This will sound wussy...but such a big part of me is just heartbroken

[JoeFailure]

On top of all of my other shit...I think this has been a big psychological one. I forgot who said it in a thread a few days ago, but the quote was "once the blinders are off, you can never go back".

And they couldn't have been more right. Even if somehow a financial/career miracle happened and I didn't have to do this, I probably wouldn't ever be the same. I'd definitely want to live, but I think I would always be a little different.

I grew up believing that life would just end up working out. Not just for me, for everyone. Even with the suffering I'd hear about, I thought something good would eventually happen to those people.

The kids with autism that I worked with or when I saw mentally ill people, I really believed God would take it all away after this. Now I just don't know.

I know some people here hate the "pro-lifers", and even though I never thought people who CTB were selfish, I was always sad for them because I thought things would have gotten better, not just the possibility of it. Coming to this site has been therapeutic in some ways, but it's also removed the dumb ignorance for me. I don't know if that's good or bad.

I keep hoping that God just can't control things here. It can just be so cruel and unforgiving. When I used to read about hell and reincarnation into insects and animals, I just didn't believe it because I didn't think a higher power could be like that. Even like these Buddhist teachings about more intense suffering if you CTB or suicide for the next 100 lives or 100 lives as animals...it all just seems so mean. We're human. We fuck up, sometimes to an insurmountable extent. Fucked up things happen to us.

I'm still trying to have faith in the good, but I am terrified about what's next, given how unforgiving this world is. And it's totally heartbreaking. I truly just didn't know.

 

[bluesky1972-2019]

My thoughts on religion now are that they are all made up by human beings on earth in order to control the population. The religious books were written by so called "wise" men and handed down, added to and preached to us lesser mortals! The fact that there are so many different religions and beliefs says it all. They can't all be right!
The universe has been around for millions of years and probably will be for millions more. Long before man arrived on the scene and started making stuff up in order to try and make sense of it and control others!

 

[Jolene40]

My thoughts on religion now are that they are all made up by human beings on earth in order to control the population. The religious books were written by so called "wise" men and handed down, added to and preached to us lesser mortals! The fact that there are so many different religions and beliefs says it all. They can't all be right!
The universe has been around for millions of years and probably will be for millions more. Long before man arrived on the scene and started making stuff up in order to try and make sense of it and control others!

Couldn't agree more

 

[Soul]

Joe, I love that you believe things would somehow come 'round right. We're mostly pessimists here, but we don't know that things don't work out in a compassionate way when all is said and done. I think there's a lot of reason to expect that at the very worst there's balance.

Please don't worry about those Buddhist ideas of hell - they were invented to make an impression on people who needed fear to motivate them. They aren't part of your background so there's no reason you'd experience them. Buddhism puts huge emphasis on compassion - please focus on that instead.

You express so much gentleness and compassion - even if you've made mistakes or chose a wrong path at one time, you still feel all that goodness and you want to make things righter. That means a lot. (((Hugs)))

 

[JoeFailure]

Joe, I love that you believe things would somehow come 'round right. We're mostly pessimists here, but we don't know that things don't work out in a compassionate way when all is said and done. I think there's a lot of reason to expect that at the very worst there's balance.

Please don't worry about those Buddhist ideas of hell - they were invented to make an impression on people who needed fear to motivate them. They aren't part of your background so there's no reason you'd experience them. Buddhism puts huge emphasis on compassion - please focus on that instead.

You express so much gentleness and compassion - even if you've made mistakes or chose a wrong path at one time, you still feel all that goodness and you want to make things righter. That means a lot. (((Hugs)))

Thank you for saying that, but I don't know if I'll be able to hang on much longer. I wish I could make it right but I'm so far gone and in such a hole.

I just want all the anxiety and rumination to stop. I wish it would. I feel like I might already be in hell, and maybe I deserve it for screwing it up so badly. I understand real hell coukd be even worse but I can't stay here and have my parents deal with this if I do have a complete breakdown with very little money.

