We promise you that you aren't the monster, you just have other people who make you feel inadequate :)
our worth is not determined by others; I do indeed promise you this, above all.
I just want to let you know, that in the little I have heard of you--you seem like a truly fine person indeed--and I hope whatever struggle you are enduring is able to be overcome, that you are able to have a nice life, and cure whatever is currently afflicting you. Best of luck
You are not obligated towards anything. You can change your decision on whether to live or die at any moment; both are valid options given validity by the power of your will and your will alone. You do not have to settle for what you do not want. If you want to die, nobody can stop you. If you want to live, nobody can stop you, either.
I encourage you to sit with your emotions and contemplate what you truly feel, to search yourself for the words of what you are experiencing right now. I hope you are able to find at least some ease and harmony in this meditation, at the very least.
I also encourage you to put a delay of 1 week or so between any suicidal decisions and their completion--to ensure the lack of impulse and to ensure you are truly at peace with whatever decisions you make.
Know that whatever happens; we are with you. And most always willing to hear you out, and glad to hear from you, too.
We are all glad to know you. Please take care.
--Hunter