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DiscussionThis isn’t my life
Thread starterSolomonKado
Start date
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You ever catch yourself wondering what the heck happened to your life? You hoped for certain things and none of them came true because of the frailty of the body and other people who use the rest of us to get what they want instead of doing it together…
Maybe even wonder why you're still here and others have already CTB'd with no problem? That their life was so full of absolute torment they had no hope for their life anyways? No good in their life so fighting their SI wasn't even a problem. Some of us had experienced "some" good and that might be what's keeping us here…
You ever catch yourself wondering what the heck happened to your life? You hoped for certain things and none of them came true because of the frailty of the body and other people who use the rest of us to get what they want instead of doing it together…
You ever catch yourself wondering what the heck happened to your life? You hoped for certain things and none of them came true because of the frailty of the body and other people who use the rest of us to get what they want instead of doing it together…
My life has been a shitshow clusterfuck since the day I was born. Abusive parents, betrayed by so-called friends for no good reason , hateful and jealous people destroying any chance of success or happiness have all contributed greatly to my mental illness and the fact that I want to permanently delete my existence.
I can't believe this is my life sometimes. On paper it looks "okay", but I'm constantly hoping to wake up in a different body, different life. I wake up disappointed. It was stolen from me, and I watch it in real time every day that my mom siphons away my life - any hopes, dreams, goals, fuck even the ability to take a damn shower.
She birthed me to steal my life away. I already wasted my best years being her pet. I fought so hard to carve little spaces in my life to be happy but they get taken away. I'm fucking 30.
All I have left in life is to decay slowly while kissing her feet. If she disappeared tomorrow, I would probably delay CTB for about 15 years. But this bitch will outlive me.
Maybe even wonder why you're still here and others have already CTB'd with no problem? That their life was so full of absolute torment they had no hope for their life anyways? No good in their life so fighting their SI wasn't even a problem. Some of us had experienced "some" good and that might be what's keeping us here…
The only reason why I'm still here is the fear of failing an attempt. I'd hate to end up with permanent damage. In that case it would've been better to never have attempted in the first place. The risk of failure is the only thing still keeping me here. I also feel like I'm waiting for the right time when I feel confident enough that the universe will allow me to succeed. Ugh I wish we had a guaranteed, painless, easy way out. I am definitely going to ctb though, otherwise life will pass me by and I'll be forced to keep existing. I always thought that I would never live past 18, but I didn't do anything about it so I inevitably reached it anyways. I wish I had the courage to ctb when I was younger.
Every day I ask myself the same thing. I don't know what I'm doing here in this world, people despise me because I'm different, because I'm not like everyone, I've felt for a long time, that I don't belong in this world. time. People take advantage of me, they make fun of me, they have even hit me, my mother mistreats me and humiliates me for having Asperger's and being different. I'm still alive just to take care of my kittens, I only have 3 kittens left..
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