This Will (Hopefully) Be My Last Few Hours

[xXSarac3nSlay3rXx]

I have everything ready (nitrogen) and am planning to attempt sometime around 4 am. Hopefully this works! I'll make an update when I am ready to do the deed.

 

[Smashingairwaves]

Good luck

 

[Asta]

Best wishes to you for your success!

 

[vonvonwantpeace]

Good luck.

 

[Centerism]

Good luck bro. You will be missed. I wish you a safe and painless journey.

I Love you. And I support you.

See you on the other side.

 

[xXSarac3nSlay3rXx]

My initial projection might have been a bit hasty. I stupidly saved all my note-writing to the last minute because I am a major league procrastinator. I am more than half way done with writing all my notes, but am feeling awfully tired. I have probably stayed up too late and have taken too much phenibut. I am going to try to get a little rest before I enter my eternal rest. I will get back to business when I am feeling more alert.

 

[Rocksandsand]

@xXSarac3nSlay3rXx notes are so hard. I am at the point where I want to CTB so bad but the notes are a major delay. My heart goes out to you. I hope you find peace, whatever you decide

 

[xXSarac3nSlay3rXx]

@xXSarac3nSlay3rXx notes are so hard. I am at the point where I want to CTB so bad but the notes are a major delay. My heart goes out to you. I hope you find peace, whatever you decide

I got a decent bit of sleep. I'm definitely feeling much more clear headed and alert. I suppose I should get back to writing in a bit. Once I'm finished with all of that, should I ctb or wait to ctb till early tomorrow morning. I could just do so in my room with a reasonable expectation of not being interrupted, but I'm not entirely certain I wouldn't be. The plan was originally to ctb in the wee hours of the morning inside my parked car in an empty parking lot.

I wanted to ctb before today so that I could be withdrawn from my university and my tuition could be refunded, as today is the last day to do so. The reason why is that my parents very kindly decided to help me out with the first tuition payment of this semester. I don't have the money on hand to pay my parents back, so I want to make sure they didn't waste it. I could call over and withdraw myself, but in the event I reconsider and decide to stay that would kind of screw me over. How would I explain to my parents a compulsive withdrawal? Do you suppose if I ctb tomorrow morning that my parents can explain the situation and get the refund despite being a day outside the window? I know I'm kind of digging my own grave here (no pun intended), but any advice would be much appreciated.

 

[BipolarExpat]

Do you suppose if I ctb tomorrow morning that my parents can explain the situation and get the refund despite being a day outside the window? I know I'm kind of digging my own grave here (no pun intended), but any advice would be much appreciated.

Sorry to say it,...but in my experience universities (like most educational agencies) are quite strict about documentation, rules, deadlines, etc.

2ndly, I'd doubt that any family member's first inclination (after death news) would be to consider any outstanding refunds or otherwise and act.

In other words, your thought of 1 day would most likely (quickly) become 3-4 days or even beyond a week as their hands (and minds) would be full with your final arrangements.

Best

 

[Tragoedia Vitae]

I got a decent bit of sleep. I'm definitely feeling much more clear headed and alert. I suppose I should get back to writing in a bit. Once I'm finished with all of that, should I ctb or wait to ctb till early tomorrow morning. I could just do so in my room with a reasonable expectation of not being interrupted, but I'm not entirely certain I wouldn't be. The plan was originally to ctb in the wee hours of the morning inside my parked car in an empty parking lot.

I wanted to ctb before today so that I could be withdrawn from my university and my tuition could be refunded, as today is the last day to do so. The reason why is that my parents very kindly decided to help me out with the first tuition payment of this semester. I don't have the money on hand to pay my parents back, so I want to make sure they didn't waste it. I could call over and withdraw myself, but in the event I reconsider and decide to stay that would kind of screw me over. How would I explain to my parents a compulsive withdrawal? Do you suppose if I ctb tomorrow morning that my parents can explain the situation and get the refund despite being a day outside the window? I know I'm kind of digging my own grave here (no pun intended), but any advice would be much appreciated.

