i knew that already, but i gave someone a try again anyway. called a coworker. the only one that text me asking if i was okay when i stopped going to work. she didn't even know that i got fired. i know certain people have asked about me before, but i know those people and they're just asking to gossip about me. boss never told or haven't told them yet that i won't be coming back.
told her most of what happened late last year until now. wanted at least one more person to know what happened. why im so fucking broken. i cried. all i got was basically 'you have to move on, try new things, try religion, keep yourself occupied, get a new job, you have to stay positive, you have to keep trying' -- all the stuff you will regularly hear from most. i gave hints that im done with this life, that im too damn tired of everything without saying the words 'suicide' or 'kill myself.' i just knew it would have been a bad idea based on where the conversation was going.
she even finished my sentence when i said 'im going to end..(paused)' -- then she said '..end the bad feelings by getting better.' almost like she didn't want to hear the words.
after the call, i felt extremely exhausted. laid down and passed out for a bit, but not without getting a nightmare. heart was racing. felt worse sleeping.
been immensely depressed since last week. lonely. wished her a happy birthday. no response. expected. even got removed further from other accounts.
saw some things recently and today that showed me they really don't give a single fuck about my well being. i'm just another crazy person to them. misunderstood garbage
prepared my scheduled email to be sent when i drink the sn just so it's ready and all i have to do is send it when the time comes. just have to pull all 18k from the 401k. this is how much i have left. checking account is almost done. credit card has debt. since i have no intention of working anymore, it'll be the last amount remaining until it runs out. unless i kill myself beforehand.
little to no energy to stream tonight.
told her most of what happened late last year until now. wanted at least one more person to know what happened. why im so fucking broken. i cried. all i got was basically 'you have to move on, try new things, try religion, keep yourself occupied, get a new job, you have to stay positive, you have to keep trying' -- all the stuff you will regularly hear from most. i gave hints that im done with this life, that im too damn tired of everything without saying the words 'suicide' or 'kill myself.' i just knew it would have been a bad idea based on where the conversation was going.
she even finished my sentence when i said 'im going to end..(paused)' -- then she said '..end the bad feelings by getting better.' almost like she didn't want to hear the words.
after the call, i felt extremely exhausted. laid down and passed out for a bit, but not without getting a nightmare. heart was racing. felt worse sleeping.
been immensely depressed since last week. lonely. wished her a happy birthday. no response. expected. even got removed further from other accounts.
saw some things recently and today that showed me they really don't give a single fuck about my well being. i'm just another crazy person to them. misunderstood garbage
prepared my scheduled email to be sent when i drink the sn just so it's ready and all i have to do is send it when the time comes. just have to pull all 18k from the 401k. this is how much i have left. checking account is almost done. credit card has debt. since i have no intention of working anymore, it'll be the last amount remaining until it runs out. unless i kill myself beforehand.
little to no energy to stream tonight.
