I have been out of my hell house for a week now, and I have already made some big steps in the right direction.
People now know that they basically left me to rot in there, but I tell them not to beat themselves up, we all make mistakes.
I have been trying to get away from him for YEARS, well over TEN years. I think CTB was my only last way out, I had it all planned right down to the last details, I couldn't fix up helium in time, so I was going to lay down on the train tracks. I didn't want to go this way, but last week, when my husband ran out of money and went broke, and stepped up his mental torture campaign against me, trying to weedle more money out of my 71 year old mother, that was it.
The day I decided to go out and do it I left my dog at home and left the house, cursed my final curse at the dickhead and was well prepared to go.
I don't know what made me stop, this was it, I was going to go out this way after over 13 years of living with this bastard, he had won.
Then I had a random thought, what if I just went, just vanished, left everything behind.
How could that be worse than death?
My husband then began demanding money, he did it in such a clever way that nobody suspected he was actually asking my mum. The man is delusional, he is living in a total fantasy world way above his means.
He is in debt, he is BROKE, not a penny to his name.
I told him our marriage was over, his response? demanding another £1000. My mum had bailed him out twice before with £2000 over two months from her savings, which do NOT amount to a million pounds like he thinks they do!!!
I had become a cash card into my mum's bank account, that's all I was to him, so our marriage was over.
He got into this mess because he won a settlement for his back injury, lived like a king for two years, tried to set up his failed t shirt printing business, then went broke.
I remember my last evening in the hell house, him demanding £1000 to last him through January while he found the ever elusive job. He said he did not care where it came from, 'the loan shark' he said, 'the next door neighbor', 'the queen', lol, the next door friggen neighbor! I mean come on. He really meant my poor mum, who he has hounded for money for months.
He is trying to emotionally blackmail me too, but I am stronger than that, I must lean on my benzo withdrawal survivor's stoic resolve and steel myself to it, weather the storm.
We also had to report him to the police for mental abuse, so we have an incident number now in case it all kicks off again or he finds me here.
No job has ever materialised for him, despite my efforts to to help him find one.
This evening I caught him on a recording making all kinds of threats, but it was ok, the next day I was leaving.
My mum bless her, collected me the next day and my dog and we left, as we left the universe seemed to cry for the mess I was in as the rain fell on my face and I strapped my dog into the back of my mum's car, my life changed forever.
This was it, I was out, no more of this hell.
I was going to live, somehow, for now, I was going to carry on.
I have to go back to the house today to collect my mail, but I won't be alone, one of my support workers will be with me, and I am not afraid of him. I have never been afraid of him, I am not afraid of anything.
I am trying to get my life sorted, it is all a big mess, I have to sort out social security benefits and find a rented place with these benefits and a dog, not an easy feat at all, but hey, I am a benzo withdrawal survivor and I survived 13 years in hell with a man I never really loved.
I have now identified myself as bisexual, and I will 'come out' to everyone very soon, not that it will phase any of my family.
I do not want another relationship, not for a long, long time, but I want to explore this side of me, maybe I will try a few non lasting things, I don't know. I feel I need to let myself be what and who I am. I would like to meet another woman and, well you know, lol, I need to explore this part of me that has been suppressed for to long.
I do not know where this road is going to take me, and I fully understand why everyone is here.
I don't know where I am going, I am trying to move back to the area I like, so I hope this pulls off.
ID xxx
People now know that they basically left me to rot in there, but I tell them not to beat themselves up, we all make mistakes.
I have been trying to get away from him for YEARS, well over TEN years. I think CTB was my only last way out, I had it all planned right down to the last details, I couldn't fix up helium in time, so I was going to lay down on the train tracks. I didn't want to go this way, but last week, when my husband ran out of money and went broke, and stepped up his mental torture campaign against me, trying to weedle more money out of my 71 year old mother, that was it.
The day I decided to go out and do it I left my dog at home and left the house, cursed my final curse at the dickhead and was well prepared to go.
I don't know what made me stop, this was it, I was going to go out this way after over 13 years of living with this bastard, he had won.
Then I had a random thought, what if I just went, just vanished, left everything behind.
How could that be worse than death?
My husband then began demanding money, he did it in such a clever way that nobody suspected he was actually asking my mum. The man is delusional, he is living in a total fantasy world way above his means.
He is in debt, he is BROKE, not a penny to his name.
I told him our marriage was over, his response? demanding another £1000. My mum had bailed him out twice before with £2000 over two months from her savings, which do NOT amount to a million pounds like he thinks they do!!!
I had become a cash card into my mum's bank account, that's all I was to him, so our marriage was over.
He got into this mess because he won a settlement for his back injury, lived like a king for two years, tried to set up his failed t shirt printing business, then went broke.
I remember my last evening in the hell house, him demanding £1000 to last him through January while he found the ever elusive job. He said he did not care where it came from, 'the loan shark' he said, 'the next door neighbor', 'the queen', lol, the next door friggen neighbor! I mean come on. He really meant my poor mum, who he has hounded for money for months.
He is trying to emotionally blackmail me too, but I am stronger than that, I must lean on my benzo withdrawal survivor's stoic resolve and steel myself to it, weather the storm.
We also had to report him to the police for mental abuse, so we have an incident number now in case it all kicks off again or he finds me here.
No job has ever materialised for him, despite my efforts to to help him find one.
This evening I caught him on a recording making all kinds of threats, but it was ok, the next day I was leaving.
My mum bless her, collected me the next day and my dog and we left, as we left the universe seemed to cry for the mess I was in as the rain fell on my face and I strapped my dog into the back of my mum's car, my life changed forever.
This was it, I was out, no more of this hell.
I was going to live, somehow, for now, I was going to carry on.
I have to go back to the house today to collect my mail, but I won't be alone, one of my support workers will be with me, and I am not afraid of him. I have never been afraid of him, I am not afraid of anything.
I am trying to get my life sorted, it is all a big mess, I have to sort out social security benefits and find a rented place with these benefits and a dog, not an easy feat at all, but hey, I am a benzo withdrawal survivor and I survived 13 years in hell with a man I never really loved.
I have now identified myself as bisexual, and I will 'come out' to everyone very soon, not that it will phase any of my family.
I do not want another relationship, not for a long, long time, but I want to explore this side of me, maybe I will try a few non lasting things, I don't know. I feel I need to let myself be what and who I am. I would like to meet another woman and, well you know, lol, I need to explore this part of me that has been suppressed for to long.
I do not know where this road is going to take me, and I fully understand why everyone is here.
I don't know where I am going, I am trying to move back to the area I like, so I hope this pulls off.
ID xxx