I hope you achieve what your heart desires. I just wanted to mention that colleges usually issue a tuition refund in the event of a student's death, but it will be a good idea to double check your college's policies on this before catching the bus. I'm from the US, so your mileage may vary. From what I've seen, a student can die anytime during the semester and a refund will be issued as long as appropriate documentation is provided (e.g. death certificate).

If you decide not to CTB after withdrawing from your classes, maybe you could say that you wanted to take some time off from college to explore your options (e.g. getting a job, gaining some real-world experience, etc.) and that you don't want to waste their money if you aren't fully committed to college?

 

[xXSarac3nSlay3rXx]

Sorry to say it,...but in my experience universities (like most educational agencies) are quite strict about documentation, rules, deadlines, etc.

2ndly, I'd doubt that any family member's first inclination (after death news) would be to consider any outstanding refunds or otherwise and act.

In other words, your thought of 1 day would most likely (quickly) become 3-4 days or even beyond a week as their hands (and minds) would be full with your final arrangements.

Best

Well, I suspected as much. I guess my last my last shred of faith in humanity is probably misplaced after all.

I understand that my family will likely be distracted and not immediately think of the refund, but I figure I could write some sort of informal will in which I remind them to do so.

I hope you achieve what your heart desires. I just wanted to mention that colleges usually issue a tuition refund in the event of a student's death, but it will be a good idea to double check your college's policies on this before catching the bus. I'm from the US, so your mileage may vary. From what I've seen, a student can die anytime during the semester and a refund will be issued as long as appropriate documentation is provided (e.g. death certificate).

If you decide not to CTB after withdrawing from your classes, maybe you could say that you wanted to take some time off from college to explore your options (e.g. getting a job, gaining some real-world experience, etc.) and that you don't want to waste their money if you aren't fully committed to college?

I tried to research what my college's policy on student death is, but could find no information online to that end. I looked and several other schools do, in fact, have refund policies provided that proof of a student's death is produced. I don't see how I could call over to the school and inquire about stident death policies without drawing suspicion.

My parents are not going to take "time off" as a valid excuse. They are of the mind that if one does not immediately complete a four-year degree following high school, that one is a deadbeat. I obviously could not explain my real reasoning as I do not want to be committed.

 

[Sirius]

Are you still with us, friend?

 

[Tragoedia Vitae]

Well, I suspected as much. I guess my last my last shred of faith in humanity is probably misplaced after all.

I understand that my family will likely be distracted and not immediately think of the refund, but I figure I could write some sort of informal will in which I remind them to do so.


I tried to research what my college's policy on student death is, but could find no information online to that end. I looked and several other schools do, in fact, have refund policies provided that proof of a student's death is produced. I don't see how I could call over to the school and inquire about stident death policies without drawing suspicion.

My parents are not going to take "time off" as a valid excuse. They are of the mind that if one does not immediately complete a four-year degree following high school, that one is a deadbeat. I obviously could not explain my real reasoning as I do not want to be committed.

Ah, I'm sorry to hear that. My college's policy on student deaths and tuition refund can be easily found online, so I naively thought it might be the same for other colleges. Maybe you could try asking more indirectly, like, "In what situations would a full refund of student tuition be granted?"

That's unfortunate to hear about your parents----I feel like way too many people are pushed straight into college after graduating from high school and all alternative paths are dismissed outright. Social norms can be incredibly harmful.....anyway, I hope your account gets unbanned soon so you can be here for as long as you need/want to.

 

[xXSarac3nSlay3rXx]

Ah, I'm sorry to hear that. My college's policy on student deaths and tuition refund can be easily found online, so I naively thought it might be the same for other colleges. Maybe you could try asking more indirectly, like, "In what situations would a full refund of student tuition be granted?"

That's unfortunate to hear about your parents----I feel like way too many people are pushed straight into college after graduating from high school and all alternative paths are dismissed outright. Social norms can be incredibly harmful.....anyway, I hope your account gets unbanned soon so you can be here for as long as you need/want to.

