TomorrowNeverComes
at the end of the day, there is beauty in tragedy
- Jul 25, 2024
- 9
Earlier, I attempted to CTB for the second time, and I feel completely useless. I can't die with partial hanging, it's my only option, but I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I feel a sense of urgency and need to die, but I can't find a reliable way to make me pass out without my body bailing out at the last second.
I live in an inn. If I'm going to die with partial, it absolutely needs to happen tonight because the rent that I cannot pay is due. I cannot bring myself to die without being completely isolated but I feel like knowing that I'm such a fuck up I'm not going to get what I want.
My anchor point is a suspended coat rack that's bolted high and can hold my body weight. I'm using a paracord with a clove hitch attached to the bar and a slipknot on the end. I folded a blanket and pillow as a mat for kneeling. I remember constantly adjusting my rope so that Its in a position where if I'm kneeling without pushing my head down, my oxygen flow should still be cut off by some amount, but not all. Is that what I'm doing wrong? I'm going to post my setup when I can, I still feel lethargic from earlier so I'm not going to include it in this post.
For my first attempt I knelt down, with the rope clutching my neck tightly. About 10 seconds passed before everything turned to static, the music going through my earbuds would get softer, but I was still conscious. Eventually I stopped breathing but I could still see the light from my phone screen, although blurry. I thought I was doing everything right and that this was it, but my body slumped to the side and the slipknot came undone. I couldn't breathe for a few seconds, then I started thrashing about and spitting uncontrollably. It felt like a seizure even though I've never experienced it. I woke up 30 minutes later, remembering mostly everything but feeling fatigued. The other two attempts didn't come close to the first one. I could still hear music, I was aware of my surroundings. The only thing I felt like was supposed to happen was that feeling of blood rushing to my head.
I have no fucking clue what i'm doing. I go through thread after thread, apparently you're supposed to pass out after 3-7 seconds? What the fuck? What the fuck am I supposed to be looking for? Am I even supposed to be remembering any of this if done right? Why is it not just as simple as a rope around my fucking neck? What part about this is "painless" or "peaceful"? What in the actual fuck am I doing wrong? Please, anyone, give me insight. I don't want to be here any longer.
I live in an inn. If I'm going to die with partial, it absolutely needs to happen tonight because the rent that I cannot pay is due. I cannot bring myself to die without being completely isolated but I feel like knowing that I'm such a fuck up I'm not going to get what I want.
My anchor point is a suspended coat rack that's bolted high and can hold my body weight. I'm using a paracord with a clove hitch attached to the bar and a slipknot on the end. I folded a blanket and pillow as a mat for kneeling. I remember constantly adjusting my rope so that Its in a position where if I'm kneeling without pushing my head down, my oxygen flow should still be cut off by some amount, but not all. Is that what I'm doing wrong? I'm going to post my setup when I can, I still feel lethargic from earlier so I'm not going to include it in this post.
For my first attempt I knelt down, with the rope clutching my neck tightly. About 10 seconds passed before everything turned to static, the music going through my earbuds would get softer, but I was still conscious. Eventually I stopped breathing but I could still see the light from my phone screen, although blurry. I thought I was doing everything right and that this was it, but my body slumped to the side and the slipknot came undone. I couldn't breathe for a few seconds, then I started thrashing about and spitting uncontrollably. It felt like a seizure even though I've never experienced it. I woke up 30 minutes later, remembering mostly everything but feeling fatigued. The other two attempts didn't come close to the first one. I could still hear music, I was aware of my surroundings. The only thing I felt like was supposed to happen was that feeling of blood rushing to my head.
I have no fucking clue what i'm doing. I go through thread after thread, apparently you're supposed to pass out after 3-7 seconds? What the fuck? What the fuck am I supposed to be looking for? Am I even supposed to be remembering any of this if done right? Why is it not just as simple as a rope around my fucking neck? What part about this is "painless" or "peaceful"? What in the actual fuck am I doing wrong? Please, anyone, give me insight. I don't want to be here any longer.
