Story This week is crap

[Fire&Ash]

I'm terrible at explaining but I'll do my best. I just wanted to write this out somewhere. I feel like my whole life has been a joke. From my younger years of 0-11 my older sister has bullied me relentlessly. Just the way she speaks to me is awful. Like there is this disdain from her. She has always been the overachiever and has been able to make lots of friends. I remember getting so much anxiety everytime she yelled at me it was like I committed murder. She would treat our other sister and parents like crap but she was always forgiven….i thought if I tried hard enough she will treat me better but I was wrong. This past decade I have been taking care of her kids from homeschooling during Covid, diaper changing, feeding, school trips, and basically babysitting all the time. I didn't have a life. She would literally drop off her kids at any hour and leave without any warning and leave them so she could go to school or grocery shopping or just to hang out with people. This resulted in alot of fights between us. She even hit me once and threw my clothes outside after I told her I don't help people who call me a loser. My parents don't defend me. They never have. They tell me my nieces are innocent and I have to help. I tell them how badly she treats me to the point I'm crying throwing up and they tell me I have to help. My dad especially tells me to figure it out and stop bothering him he isn't getting involved. So for 7 years that was my situation. The constant degrading and my boundaries being crossed over and over again while being told I'm a dead beat aunt and I'm not doing enough. During this time and before I had no friends. It's not like I didn't try, but even the people I considered friends stopped hanging out with me and I don't know why. I always felt like the second option or just being used for rides or something else. I also have learning disabilities which makes learning how to do things at jobs and at home very difficult, combined with maladaptive daydreaming because it was my only way to cope with all this isolation and degrading. Now I'm turning 29 this Saturday. I have no friends, no job, and i still struggle to cook or do things for myself. I wish karma was real but it's not. I just feel so worthless and empty. I told my dad I feel so worthless and empty and I have no friends and I don't know why I tried so hard and my sisters treat me like crap and I don't know what to do. I just wanted to die, which is something I've felt since I was 14. And he called me "fucking selfish" for wanting to die. Wouldn't anybody want to die in my situation? No friends, not from childhood or jobs, extended family doesn't talk to me even when I engage, I'm constantly alone at home I barely go anywhere because where do I go by myself? What exactly am I suppose to feel good about? My dad said if killed myself my mom would die…I don't want to be the reason she dies…but I don't have anything going for me. I feel like that's the story of my life. I keep slugging though and I'm always left feeling more and more broken and empty with nothing to show for it but shame and self hate.
Why is this week crap? I planned to use SN to finally take my own life since my life has been this isolating degrading experience. I don't remember how but my dad and I got into a bad fight and he was telling me things like "don't you think about the afterlife" and "your being too negative people have there own lives that's why you don't talk to anybody" and "you need to get over what your sister did" but what really made me pause about ctb was " your mom will not be able to handle it and she will die and so will I" and that hurts because I don't want to be responsible for my moms death. I think the only thing my parents think of me is that I'm the selfish girl who wants to kill herself. I don't think there are any positive traits from them about me.
I takes to my psychiatrist yesterday and told her "I feel empty and I feel like I'm suffering and I feel so much intense feeling of hurt and betrayal and I feel so worthless and I just want something to stop this feeling or to make me not feel anything. Maybe some stimulants to help me do stuff like brush my teeth and brush my hair I can't do anything" and so she sent me to the er. I went to the er. I told them how I felt, I said I didn't have a plan, a mental health counselor came and then today on Thursday I talked to some mental health counselor about why I felt things. And I was mostly given this speech along the lines of "you just have to take baby steps now and keep going forward" or something like that and idk I just went to bed all day after. I feel like I have to keep trying, even though I don't see how my life could be different or better. All so I don't kill my mom. I'm feel like the worst daughter and sister and aunt out there. I just want to be appreciated and wanted for me and not feel so worthless and hated all the time