Well, I am very fortunate to be given the resources I am in life, but my mental state makes me want to ctb regardless. When I look at my life, I sometimes ask what I really have to complain about. I live in an American family with a middle-of-the-road income and am fortunate enough to have the opportunity to be educated period. I feel very ungrateful at times.

Well... I've obviously been unbanned now: sorry for the trouble I caused the mods. It's just that with seemingly everything I do in my life, I find myself procrastinating. I find myself procrastinating with the ultimate decision as well. That's not to say that I don't want to ctb, but as so many do, I have second thoughts running through my head. I haven't been sleeping sufficiently, so maybe that's it.

 

[GinaIsReady]

If you have doubts, postpone.

 

[xXSarac3nSlay3rXx]

If you have doubts, postpone.

I know, maybe I'll give things a little more time. I've seen others say this: how do I know that any doubt I feel isn't just survival instinct?

 

[Lookingforabus]

I know, maybe I'll give things a little more time. I've seen others say this: how do I know that any doubt I feel isn't just survival instinct?

You can't. In fact, a psychiatrist would probably suggest that procrastinating on getting everything in order is a way of preventing yourself from suicide, an indication that you don't completely want to go through it/have serious doubts or fears about going through with it.

I'm of the opinion that there's no such thing as 100% certainty (but I can't be 100% certain of that ), and when it comes to any decision as important as suicide, you're just always going to have doubts. Is that survival instinct, is it a legitimate question of possible better alternatives, is it a billion years of natural selection wiring us to survive at all costs, is it a psychological aversion to the finality of choosing an option? All of the above? No way to know, but there's probably a lot of things at play, including reasons that aren't just survival instinct.

 

[lifeisbutadream]

If you have doubts, postpone.

Absolutely. There's no rush. You're young. Maybe you can work things out. Heaven will wait. It will still be there. I promise.

 

[woxihuanni]

If you feel like you can give it a go, I'd suggest living somewhere other than the US before you call it off. I know I'd kill myself in five minutes if I was over there.

 

[Lookingforabus]

If you feel like you can give it a go, I'd suggest living somewhere other than the US before you call it off. I know I'd kill myself in five minutes if I was over there.

Out of the frying pan and into the fire. Being an immigrant is hell, even in nice, rich Western countries, almost all of which are going through their own waves of nativist, "no more immigration" xenophobia. On top of which, international moves are time consuming, expensive and take a lot of effort, where they're even possible, and you've got the whole foreign land new culture, don't know a soul situation, which is not great for mental health, generally.

It's a fine idea, just... harder than it sounds, and increasingly not an option these days.

 

[woxihuanni]

Out of the frying pan and into the fire. Being an immigrant is hell, even in nice, rich Western countries, almost all of which are going through their own waves of nativist, "no more immigration" xenophobia. On top of which, international moves are time consuming, expensive and take a lot of effort, where they're even possible, and you've got the whole foreign land new culture, don't know a soul situation, which is not great for mental health, generally.

It's a fine idea, just... harder than it sounds, and increasingly not an option these days.

True. Though some people think immigration is like moving to the next apartment. I hope those people fall into such a personal hell of their own that they can neither die nor live, nor even enjoy their addictions anymore. <3

 

[xXSarac3nSlay3rXx]

If you feel like you can give it a go, I'd suggest living somewhere other than the US before you call it off. I know I'd kill myself in five minutes if I was over there.

Trust me, I would if I could, but that's hardly a viable option for me now. Ultimately, the problem is with me, not where I live.

 

[deathislove]

I wish you luck in your attempt <3

 

[EmptySteph62]

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do! I hope you find what you're looking for whether it's in life or death!

 

[Roger]

In fact, a psychiatrist would probably suggest that procrastinating on getting everything in order is a way of preventing yourself from suicide, an indication that you don't completely want to go through it/have serious doubts or fears about going through with it.

I think that a psychiatrist may well be right

 

[xXSarac3nSlay3rXx]

Forgive me if I don't entirely trust psychiatrists. Anyway, thanks to everyone. I'm going to wait for the weekend to come and see how I feel then.