Venting This place has put me into a chokehold

[gag_order]

I am a 24 years old closeted gay man born in a third-world country I won't name (I kindly ask you to not name it if you figure it out, I am kind of paranoid at this point). The vast majority of this country consists of religiously fanatic conservatives. The dictator got elected once again and this time we also have Shariah advocates in the parliament. Every single day they point their fingers at us, saying that LGBTQI+ people should have no jobs, we should starve, we should be deprived of citizenship, deported, or killed even. They define us as "sick and immoral". During the Pride, the police will beat you, gas you, and jail you if you decide to join the march. If you wear/use anything that has a rainbow (or the rainbow colors) on it, congratulations, you are now labeled as a terrorist. No statement in our constitution makes being gay lawfully illegal, yet this has no value as the government hates the current constitution and doesn't enforce articles concerning individual freedom. They will probably change it over the next few years anyway.

I can sense the upcoming witch hunt. As I'm closeted I'm expected to be relatively chill, but I just can't. I am a very emotional person, I had a vision for myself but I will never be free in this country. I won't be able to have the family I always wanted. I will always feel like someone is watching me from the shadows. This thought alone is enough to drive me crazy. I am losing sleep. I am severely, fatally depressed, and anxious. My life is a living hell. I never leave my room, I only have two online friends, look like absolute shit, and am deprived of all means, both economically and mentally, to work toward a better future.

Our economy is completely fucked, I cannot move out of this shit hole even in my wildest dreams. I looked into studying abroad for my Master's, but countries have ridiculous requirements. Most of them expect foreigners to have €6.000-10.000 in a bank account that is at least 6 months old. Let me put it into perspective. I have to work for 2 years straight in a minimum wage job and save all of the money without touching a single banknote to make €6.000. And this is only for one expense item. Now think of the tuition, visa application expenses, health insurance, flight tickets... yeah, actually, let's not think about it. The other methods to fly out of here are hit or miss. I could seek asylum, but for that, you need documentation and evidence that your life is under threat; and since I am closeted, I do not have any. Or I could get married, which just won't happen because I never leave my room and I am mildly obese and I look hideous. My degree is useless for seeking a job abroad.

I have decided on drowning myself, probably next year. I want to at least graduate so I am not a complete failure for those who will remember me. I believe I have the highest GPA in our department so I might graduate with honors, though I'm not completely sure. I chose drowning as a method because I cannot access any other methods. I will take out all the loans I can get and I will rent a private bungalow with a pool. I will buy my favorite food and drink. I will enjoy the day all by myself with my favorite music on. At night, I will take my backpack that is loaded with stones, I will join the two straps on my chest in a very tight manner and lock it with a padlock and let the pool take me. I don't know how possible it is to drown in a pool without getting myself somehow wasted but I don't really have any other realistic options. I could try a lake or a sea (more reliable because of the depth and currents/flows) but I don't know how can I swim away from the shore with all the weights I am planning to bring. Not to mention that I should carry out at night to avoid someone spotting me and the thought of swimming in the sea at night terrifies me. As plan B I am studying the night-night method but it seems unreliable without accurate knowledge.

This was a very long vent… and I wasn't even able to fit in all the bits and pieces that drove me towards CTBing, so I can totally understand if this comes across as whiny/illogical/selfish, or even spoiled. Thanks for reading regardless.

 

[mob]

I know how you feel. Thankfully, I didn't grow up there, but my parents are from a country where LGBTQ+ people do get kidnapped, tortured and killed. It's ruled by a dictator who doesn't see LGBTQ people as…people. More like pests. He claimed to public that these anti-gay purges don't exist because they don't have gay poeple there - which they obviously do. There's so much evidence.
Even now, living in Europe and not in that place (thankfully), I still fear for my life sometimes. Since some people of my ethnicity also live in the same country. So yes, I know exactly what you're talking about - as a lesbian who grew up in a muslim, homophobic household and would most likely get either disowned or killed if my family found out.

Sorry, enough about me though.