I just hope whoever's up there can forgive me.

 

[Soul]

Joe honey, do you ever talk about what it is you feel so guilty over? You don't have to tell us here, if you don't want to, but do you talk with *anyone* about it - your therapist, a friend, a hotline?

 

[GeorgeJL]

On top of all of my other shit...I think this has been a big psychological one. I forgot who said it in a thread a few days ago, but the quote was "once the blinders are off, you can never go back".

And they couldn't have been more right. Even if somehow a financial/career miracle happened and I didn't have to do this, I probably wouldn't ever be the same. I'd definitely want to live, but I think I would always be a little different.

I grew up believing that life would just end up working out. Not just for me, for everyone. Even with the suffering I'd hear about, I thought something good would eventually happen to those people.

The kids with autism that I worked with or when I saw mentally ill people, I really believed God would take it all away after this. Now I just don't know.

I know some people here hate the "pro-lifers", and even though I never thought people who CTB were selfish, I was always sad for them because I thought things would have gotten better, not just the possibility of it. Coming to this site has been therapeutic in some ways, but it's also removed the dumb ignorance for me. I don't know if that's good or bad.

I keep hoping that God just can't control things here. It can just be so cruel and unforgiving. When I used to read about hell and reincarnation into insects and animals, I just didn't believe it because I didn't think a higher power could be like that. Even like these Buddhist teachings about more intense suffering if you CTB or suicide for the next 100 lives or 100 lives as animals...it all just seems so mean. We're human. We fuck up, sometimes to an insurmountable extent. Fucked up things happen to us.

I'm still trying to have faith in the good, but I am terrified about what's next, given how unforgiving this world is. And it's totally heartbreaking. I truly just didn't know.

The only way we can survive and make meaning out of life is connecting with others, friends, family, and the truth.

 

[Dead beat dad]

On top of all of my other shit...I think this has been a big psychological one. I forgot who said it in a thread a few days ago, but the quote was "once the blinders are off, you can never go back".

And they couldn't have been more right. Even if somehow a financial/career miracle happened and I didn't have to do this, I probably wouldn't ever be the same. I'd definitely want to live, but I think I would always be a little different.

I grew up believing that life would just end up working out. Not just for me, for everyone. Even with the suffering I'd hear about, I thought something good would eventually happen to those people.

The kids with autism that I worked with or when I saw mentally ill people, I really believed God would take it all away after this. Now I just don't know.

I know some people here hate the "pro-lifers", and even though I never thought people who CTB were selfish, I was always sad for them because I thought things would have gotten better, not just the possibility of it. Coming to this site has been therapeutic in some ways, but it's also removed the dumb ignorance for me. I don't know if that's good or bad.

I keep hoping that God just can't control things here. It can just be so cruel and unforgiving. When I used to read about hell and reincarnation into insects and animals, I just didn't believe it because I didn't think a higher power could be like that. Even like these Buddhist teachings about more intense suffering if you CTB or suicide for the next 100 lives or 100 lives as animals...it all just seems so mean. We're human. We fuck up, sometimes to an insurmountable extent. Fucked up things happen to us.

I'm still trying to have faith in the good, but I am terrified about what's next, given how unforgiving this world is. And it's totally heartbreaking. I truly just didn't know.

Brother I feel you. We live in a world of abundance. Sadly that abundance is fear, pain and inhumanity.
I weep with you for the state of the world and I 'pray' that 'we' can all learn to be a little kinder, to ourselves, each other and the planet.
Sadly when you see the cruelty that is everywhere I reflect on the statement made by a concentration camp survivor:
"God will have to beg for our forgiveness"
There is good out there brother.
Despite the end some of us are destined to meet I believe in being the kinder better person right to the bitter end.
I forgive, but I cannot forget, that is the lamentable misery of things for me.
I wish you peace and kindness on your journey brother and sincerely hope that light shines upon you.
DBD