ThisI'm terrible at explaining but I'll do my best. I just wanted to write this out somewhere. I feel like my whole life has been a joke. From my younger years of 0-11 my older sister has bullied me relentlessly. Just the way she speaks to me is awful. Like there is this disdain from her. She has always been the overachiever and has been able to make lots of friends. I remember getting so much anxiety everytime she yelled at me it was like I committed murder. She would treat our other sister and parents like crap but she was always forgiven….i thought if I tried hard enough she will treat me better but I was wrong. This past decade I have been taking care of her kids from homeschooling during Covid, diaper changing, feeding, school trips, and basically babysitting all the time. I didn't have a life. She would literally drop off her kids at any hour and leave without any warning and leave them so she could go to school or grocery shopping or just to hang out with people. This resulted in alot of fights between us. She even hit me once and threw my clothes outside after I told her I don't help people who call me a loser. My parents don't defend me. They never have. They tell me my nieces are innocent and I have to help. I tell them how badly she treats me to the point I'm crying throwing up and they tell me I have to help. My dad especially tells me to figure it out and stop bothering him he isn't getting involved. So for 7 years that was my situation. The constant degrading and my boundaries being crossed over and over again while being told I'm a dead beat aunt and I'm not doing enough. During this time and before I had no friends. It's not like I didn't try, but even the people I considered friends stopped hanging out with me and I don't know why. I always felt like the second option or just being used for rides or something else. I also have learning disabilities which makes learning how to do things at jobs and at home very difficult, combined with maladaptive daydreaming because it was my only way to cope with all this isolation and degrading. Now I'm turning 29 this Saturday. I have no friends, no job, and i still struggle to cook or do things for myself. I wish karma was real but it's not. I just feel so worthless and empty. I told my dad I feel so worthless and empty and I have no friends and I don't know why I tried so hard and my sisters treat me like crap and I don't know what to do. I just wanted to die, which is something I've felt since I was 14. And he called me "fucking selfish" for wanting to die. Wouldn't anybody want to die in my situation? No friends, not from childhood or jobs, extended family doesn't talk to me even when I engage, I'm constantly alone at home I barely go anywhere because where do I go by myself? What exactly am I suppose to feel good about? My dad said if killed myself my mom would die…I don't want to be the reason she dies…but I don't have anything going for me. I feel like that's the story of my life. I keep slugging though and I'm always left feeling more and more broken and empty with nothing to show for it but shame and self hate. There is so much more than this but I'm bad at explaining. Another thing I wish I could do better at.

 

[Redacted24]

Sorry I'm just reading this.
You are not the worst daughter/ sister/ aunt... anywhere.
You are dealing with a stacked deck against you.
And the people in your life have gotten used to shunting you aside (until they need something from you, that is)
Then you're made to feel guilty for voicing genuine concerns and negative feelings? As if your feelings and concerns are not valid?

Sorry but this smacks of a toxic work environment. Except that in your case you're being subjected to this...In a place where you should have support and feel safe.

You might consider starting a journal as a way to have a more constructive discussion with your therapist. Things that happen, how that made you feel, things like that.

Getting some reinforcement on effective boundary setting and standing up to the bullies would be a great start.

If you can't go to therapy perhaps your local library could recommend things to read? And the library is a great reason to be out of the house...

 

[Fire&Ash]

Sorry I'm just reading this.
You are not the worst daughter/ sister/ aunt... anywhere.
You are dealing with a stacked deck against you.
And the people in your life have gotten used to shunting you aside (until they need something from you, that is)
Then you're made to feel guilty for voicing genuine concerns and negative feelings? As if your feelings and concerns are not valid?

Sorry but this smacks of a toxic work environment. Except that in your case you're being subjected to this...In a place where you should have support and feel safe.

You might consider starting a journal as a way to have a more constructive discussion with your therapist. Things that happen, how that made you feel, things like that.

Getting some reinforcement on effective boundary setting and standing up to the bullies would be a great start.

If you can't go to therapy perhaps your local library could recommend things to read? And the library is a great reason to be out of the house...

Thanks for reading. I want expecting anyone to read I just needed to type it out and let it be out there. Maybe I will go to the library at some point

 

[Overwhelmed52]

Sorry I'm just reading this.
You are not the worst daughter/ sister/ aunt... anywhere.
You are dealing with a stacked deck against you.
And the people in your life have gotten used to shunting you aside (until they need something from you, that is)
Then you're made to feel guilty for voicing genuine concerns and negative feelings? As if your feelings and concerns are not valid?

Sorry but this smacks of a toxic work environment. Except that in your case you're being subjected to this...In a place where you should have support and feel safe.

You might consider starting a journal as a way to have a more constructive discussion with your therapist. Things that happen, how that made you feel, things like that.

Getting some reinforcement on effective boundary setting and standing up to the bullies would be a great start.

If you can't go to therapy perhaps your local library could recommend things to read? And the library is a great reason to be out of the house...

I agree with just about everything in the post, but I'd only add that trying to stand up to abusive bullies can sometimes be risky. You may just need to find a way to tune them out and not engage when they're looking for a fight. Because it is all about them trying to stir up bad feelings. I agree that going to the library is a good idea. "The Gift of Fear" and "Life Skills for Adult Children" are books that can help you deal with abusive and difficult people. Keep posting here, it can feel good to write things down, and most people here have been through similar things. Hugs to you.

