This is the only thing stopping me. She is wonderful, so loving, so kind and gentle. Truly innocent. Last Christmas I asked her to marry me and she said yes. That was before all the stuff started happening that has made me consider checking out. None of it was her fault yet if I go she will suffer. We accepted each other, full and wholly and I will take that away from her. Yet, if things carry on she may leave anyway. She has a right to a happy life and if I can't provide that then she is better off without me. We love each other deeply but the fear of the future stops me from living today. She's the only thing that I want to live for. She doesn't deserve this. My parents will understand. My father's brother CTB about the same age as me. My mother knows that I am not strong enough to face the troubles that await. But her, my love, the one who gave her heart to me and trusted me with it, will be the one who suffers and I don't know if she'll ever heal. Perhaps for her sake I have to just wait. I don't know. This is the hardest time of my life. If only there were a way that meant they could all move on after me.
1st) I have had a friend whose brother was married and ctb. 2nd) It was so sad becasue he did not reach out to try and find help, BUT..BUT he NEVER told his wife ANYTHING about mental health at all. She was completely crushed and she had to go to therapy afterwards. She, and this was years ago, has never gotten over it.Please for the sake of your beautiful fiance, please share with her and let her help you. You might find that she might be the beacon of light that you so need and search for. Most wedding vows have something like: "in good and bad health we will watch over each other". I am 64 years young and I only say this becasue age does NOT make one smarter BUT one DOES have life experience. I truly wish you and your beautiful fiance all the most wonderous sunrises and sunsets that this world has to offer. I care for you alot as a global family member and wish you love and peace!
whatever101
Member
- Sep 1, 2020
- 46
If the love of your life accepts you and decides to stay by your side no matter what then you should wait. Don't break her heart because you know how this feels right. And I think you wouldn't want her to also to go through this once you CTB. Maybe it's not the right time to do this.
SadJessu
Just tired.
- Aug 17, 2020
- 168
In a similar situation. There are two people who love me, who I also love very deeply. I know that if I CTB one wit be devastated and the other will probably be furious. It feels selfish to put them through that. I'm honestly glad you have someone who loves you, hopefully she'll help you through just a little longer. You both deserve peace and happiness.
To whywere, @whatever101 and SadJessu, thank you so much for all your kind words that bring tears to my eyes. She is so special but I can't help thinking I don't deserve her and she would, in the long-term, be better off without me.
The next few months will reveal where things will go. There's definitely the possibility I will have to CTB but I'm praying that I'll be able to get through all of this and we'll emerge together.
Thank you for all your love!
The next few months will reveal where things will go. There's definitely the possibility I will have to CTB but I'm praying that I'll be able to get through all of this and we'll emerge together.
Thank you for all your love!
Xander_McG
Member
- Sep 12, 2020
- 42
Op I feel your pain. Ive been having bad thoughts for the past couple of months and just havent been coping at all with them. My wife knows this but after having anespecially bad day last week, she told me that she feels as if she is no longer in love with me. I have moved out andnwenhave spoke since then and she says she doesnt think theres a way back for us. I am possibly going to be doing the CO method tomorrow after I buy the supplies but I am scared of leaving her. I know she has struggled with me the past few years and has poured her heart and soul into living with my problems but I just love her that much that my heart breaks when I think about leaving her to deal with the pick up of my ultimate decision. All i can suggest is that you wait a couple of weeks and if possible use that time to try and pick up the courage to ultimately tell her how youre feeling and try and to get her to help you. Dont be as stubborn as I am by not opening up to the person you love, tell her and hopefully you can sort something out
Does she know you have these thoughts? You don't have to pretend to be strong. She clearly loves you and I think she would appreciate you being honest. I think you deserve to actually enjoy your future instead of fearing it and she deserves the opportunity to try to help you overcome this. You aren't alone. You by yourself don't have to be strong enough to face this. When she agreed to marry you she was saying she wants to be there to face whatever is scaring you. Please give that a try
GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
What is it that you're afraid you won't be able to handle?
Also, please be cautious of this idea that you're not good enough for her. That's for her to decide, not you. That idea causes so many problems in relationships. If she's so wonderful, then trust that she is capable of deciding for herself who is and isn't good enough for her. Otherwise, you're putting her on a pedestal above you when she's an imperfect human, too, and you keep her separate from you and untouchable, and that will end very badly, either in hating her or yourself or both. If you were my friend sitting next to me, I'd say with love, a little humor, and firmness, "Stop that shit." And I'd keep reminding you whenever it cropped back up.
Also, please be cautious of this idea that you're not good enough for her. That's for her to decide, not you. That idea causes so many problems in relationships. If she's so wonderful, then trust that she is capable of deciding for herself who is and isn't good enough for her. Otherwise, you're putting her on a pedestal above you when she's an imperfect human, too, and you keep her separate from you and untouchable, and that will end very badly, either in hating her or yourself or both. If you were my friend sitting next to me, I'd say with love, a little humor, and firmness, "Stop that shit." And I'd keep reminding you whenever it cropped back up.
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