It's hard, and I know you feel trapped. I wish you the very best and I completely understand why you'd choose to ctb. It makes me sad to hear that you're going to have to hide your true identity, most likely forever. I hope one day people will realize that being gay is no crime.
If you ever need someone to talk to about this, as someone who relates to your post on a personal level, always feel free to send me a pm. Hugs

 

[FuneralCry]

That really does sound like such a hellish situation, I hope that when the time is right for you to leave you find the freedom you search for, best wishes.

 

[gag_order]

That really does sound like such a hellish situation, I hope that when the time is right for you to leave you find the freedom you search for, best wishes.

Thank you for your kind words. I hope everyone who seeks infinite freedom finds it in the most peaceful way possible.

 

[Aegon]

I'm a pansexual male in a similar country and I feel terrible not being able to live my life with peace of mind. it is very upsetting to see other people live their lives freely as they wish while we have to be careful because who we are and who we choose to be in love with.

 

[pyroxenic]

I dont want to scare you or anything, but drowning would sound like a terrible way to go, you would probably be in a flight or fight mode as you run out of air in the water and literally drown while in horrible panic. But of course, if anything i wish for your living conditions to improve where you move out and be out of closet without living in fear day to day. That might be whishful thinking from my part and like you said yourself its very hard to find a way out of your current living situation. I myself am (mostly) closeted gay trans man and understand how having to be forever closeted is suffocating with no way out. So i hope you hang in there brother, i hope youll find your freedom one day. :(

 

[todiefor]

Could you seek asylum? I've known a number of gay men from countries similar to what you described just flying into the country and seeking asylum based on prosecution based on sexual orientation. So far I've seen that they are all still staying here and are all working legally. im sure you are aware of such options already, but just thought I will mention.

What you have to go through in your home country is just insane, I'm really sorry, everyone should it as their fundamental right to be themselves and love whom ever they choose.

You really sound like an exceptional person. I hope you are able to find the freedom that you deserve.

 

[gag_order]

I'm a pansexual male in a similar country and I feel terrible not being able to live my life with peace of mind. it is very upsetting to see other people live their lives freely as they wish while we have to be careful because who we are and who we choose to be in love with.

I feel for you. It's really stupid how they pretend that who loves who is the most outrageous thing when so many other, real issues exist like poverty, lack of education, skyrocketing crime rates, bullshit housing prices, and inflation... I hope one day we make it out of here.

I dont want to scare you or anything, but drowning would sound like a terrible way to go, you would probably be in a flight or fight mode as you run out of air in the water and literally drown while in horrible panic. But of course, if anything i wish for your living conditions to improve where you move out and be out of closet without living in fear day to day. That might be whishful thinking from my part and like you said yourself its very hard to find a way out of your current living situation. I myself am (mostly) closeted gay trans man and understand how having to be forever closeted is suffocating with no way out. So i hope you hang in there brother, i hope youll find your freedom one day. :(

Thank you for your concern. I've done some research and opinions on drowning are really scattered all across the spectrum from "the worst" to "the best." Some say that it is as painful as setting yourself on fire. Some say it is very peaceful. I've read some near-drowning experiences from both this forum and some local websites. In general, the majority describe this euphoric feeling as if they were about to pass out just like they were falling asleep. I am willing to take my chances honestly. Even if it isn't peaceful, I am willing to trade 3 minutes of suffering for eternal bliss. Besides, I really don't have access to anything else. N and firearms are out of the question. I can get SN but no way to get the supportive drugs. I don't trust myself with hanging and jumping just isn't reliable. I truly hope everyone gets their desired closure.

Could you seek asylum? I've known a number of gay men from countries similar to what you described just flying into the country and seeking asylum based on prosecution based on sexual orientation. So far I've seen that they are all still staying here and are all working legally. im sure you are aware of such options already, but just thought I will mention.

What you have to go through in your home country is just insane, I'm really sorry, everyone should it as their fundamental right to be themselves and love whom ever they choose.

You really sound like an exceptional person. I hope you are able to find the freedom that you deserve.

