annxietty
“Is there no way out of the mind?”
- Mar 27, 2023
- 150
So, I live with my sister, her husband and their son (my nephew), I love it when they leave me alone at home because I have the house for myself, but specially because its very rare that everyone is busy outside at the same time and I can be alone...
They smoke weed everyday at night, they let me try it and I loved it but since my last psychiatrist appointment (I now take more meds) they dont let me smoke, so when Im alone without them knowing I smoke their leftovers from last night (If they leave any lol). Ah, and I like to get drunk and dance by myself to loud music because I feel free and getting drunk is fun, but everyone knows that, right?
Well Im telling all this because this morning I took everything too far (im pretty self destructive) I was alone so I was all "is drinking and smoking time lets gooo" I started drinking and drinking and drinking, aaaand I got so drunk like Ive never been so drunk in my whole life, but I was "ok" ,the wrong thing I did was smoke some weed (at least I think that was the last straw lol), Im not used to smoking and drinking too much Im not gonna lie, this is all pretty new to me, I just know I like it, and this morning I took some weed, I drunk like Ive never did before and... well.... I started to almost hallucinate, I just know I took my clothes off, took a shower, I fell getting out of the shower (I broke a bathroom tile btw), I dressed myself and I went to try to sleep it off.
So my sister's husband gets home at 2pm and everything was going downhill at around 1pm, I was like "ok, I have an hour to get better" oh god, how wrong I was... When I was on my bed the world was spinning like I was moving, and then I grabbed a bucket I had in my bedroom and started vomiting, I threw up like 4 times, then went to the bathroom and threw up more, I checked my phone "1:50pm" Im fucked...
I then started to realize I was not myself, like I had moments I couldnt remember "how did I went from the bathroom to my bed?" "did I wash my hair in the shower?" "did I really fall getting out of the shower?" "did I really looked up the time on my phone?" Its almost like I realized something in a philosophical way? (?) I dont know... but I even thought I was gonna die lol...
Well, I had to do something because If my sister realizes I drink when she is out and/or I smoke she will get so angry and she will start to doubt me, so what I did is call her (she had to come home at around 3pm) and tell her I woke up with the worst migraine (I have migraines usually) and that I wouldnt eat or get out of bed, she told me that everything was fine and when she came home she came to check on me and told me to rest... Long story short, both my sister and her husband believed my story, the broken tile I said it was because I fell because of the huge migraine I was having and they said that those tiles are very fragile and that I shouldnt worry about it... phew, everything went fine and Im still (its midnight) feeling awful and with a strong headache, but Im safe...
I will never again do this, It felt awful, I almost chocked throwing up, and I almost got caught... Im stupid and I dont even know what went through my head doing this.... well yes I do, I want to feel free, and I felt free that much I can say...
Thank you for reading this lol just wanted to put this somewhere, because I know I will never tell anyone what happened this morning...
They smoke weed everyday at night, they let me try it and I loved it but since my last psychiatrist appointment (I now take more meds) they dont let me smoke, so when Im alone without them knowing I smoke their leftovers from last night (If they leave any lol). Ah, and I like to get drunk and dance by myself to loud music because I feel free and getting drunk is fun, but everyone knows that, right?
Well Im telling all this because this morning I took everything too far (im pretty self destructive) I was alone so I was all "is drinking and smoking time lets gooo" I started drinking and drinking and drinking, aaaand I got so drunk like Ive never been so drunk in my whole life, but I was "ok" ,the wrong thing I did was smoke some weed (at least I think that was the last straw lol), Im not used to smoking and drinking too much Im not gonna lie, this is all pretty new to me, I just know I like it, and this morning I took some weed, I drunk like Ive never did before and... well.... I started to almost hallucinate, I just know I took my clothes off, took a shower, I fell getting out of the shower (I broke a bathroom tile btw), I dressed myself and I went to try to sleep it off.
So my sister's husband gets home at 2pm and everything was going downhill at around 1pm, I was like "ok, I have an hour to get better" oh god, how wrong I was... When I was on my bed the world was spinning like I was moving, and then I grabbed a bucket I had in my bedroom and started vomiting, I threw up like 4 times, then went to the bathroom and threw up more, I checked my phone "1:50pm" Im fucked...
I then started to realize I was not myself, like I had moments I couldnt remember "how did I went from the bathroom to my bed?" "did I wash my hair in the shower?" "did I really fall getting out of the shower?" "did I really looked up the time on my phone?" Its almost like I realized something in a philosophical way? (?) I dont know... but I even thought I was gonna die lol...
Well, I had to do something because If my sister realizes I drink when she is out and/or I smoke she will get so angry and she will start to doubt me, so what I did is call her (she had to come home at around 3pm) and tell her I woke up with the worst migraine (I have migraines usually) and that I wouldnt eat or get out of bed, she told me that everything was fine and when she came home she came to check on me and told me to rest... Long story short, both my sister and her husband believed my story, the broken tile I said it was because I fell because of the huge migraine I was having and they said that those tiles are very fragile and that I shouldnt worry about it... phew, everything went fine and Im still (its midnight) feeling awful and with a strong headache, but Im safe...
I will never again do this, It felt awful, I almost chocked throwing up, and I almost got caught... Im stupid and I dont even know what went through my head doing this.... well yes I do, I want to feel free, and I felt free that much I can say...
Thank you for reading this lol just wanted to put this somewhere, because I know I will never tell anyone what happened this morning...