 

[Fire&Ash]

I agree with just about everything in the post, but I'd only add that trying to stand up to abusive bullies can sometimes be risky. You may just need to find a way to tune them out and not engage when they're looking for a fight. Because it is all about them trying to stir up bad feelings. I agree that going to the library is a good idea. "The Gift of Fear" and "Life Skills for Adult Children" are books that can help you deal with abusive and difficult people. Keep posting here, it can feel good to write things down, and most people here have been through similar things. Hugs to you.

ya i would try to stand up to her but she would gaslight me or say things that I couldn't refute I guess I'm not quick witted so I always lose in arguments. She also gets worse when she is comfronted

 

[Overwhelmed52]

ya i would try to stand up to her but she would gaslight me or say things that I couldn't refute I guess I'm not quick witted so I always lose in arguments. She also gets worse when she is comfronted

I'm the same; I can never think of what to say in the moment; and when I do try to defend myself I end up coming across as overreacting or not being believable. People who are bullies are good at dominating and blaming others (it's one of the reasons they're bullies) and they'll escalate it if they feel criticized in any way. You're best off acting unaffected by what they say or do, although I know that's really hard. I hope something good comes your way soon :)

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I'm terrible at explaining but I'll do my best. I just wanted to write this out somewhere. I feel like my whole life has been a joke. From my younger years of 0-11 my older sister has bullied me relentlessly. Just the way she speaks to me is awful. Like there is this disdain from her. She has always been the overachiever and has been able to make lots of friends. I remember getting so much anxiety everytime she yelled at me it was like I committed murder. She would treat our other sister and parents like crap but she was always forgiven….i thought if I tried hard enough she will treat me better but I was wrong. This past decade I have been taking care of her kids from homeschooling during Covid, diaper changing, feeding, school trips, and basically babysitting all the time. I didn't have a life. She would literally drop off her kids at any hour and leave without any warning and leave them so she could go to school or grocery shopping or just to hang out with people. This resulted in alot of fights between us. She even hit me once and threw my clothes outside after I told her I don't help people who call me a loser. My parents don't defend me. They never have. They tell me my nieces are innocent and I have to help. I tell them how badly she treats me to the point I'm crying throwing up and they tell me I have to help. My dad especially tells me to figure it out and stop bothering him he isn't getting involved. So for 7 years that was my situation. The constant degrading and my boundaries being crossed over and over again while being told I'm a dead beat aunt and I'm not doing enough. During this time and before I had no friends. It's not like I didn't try, but even the people I considered friends stopped hanging out with me and I don't know why. I always felt like the second option or just being used for rides or something else. I also have learning disabilities which makes learning how to do things at jobs and at home very difficult, combined with maladaptive daydreaming because it was my only way to cope with all this isolation and degrading. Now I'm turning 29 this Saturday. I have no friends, no job, and i still struggle to cook or do things for myself. I wish karma was real but it's not. I just feel so worthless and empty. I told my dad I feel so worthless and empty and I have no friends and I don't know why I tried so hard and my sisters treat me like crap and I don't know what to do. I just wanted to die, which is something I've felt since I was 14. And he called me "fucking selfish" for wanting to die. Wouldn't anybody want to die in my situation? No friends, not from childhood or jobs, extended family doesn't talk to me even when I engage, I'm constantly alone at home I barely go anywhere because where do I go by myself? What exactly am I suppose to feel good about? My dad said if killed myself my mom would die…I don't want to be the reason she dies…but I don't have anything going for me. I feel like that's the story of my life. I keep slugging though and I'm always left feeling more and more broken and empty with nothing to show for it but shame and self hate.
Why is this week crap? I planned to use SN to finally take my own life since my life has been this isolating degrading experience. I don't remember how but my dad and I got into a bad fight and he was telling me things like "don't you think about the afterlife" and "your being too negative people have there own lives that's why you don't talk to anybody" and "you need to get over what your sister did" but what really made me pause about ctb was " your mom will not be able to handle it and she will die and so will I" and that hurts because I don't want to be responsible for my moms death. I think the only thing my parents think of me is that I'm the selfish girl who wants to kill herself. I don't think there are any positive traits from them about me.
I takes to my psychiatrist yesterday and told her "I feel empty and I feel like I'm suffering and I feel so much intense feeling of hurt and betrayal and I feel so worthless and I just want something to stop this feeling or to make me not feel anything. Maybe some stimulants to help me do stuff like brush my teeth and brush my hair I can't do anything" and so she sent me to the er. I went to the er. I told them how I felt, I said I didn't have a plan, a mental health counselor came and then today on Thursday I talked to some mental health counselor about why I felt things. And I was mostly given this speech along the lines of "you just have to take baby steps now and keep going forward" or something like that and idk I just went to bed all day after. I feel like I have to keep trying, even though I don't see how my life could be different or better. All so I don't kill my mom. I'm feel like the worst daughter and sister and aunt out there. I just want to be appreciated and wanted for me and not feel so worthless and hated all the time

Sorry you are struggling, that sounds like a really shitty situation.
Sorry, I just saw this, but if it means anything - Happy Birthday