.

In short, you could say that I'm content with my decision and patiently awaiting my time to finally go home.

Yes we must be in very similar mindsets. I love what you wrote here. I am not going out considering myself a failure. If ctb = failure then I reject the criterion. We do not need to live to 100 to have made good progress and be content with our time on Earth.

The closer I get, more paranoid I become of failing. I guess it's my SI. Imagining all sorts of situation where it goes wrong. I envy people who can live through it or who muster up the courage and do it. The in between state of mine causes extreme bouts of anxiety and idk how to deal with it.

I believe the closer I get the more I will be tested mentally. But for me there really is no going back. I want this. I know it is my time to be at rest.

what do you mean?

Which part of the post?

 

[symphony]

I can only imagine it would be surreal. I don't have a set date yet but I do have a general timeframe in mind. First I need to determine what my living situation will look like in the near future, as that will impact planning. Sucks having to wait.

 

[EndofEternity]

The main thing I feel is relief. There's some anxiety, but mostly I'm relieved knowing it'll finally be over soon.

 

[LostAllHope88]

My plan is with SN this Friday, and I'm definitely feeling dissociation from everything. It feels like I'm already outside my body watching myself do things. Going through the motions. There's a bit of anxiety, but also a calmness. I've spent so long wrestling with all the emotions tied to the act and I've finally arrived at acceptance.

I don't have the luxury of failing so this is it. As others have mentioned most of the anxiety stems from not getting it right the first time. Way too much debt already, no insurance, and no one to fall back on if it were to fail. I'm dead either way, so I may as well make every effort to succeed with the more comfortable option.

 

[DeprivedofLife666]

I can't wait for mine to come quick enough. Had I known then what I know now, I could have already been dead and gone. I'm gonna be the first to swallow a whole bag of 40mg Celexa that I am currently saving in a plastic sandwich bag. I used to just flush them down the toilet because I was in denial that I had depression. I wish I hadn't. Now I'm trying to fill that bag up as fast as possible without my grandparents knowing. My other plan is to stock up my baggy with 500mg of Acetaminophen if option 1 starts to take too long.

Edit: I was born just to be a slave to my still able-bodied independent grandparents. They somehow knew that I would be the black sheep. The thought of them seeing my dead carcass one day and not being able to claim ssi off of me anymore is so satisfying that I think I just truly smiled for the very first time.

 

[lili]

I've for the past 10 years tried to CTB in an impulsive manner through pills. The most well thought of method was the exit bag method which I was influenced by the Final Exit book. But when I bought the helium tank it didn't work. It was the stupid Balloon Party one that has more oxygen than helium.

So since I've found this website I've finally found the right method to do it supposedly effective with no more pain and shame of it failing and ruining friendships once again. And with the support of people here, I've been able to patiently wait for a better method than pills or falling off a building.

I've chosen the week of April 12, waiting to see if a job interview works out that week. If it doesn't will most definitely do it. I'm tired of life and it's trials. I think I might try it out even if I get it.

I really liked your initial message. Ever since I've known things will end, I've felt a sense of peace in which I don't care about what others think anymore. Every time I have a difficult problem, I always think to myself well what does it matter things will end on that week in April. I've felt such internal peace recently in knowing I don't have to suffer anymore if I don't want to. And lack of care for social perception towards me.

 

[ThePaleWhiteLight]

I want to go out on April 15, Good Friday. I have my SN and a gun at hand; I'm going to use the SN, and have the gun as backup.

Now, I really don't want to go out alone, and I for want to do it where I live, but I cannot travel. I think @sealbabies is thinking about partnering up with me, but if that falls through and anyone is going out in April and wants a hand, let me know. I do have that pistol. I just cannot go anywhere under my own power - you can either pick me up or get me a bus ticket.

 

[PardonMyDust]

Funny, I don't have a date, but knowing that I'm working towards ctb, I notice how much I've been living just out of habit. I keep doing some of those things because…well, I don't have anything better to do at the moment. But I feel I'm just drifting in a dream, walking through it all: sad, detached, observing. A cardiologist today (I actually went to the appointment for some reason) told me he thought I was sad, but he wasn't worried about me "taking it to far" so I guess I'm hiding it well.

I hope I can find a way to get to ctb soon, though. I hate the world, I hate the way I am in the world, and I'm exhausted.

 

[bloodfallsfirst]

When my SN comes in, I plan on taking it the Friday evening immediately following. The SN is scheduled to arrive next week. I'm also going about my work as normal, and yes, it's a bit trippy. I don't trust myself to be actually on the way out until I'm finally falling asleep from the SN. Can't get my hopes up too early. I suppose I could always try to nerve myself to access the parking garage and jump, but damn the SI.

 

[ThePaleWhiteLight]

I have a definite place and a tentative time and partner. I am happy.