If I wasn't closeted I could seek asylum. However, when you apply for it they require you to prove that your life is in danger, and you can only do it through documentation (doctor reports, court decisions, videos of police violence, etc.) Since nobody knows I'm gay for now I haven't faced prosecution. Perhaps I could get myself out there and join the Pride marches and LGBT associations and collect documentation that way, but it's so hard to risk everything when absolutely nothing is clear. You can only seek asylum if you're physically in the territory of the relevant country, and it makes me scared because since our passport is so weak we're required to acquire visas and lately the rejection rates are blowing up. It could turn into a gamble in which I risk getting tortured, evicted, and having lifetime unemployment for basically nothing very quickly. Thank you for your kind words and suggestions. I hope everyone gets their desired closure one way or the other.

 

[todiefor]

I feel for you. It's really stupid how they pretend that who loves who is the most outrageous thing when so many other, real issues exist like poverty, lack of education, skyrocketing crime rates, bullshit housing prices, and inflation... I hope one day we make it out of here.


Thank you for your concern. I've done some research and opinions on drowning are really scattered all across the spectrum from "the worst" to "the best." Some say that it is as painful as setting yourself on fire. Some say it is very peaceful. I've read some near-drowning experiences from both this forum and some local websites. In general, the majority describe this euphoric feeling as if they were about to pass out just like they were falling asleep. I am willing to take my chances honestly. Even if it isn't peaceful, I am willing to trade 3 minutes of suffering for eternal bliss. Besides, I really don't have access to anything else. N and firearms are out of the question. I can get SN but no way to get the supportive drugs. I don't trust myself with hanging and jumping just isn't reliable. I truly hope everyone gets their desired closure.


If I wasn't closeted I could seek asylum. However, when you apply for it they require you to prove that your life is in danger, and you can only do it through documentation (doctor reports, court decisions, videos of police violence, etc.) Since nobody knows I'm gay for now I haven't faced prosecution. Perhaps I could get myself out there and join the Pride marches and LGBT associations and collect documentation that way, but it's so hard to risk everything when absolutely nothing is clear. You can only seek asylum if you're physically in the territory of the relevant country, and it makes me scared because since our passport is so weak we're required to acquire visas and lately the rejection rates are blowing up. It could turn into a gamble in which I risk getting tortured, evicted, and having lifetime unemployment for basically nothing very quickly. Thank you for your kind words and suggestions. I hope everyone gets their desired closure one way or the other.

Oh really, gosh that is such a catch 22 though, so stupid! Yeah I see what u mean, there's uncertainty and danger either way

 

[gag_order]

I know how you feel. Thankfully, I didn't grow up there, but my parents are from a country where LGBTQ+ people do get kidnapped, tortured and killed. It's ruled by a dictator who doesn't see LGBTQ people as…people. More like pests. He claimed to public that these anti-gay purges don't exist because they don't have gay poeple there - which they obviously do. There's so much evidence.
Even now, living in Europe and not in that place (thankfully), I still fear for my life sometimes. Since some people of my ethnicity also live in the same country. So yes, I know exactly what you're talking about - as a lesbian who grew up in a muslim, homophobic household and would most likely get either disowned or killed if my family found out.

Sorry, enough about me though.

It's hard, and I know you feel trapped. I wish you the very best and I completely understand why you'd choose to ctb. It makes me sad to hear that you're going to have to hide your true identity, most likely forever. I hope one day people will realize that being gay is no crime.
If you ever need someone to talk to about this, as someone who relates to your post on a personal level, always feel free to send me a pm. Hugs

Oh dear, I missed your lovely comment when I was responding to everyone else. I got quite a lot of support with reactions, I must've overlooked the notification. Pardon me.

I am very happy that you got out of that situation. I understand how you may still feel scared for your life, there is no heaven on earth. I hope only good people come your way. It truly doesn't make sense to fear punishment when you've committed no crime.

As for me, I don't believe places like this can change at all. The issues raised by religions, especially in this part of the world, often become chronic. Even in developed countries like the USA, people struggle against bigoted zealots. I do not believe that this country, whose primary religion is much more extreme and as primitive as it was on the first day, can be reformed.

I'm both happy and sorry that you can relate to my situation because, in an ideal world, no one should. Thank you so much for your kind words. Knowing that you're not the only one is one thing but actually interacting with that person is another. Much love