itsamadworld
i wanna die somewhere like up there
- Mar 15, 2020
- 410
Thankfully, i don't work today, but have to get my oil changed, and i just dread this type of social interaction!
My ex boyfriend was driving me mad, and vice-versa, So i decided it was best to part ways for some time, until we can tolerate one-another again, if ever. So I shall have to do my errands alone, which I have done a lot, through out the years. .....Maybe 40 for CBT, isn't such a dream anymore....I don't see any hope in relationships, I don't want children, I'm tired of responsibilities, taking care of people, and keeping the economy going by my existence, and I don't want to keep being societies slave- Bitch anymore. I just never had a strong will to live, because society rejected my sensitive nature, long before I rejected society.....And even men don't do it for me anymore, because I see how those types of relationships go down in humans, or women- they never did for me- no offence, even though I am one, maybe that's why I don't like it ....SO what am i doing here? Why do i continue to exist? Because I am a coward...I am afraid of the afterlife. that's why....But what if i just stop caring?
I work in a memory care unit, been working in hospice and palliative care. elderly 65+ And I don't have the energy to go into my feelings and the anger there....It has just driven me to the point, that I don't want to get old..I mean, to where I have to succumb to the mercy of the system. I already feel down-trodden and controlled..... I have such resentment that physician assisted suicide is not legal and at the Pro-lifers control the system, that I cannot make a rational argument at the moment, because all I see is red, and I am high again, so i see green too.....They drive us all to maddness, until we become there human cattle, succumb to their control....We just tolerate their abuse, because if you don't, it will cause more suffering on oneself..that is how i see it.....It almost makes me violent, and it's useless cuz all i do is cause myself more suffering....so I best change the subject! This pisses me off! I just have to get sober and motivated, before I drive to get my oil changed, so I am trying not to have a melt-down! When all i wish is that i wasn't born so I didn't have to keep being strong-armed into doing shit I a just so tired of......
Bottom line; I just hate this world....and I wish I wasn't born into it...
My ex boyfriend was driving me mad, and vice-versa, So i decided it was best to part ways for some time, until we can tolerate one-another again, if ever. So I shall have to do my errands alone, which I have done a lot, through out the years. .....Maybe 40 for CBT, isn't such a dream anymore....I don't see any hope in relationships, I don't want children, I'm tired of responsibilities, taking care of people, and keeping the economy going by my existence, and I don't want to keep being societies slave- Bitch anymore. I just never had a strong will to live, because society rejected my sensitive nature, long before I rejected society.....And even men don't do it for me anymore, because I see how those types of relationships go down in humans, or women- they never did for me- no offence, even though I am one, maybe that's why I don't like it ....SO what am i doing here? Why do i continue to exist? Because I am a coward...I am afraid of the afterlife. that's why....But what if i just stop caring?
I work in a memory care unit, been working in hospice and palliative care. elderly 65+ And I don't have the energy to go into my feelings and the anger there....It has just driven me to the point, that I don't want to get old..I mean, to where I have to succumb to the mercy of the system. I already feel down-trodden and controlled..... I have such resentment that physician assisted suicide is not legal and at the Pro-lifers control the system, that I cannot make a rational argument at the moment, because all I see is red, and I am high again, so i see green too.....They drive us all to maddness, until we become there human cattle, succumb to their control....We just tolerate their abuse, because if you don't, it will cause more suffering on oneself..that is how i see it.....It almost makes me violent, and it's useless cuz all i do is cause myself more suffering....so I best change the subject! This pisses me off! I just have to get sober and motivated, before I drive to get my oil changed, so I am trying not to have a melt-down! When all i wish is that i wasn't born so I didn't have to keep being strong-armed into doing shit I a just so tired of......
Bottom line; I just hate this world....and I wish I wasn't born into it...
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