en-bat-y
Member
- Nov 4, 2023
- 22
idk what to label this so i think i'll start by typing and seeing where i go.
i was born extremely sensitive to common products, it made my life hell from the start and got worse in time. Plus having multiple other disabilities. Being in a poor and abusive family also meant i didn't get access to specialists. For 30 years i've been sick and isolated. All the trauma from it and people's treatment of me has led to my having severe anxiety issues. i left my mom's home, she died soon after. i was placed in adult foster care. I loved them but they had alot of their own stress and were quick to blame me for things or to pre-emptively expect me to cause problems. I couldn't figure out how to get my needs met and help them understand me, i shoulda tried harder i think. maybe if i'd started hormones sooner or something, idk. We also still clashed over my health issues and i still struggled to get access to the medical care i need. Ultimately i was placed into another, much worse, foster. it was only supposed to be temporary while we got an apartment sorted but it's dragged on and i've been suffering in these conditions. In-patient was even worse. My doctor worries if i can't get out and finally get care i'll be institutionalized and my attempts to get help have led to my being threatened with this if i try for medical care again. Many other disabled people i know are also suffering medical neglect and new laws are going into process to institutionalize more of us. i'm extremely malnourished and so tired. i feel so nauseated and miserable i can't stand it. i had been tested for MCAS but it came out negative, there's suspicion it may have been botched so i'm trying an otc treatment method. at least i haven't thrown up yet today (still early here) though i feel so empty and tired, still so sick and stressed. another dr thought maybe MS as it matches perfectly except for how young i was when i started showing symptoms. Idk. Of course, there's also the terror that the more i'm exposed to these things the more permanent damage i'll have. it's horrifying to think of how my body and mind are being eaten alive by this situation. i'm in so much pain.
i feel like even if the otc idea works i'm just so tired of this. people are trying and i'm thankful for them but it's gone so long with so much going wrong i feel liek there's nothing they can do. every tiny thing sends me panicking now. i'm a raw nerve of misery at this point. Even the clicking of my keyboard makes me want to burst into tears.
I tried finding the arteries in my neck and i thought i almost got it but i didn't quite passout and i haven't gotten that close again since. i've always had a hard time finding my pulse, i'd find it and then it'd disappear, maybe because of my POTS? someone explained it once but i can't remember. i don't have much strength in my hands. i'm wondering about the night-night method, wondering too if sleeping pills could make it or asphyxiation with a bag more effective/peaceful. i don't have tape so that's a concern, wouldn't want things coming loose. I don't have access to much being poor and stuck in my room. I'm so unbearably tired and stressed. I've been screaming for help for so long and the world just keeps playing with me like a cat plays with its food. i don't wanna play anymore, i just want peace.
i was born extremely sensitive to common products, it made my life hell from the start and got worse in time. Plus having multiple other disabilities. Being in a poor and abusive family also meant i didn't get access to specialists. For 30 years i've been sick and isolated. All the trauma from it and people's treatment of me has led to my having severe anxiety issues. i left my mom's home, she died soon after. i was placed in adult foster care. I loved them but they had alot of their own stress and were quick to blame me for things or to pre-emptively expect me to cause problems. I couldn't figure out how to get my needs met and help them understand me, i shoulda tried harder i think. maybe if i'd started hormones sooner or something, idk. We also still clashed over my health issues and i still struggled to get access to the medical care i need. Ultimately i was placed into another, much worse, foster. it was only supposed to be temporary while we got an apartment sorted but it's dragged on and i've been suffering in these conditions. In-patient was even worse. My doctor worries if i can't get out and finally get care i'll be institutionalized and my attempts to get help have led to my being threatened with this if i try for medical care again. Many other disabled people i know are also suffering medical neglect and new laws are going into process to institutionalize more of us. i'm extremely malnourished and so tired. i feel so nauseated and miserable i can't stand it. i had been tested for MCAS but it came out negative, there's suspicion it may have been botched so i'm trying an otc treatment method. at least i haven't thrown up yet today (still early here) though i feel so empty and tired, still so sick and stressed. another dr thought maybe MS as it matches perfectly except for how young i was when i started showing symptoms. Idk. Of course, there's also the terror that the more i'm exposed to these things the more permanent damage i'll have. it's horrifying to think of how my body and mind are being eaten alive by this situation. i'm in so much pain.
i feel like even if the otc idea works i'm just so tired of this. people are trying and i'm thankful for them but it's gone so long with so much going wrong i feel liek there's nothing they can do. every tiny thing sends me panicking now. i'm a raw nerve of misery at this point. Even the clicking of my keyboard makes me want to burst into tears.
I tried finding the arteries in my neck and i thought i almost got it but i didn't quite passout and i haven't gotten that close again since. i've always had a hard time finding my pulse, i'd find it and then it'd disappear, maybe because of my POTS? someone explained it once but i can't remember. i don't have much strength in my hands. i'm wondering about the night-night method, wondering too if sleeping pills could make it or asphyxiation with a bag more effective/peaceful. i don't have tape so that's a concern, wouldn't want things coming loose. I don't have access to much being poor and stuck in my room. I'm so unbearably tired and stressed. I've been screaming for help for so long and the world just keeps playing with me like a cat plays with its food. i don't wanna play anymore, i just want peace.