this is the worst thing of being suicidal..

[glitterypearls]

you are suicidal, you want to die so bad but you are also so scared to do it. people and therapists telling you "it gets better" so you hope every year that it would, but it never does. it just gets worse but you tell yourself I lived this long so why not continue to do it maybe things will change? you are too depressed to do anything because you know that ultimately you will die so whats the point of putting any effort into things? so you are stuck in life. never really accomplished anything good or found happiness. you just living but dead inside. between life and death. the longer you force yourself to live.. the harder it's to kill yourself. this is the worst thing for me about being suicidal. I'm stuck between I should do it or I shouldn't do it and also between I wanna actually LIVE/do things and between whats the point if I'm going to die anyways?

 

[Erik.t.f]

spot on

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I think some of the worst about being suicidal is never achieving anything in life because why take that education when I might be dead within a month? Or anything else really because you can´t plan for the future because in our minds there is none we never know if we will live another year so it makes it pretty hard to consider stuff that is way out in the future like when I hear people getting asked about their 5 year plan I think if they asked me then my 5 year plan would be to have been dead for 5 years so why workout to get a good looking body several years later because it will never be achieved since we think we might be dead before we ever see the results the same for education, a career anything really that is out in the future because to us there might not be one.

Then the years go by and you´re now 18 an adult having accomplished anything, you turn 20 still nothing, 25, 30 etc. I am now 29 still not accomplished anything everyone I knew have several educations and tried many jobs and have achieved good things more and more get children now but I am still stuck doing nothing because it´s hard to plan for a future I thought I never had plus I don´t want to be old so I can never accept this age and the boring "life" that comes with it.

 

[Loooray]

you are suicidal, you want to die so bad but you are also so scared to do it. people and therapists telling you "it gets better" so you hope every year that it would, but it never does. it just gets worse but you tell yourself I lived this long so why not continue to do it maybe things will change? you are too depressed to do anything because you know that ultimately you will die so whats the point of putting any effort into things? so you are stuck in life. never really accomplished anything good or found happiness. you just living but dead inside. between life and death. the longer you force yourself to live.. the harder it's to kill yourself. this is the worst thing for me about being suicidal. I'm stuck between I should do it or I shouldn't do it and also between I wanna actually LIVE/do things and between whats the point if I'm going to die anyways?

It's always because of the survival instinct. You and me want to die, but our bodies don't. We are made so our brains see death as the worst thing that can happen. I wish you all the best I struggle with this problem myself. <3

 

[lament.]

This is so right and exactly how I feel. I convinced myself I was gonna be dead before 18, but here I am, now 19 and with the same thing, being convinced I'll be dead before I'm 20. I hate it so much, I want to kill myself so badly but I'm terrified of so many different things.

 

[Iamtired]

you guys think you'll be dead at 20 but you won't. You'll be dead at 30

 

[Loooray]

This is so right and exactly how I feel. I convinced myself I was gonna be dead before 18, but here I am, now 19 and with the same thing, being convinced I'll be dead before I'm 20. I hate it so much, I want to kill myself so badly but I'm terrified of so many different things.

Do you want to share what are you terrified of? In my case it's failure and permanent damage + fact that parents would probably be very sad about it.

 

[lament.]

Do you want to share what are you terrified of? In my case it's failure and permanent damage + fact that parents would probably be very sad about it.

The pain of doing it, what comes after, failing and yeah, my family.

Honestly as well the thought of being caught doing it by my family or something and what would come after that, cause I know they would mean well but they would definitely try to guilt trip me into not doing it again which is something I really don't want to have to deal with.

 

[carnivalforone]

This is so right and exactly how I feel. I convinced myself I was gonna be dead before 18, but here I am, now 19 and with the same thing, being convinced I'll be dead before I'm 20. I hate it so much, I want to kill myself so badly but I'm terrified of so many different things.

word for word

 

[nozomu]

Right here with you, OP. It's a special form of lingering hell. It's so hard to let go of that crumb of desire for a miracle to come.

 

[jokster18]

I'm suffering daily I love life and want to live just I have a condition that makes me suffer m. The establishment should allow euthanasia and put people down in a humane way rather than let people suffer for years and force them selves to commit suicide. Unfortunately the establishment is healthy and don't understand what it means to suffer for one's whole life. The system is messed up and it should allow for people who are suffering to be put down in humane a humane way.

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

This hit me so hard that it hurts. I don't want to live to 40, but the truth is I probably will. Despite having everything I need to do it, I'm still here with my thumb in my ass. My wife left and my cat is dead, and with nothing left to live for I'm ready. For some reason I just can't go through with it now. After she left I was trying every weekend for a month or so. Tried again and again to hang myself but I just kept stopping.

So after failing to overcome my SI maybe I'm beaten down even more by my inability to actually kill myself. I don't have my love, my cat, or any joy to make me want to stay. Pray every night to just not wake up the next day. The irony is the thought in the back of my head is that I succeeded and am actually in hell right now. That leads me to the thought that living is actually hell and heaven is the release from this forced existence.