I've been passively suicidal since the 6th grade, I'm 28 now. Always hoping to get hit by a semi or have an aneurysm. Life just hasn't ever been kind to me, but I always had a backup plan. Some hope that I could do something to turn my life around. But after what happened to me, I don't anymore. I've hit rock bottom and I'm swimming in the mantle.. this is what did it to me.
It started when I was ghosted by the love of my life. We were best friends before dating and fell in love. Then one day, after Valentine's, she ghosts me. No warning. No explanation. I turned to alcohol. She came back a few months later telling me she had feelings for me. I was still in love with her. She used me for sex and money then ghosted me again for some other guy. I went to alcohol again.
A few months later I turned to online dating to fill the hole she left. I met a beautiful girl. We meshed perfectly together. But she was married, though separating and had permission to date. So we did. For the first time ever I had someone who complimented me, showed me affection, went out of their way for me. I felt wanted for the first time ever, and I began to fall in love again. This was the biggest mistake of my life and what would ruin me.
One day I got the call my grandfather had died from medical malpractice and I would have to go to CT for the funeral. I asked her to watch my home and pets while I was gone. She agreed, and with that my life ended. She brought her husband with her. Through their jealousy they would sabotage my life. They filled my PC with illegal porn and placed flash drives with more of it through my room. They called the police and framed me. Meanwhile I was out of state thinking I found love.
I leave the funeral early because I wanted to hold her again so badly. But instead of love and her beautiful smile, I was greeted by a police ambush on the street. She remained in contact with me and told them when I'd be home. They interrogated me on the street, informing me of what I was accused of. They seized all my electronics, my medicine, and my car. Before I could even process what happened the accusations caused me to lose my amazing job, all of my friends ghosted me except my best friend who told me they can't associate with me anymore. My degree became useless as it was for criminal justice. The moment I came home from the funeral, I lost everything and was entirely alone. I stayed in the hospital for awhile so I wouldn't kill myself. There they denied me blankets, would purposely miss my vein when taking blood so my arm was covered in holes and bruises. One nurse would berate me and call me a coward and a monster for what I was accused of.
Months went by and I was charged for something I didn't do. I was brought to jail and placed in suicidal isolation for a month. This isolation is like being a dog in a pound. Slept on the floor on a thin matt with no pillow, bling lights on 24/7, I wasn't allowed eating utensils or even to have a paper cup for water. Eventually I got out on house arrest.
After I had to give custody of my son to my parents. I became a single dad at 16, the mom walked out on us. He was my everything. Months went by and finally court. Despite my innocence, I was screwed. I was charged with possession and couldn't prove someone else put it there. I was giving the choice of 5 years in prison or a plea deal of 5 years probation. I took the plea. Now I'm a sex offender, I can't get work, love, friendship, facing homelessness, I'm forbidden from many places. I can't drink I can't smoke, I can't even celebrate some holidays. Anything and everything I do is monitored and under scrutiny. I'm not even allowed to see my son without supervision.
I cry everyday plagued by what I lost because I thought someone could love me, because I loved them. Imagine that feeling of heartbreak. The pit in your gut. The feeling like your heart will give out but won't. The hopelessness, helplessness, loneliness, betrayal, fear. I feel it all at once all day every day. It's hell. Everyday I go to bed wanting to drive a knife in my neck and wake up regretting I didn't.. the one thing keeping me alive is the fear of hurting the son I'm not allowed to father anymore. All because I loved the wrong person.
I can't fight it anymore, the pain is too great.
Tltr: was falsely accused of a heinous act by the woman I loved and lost everything for it.
It started when I was ghosted by the love of my life. We were best friends before dating and fell in love. Then one day, after Valentine's, she ghosts me. No warning. No explanation. I turned to alcohol. She came back a few months later telling me she had feelings for me. I was still in love with her. She used me for sex and money then ghosted me again for some other guy. I went to alcohol again.
A few months later I turned to online dating to fill the hole she left. I met a beautiful girl. We meshed perfectly together. But she was married, though separating and had permission to date. So we did. For the first time ever I had someone who complimented me, showed me affection, went out of their way for me. I felt wanted for the first time ever, and I began to fall in love again. This was the biggest mistake of my life and what would ruin me.
One day I got the call my grandfather had died from medical malpractice and I would have to go to CT for the funeral. I asked her to watch my home and pets while I was gone. She agreed, and with that my life ended. She brought her husband with her. Through their jealousy they would sabotage my life. They filled my PC with illegal porn and placed flash drives with more of it through my room. They called the police and framed me. Meanwhile I was out of state thinking I found love.
I leave the funeral early because I wanted to hold her again so badly. But instead of love and her beautiful smile, I was greeted by a police ambush on the street. She remained in contact with me and told them when I'd be home. They interrogated me on the street, informing me of what I was accused of. They seized all my electronics, my medicine, and my car. Before I could even process what happened the accusations caused me to lose my amazing job, all of my friends ghosted me except my best friend who told me they can't associate with me anymore. My degree became useless as it was for criminal justice. The moment I came home from the funeral, I lost everything and was entirely alone. I stayed in the hospital for awhile so I wouldn't kill myself. There they denied me blankets, would purposely miss my vein when taking blood so my arm was covered in holes and bruises. One nurse would berate me and call me a coward and a monster for what I was accused of.
Months went by and I was charged for something I didn't do. I was brought to jail and placed in suicidal isolation for a month. This isolation is like being a dog in a pound. Slept on the floor on a thin matt with no pillow, bling lights on 24/7, I wasn't allowed eating utensils or even to have a paper cup for water. Eventually I got out on house arrest.
After I had to give custody of my son to my parents. I became a single dad at 16, the mom walked out on us. He was my everything. Months went by and finally court. Despite my innocence, I was screwed. I was charged with possession and couldn't prove someone else put it there. I was giving the choice of 5 years in prison or a plea deal of 5 years probation. I took the plea. Now I'm a sex offender, I can't get work, love, friendship, facing homelessness, I'm forbidden from many places. I can't drink I can't smoke, I can't even celebrate some holidays. Anything and everything I do is monitored and under scrutiny. I'm not even allowed to see my son without supervision.
I cry everyday plagued by what I lost because I thought someone could love me, because I loved them. Imagine that feeling of heartbreak. The pit in your gut. The feeling like your heart will give out but won't. The hopelessness, helplessness, loneliness, betrayal, fear. I feel it all at once all day every day. It's hell. Everyday I go to bed wanting to drive a knife in my neck and wake up regretting I didn't.. the one thing keeping me alive is the fear of hurting the son I'm not allowed to father anymore. All because I loved the wrong person.
I can't fight it anymore, the pain is too great.
Tltr: was falsely accused of a heinous act by the woman I loved and lost everything for it.
