This took way too long to write lmao

[BitterlyAlive]

I'm just so damn tired. The pain is unbearable, intense, crushing. The only words that seem acceptable to describe this are agony and pure dysphoria. As expected, I've wasted a hell of a lot of time wondering why I feel so much pain, why it's all I can really remember in my life. There is just no reason for it.

It seems like the majority of people here have been through truly vile, horrible things. There are so many people who have had their children die, been through unimaginable, dehumanizing abuse, been molested, etc. There are others who have also have mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, severe depression, social anxiety, OCD, etc. Your pain is justified, you can connect with each other due to your shared experiences and help one another. That's one of the beautiful things about this website. There is comfort and encouragement for so many people. I think about my life and it just doesn't compare. Supposedly I have anxiety, depression, PTSD. Supposedly I have also been through similar things, with my family and my ex. Everything feels like such a damn lie, I honestly feel like I've made all of this up and have manipulated so many people into believing it's true so they feel sorry for me. I think I'm just a bad, twisted, evil person. Abuse, rape? People have just been reacting to me, everything that's "happened" to me is just what I deserve. My parents are right. I've just been thinking too much and have come up with convenient labels for everything. It's absolutely disgusting.

I want nothing more than to end my fucking pain. There's little band-aid fixes like self-harm and substance abuse, but in reality suicide is the only plausible solution for me. There is no hope, and even if I felt a shred of hope and thought that my "life" would improve, I really don't deserve it. I've said it before and I'll say it again, my death will be a blessing to others. I'll be out of people's lives for good, no one will have to see me, hear me, deal with me anymore. Suicide is the only sort of dream I've ever had for myself, and I can't wait until I finally do it. There's no reason to stick around in this agony and continue being a parasite to others.

 

[botanormal]

First of all, I just want to say you have written this very beautifully, I really appreciate the time it took you to write.

You absolutely do not deserve any of the pain you've had to go through in life. Everything you've gone through is just as real, and just as valid, as what everyone else has experienced. It's so easy to read someone else's posts and trick yourself into believing that, because they appear to have gone through something 'worse', your pain isn't real or as serious. But it is, and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Nothing can be compared, because everyone's experiences are individual and unique, so it would be impossible to ever judge who's pain is 'worse'. I'm so sorry your parents of all people have lead you to think that, but it is in no way true.

You deserve to have a good life, and have hope for the future, if it's what you want. Anyone who would suggest your life is a burden, are clearly the ones with the real issues. You're not hurting anyone by just existing, it's what we all do on this Earth, you should not be made to feel like it is in any way a problem. The people around you making you feel this way have no idea what it's like to be you, and they have no right to treat you that way.

It's so horrible to have to go through such pain, and I really hope you're able to get some peace from it soon. Everything you're feeling is completely valid, and I'm sending you the biggest hugs!

 

[Deleted member 23586]

I feel for you, and understand your plight completely when it comes to thinking you've been scamming people including yourself. I was going to say literally everything @botanormal already did so i cosign with them. I don't have much to add accept that you don't deserve this pain and you're not a twisted individual...society is. *big fruity candy cane hugs*

 

[AnotherBrick]

Your pain and everything you feel is valid and real. You have a right to exist and be happy as much as anyone else does. And while I'm not one to say with any certainty, I'm nevertheless confident that there are just as many (if not more) people who'd rather see you stay and get better. That's not an easy task nor a fair thing to ask of someone who's suffering. But you absolutely deserve it. You deserve love, support, and healing. You deserve a happy life. I'm wishing you strength and peace

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Great post @botanormal ! I was trying to come up with a post of my own to say those same things, but you put it more beautifully than I could.

The only thing I have to add to it is this: Truly twisted, evil people do not care if the things they do are horrible and they are incapable of empathy. They are not concerned about whether or not they deserve to suffer, they just do their own thing and step on other people to get what they want.

YOU @BitterlyAlive are NOT one of those kinds of people. The fact that the possibility of it even concerns you is proof that you are a good person, despite all of the things that you have gone through. The people in your life that have caused you to think of yourself this way are the real parasites and I wish they didn't have to be in your life. If you do decide that suicide is the best decision for you, please don't do it just to punish yourself because you don't deserve that.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Thank you for the kind responses.