Venting This is so hard when you're alone

[4colliez]

Honestly I don't talk to my friends about my struggles with ideation because I don't want to worry anyone. My family prefer to act like my attempts never happened. My bf just hung up on me after getting mad at me over a miscommunication when he was drunk and told me I need to "deal with things myself for once". His phone is off now. If I call the hotline again they'll end up sending someone to my door and I don't want to be forced into a hospital again. I literally have no one to call or talk to lol. My only way to dull these feelings now is alcohol and sh (it's actually helping rn), in a day or two I'll hate myself over all this. I'm trying to not rely on anyone but this feeling of being alone and unlovable surely doesn't help.

Im so exhausted, I get treated like some monster with bad intentions constantly. When I'm just trying my best to be heard. I've been thinking about my method over and over and I hate it... I don't even know if anyone here will hear me, I just wish it was all easy and I didn't have to rely on alcohol and sh

 

[whywere]

1st off, I would not talk with a boy or girl friend who is drunk or high or whatever.

They are NOT in any frame of mind to think clearly at all.

You are NOT a monster and anyone who treats you as such, I would dump them faster than a hot potato, they are not only NOT friends, but they are also just jerks.

I hear you loud and clear. You ARE a good friend and a family member to me here and I am 69, as I mention this because way back when, I would use alcohol as a numbing agent and to cope with life. But as the years rolled on, I learned that alcohol was not a patch BUT actually a negative way to deal, oh, I mean NOT to deal with something, as when I would get sober the darn thing that I drank to get away from was still there and I still had to deal with it and I had the plus of a hangover. NO GOOD!

I have not touched any alcohol for over 20 years and do not miss it one bit.

You are a wonderfully kind and thoughtful person, and it would make me so VERY happy if you would not be so hard on yourself. You have lots of talent and so much to give this world and you also.

Maybe that is one reason that I do not have any friends, because I will NOT EVER let someone bring me down, talk down to me, disrespect me, and also be a narrow-minded, greedy, egotistical person ever.

I have had a long life of life's experiences, and YOU are a giving and loving soul, and your boyfriend should be not only a lot more supportive but take a step back and understand just what a wonderful girlfriend he has. He has hit the jackpot with you,

Lots of well wishes, hugs and lovely sunny skies, as you brighten this site up so much!

Walter

 

[Schlungus]

Don't beat yourself up.

What you're feeling right now is valid but that doesn't mean it's the end.

It's important to be mindful and understand your feelings.

What's even more important is making sure you don't spiral in these next few days which can be really easy to do.

Be mindful. It's okay to not be okay all the time and that's what makes us human.

 

[4colliez]

1st off, I would not talk with a boy or girl friend who is drunk or high or whatever.

They are NOT in any frame of mind to think clearly at all.

You are NOT a monster and anyone who treats you as such, I would dump them faster than a hot potato, they are not only NOT friends, but they are also just jerks.

I hear you loud and clear. You ARE a good friend and a family member to me here and I am 69, as I mention this because way back when, I would use alcohol as a numbing agent and to cope with life. But as the years rolled on, I learned that alcohol was not a patch BUT actually a negative way to deal, oh, I mean NOT to deal with something, as when I would get sober the darn thing that I drank to get away from was still there and I still had to deal with it and I had the plus of a hangover. NO GOOD!

I have not touched any alcohol for over 20 years and do not miss it one bit.

You are a wonderfully kind and thoughtful person, and it would make me so VERY happy if you would not be so hard on yourself. You have lots of talent and so much to give this world and you also.

Maybe that is one reason that I do not have any friends, because I will NOT EVER let someone bring me down, talk down to me, disrespect me, and also be a narrow-minded, greedy, egotistical person ever.

I have had a long life of life's experiences, and YOU are a giving and loving soul, and your boyfriend should be not only a lot more supportive but take a step back and understand just what a wonderful girlfriend he has. He has hit the jackpot with you,

Lots of well wishes, hugs and lovely sunny skies, as you brighten this site up so much!

Walter

Thank you for such a kind reply. It pains me that someone like you finds themselves in such a dark place. This type of message really helps me

I can't say I'm perfect at all, I have done and said some things to him that were very shitty in the past and I know that. He has as well, but we are still here and trying and I know deep down he is a kind soul. It just hurts because I just wanted to spend time with him and I was basically made to feel like shit for it :/ and he said that because he wasn't sober we need to speak about it later, which I understand, but it's not ground for him to say unkind things to me. And Im so tired of him acting like every thing I say or do is malicious because I'm just trying to communicate how I feel. I love him more than anything and I want nothing but things to be good between us

I'm just really tied right now. I'm not someone who drinks a lot AT ALL usually, I'll have a drink during dinner dates and that's it. Only in moments like this where I feel horrible, I'll drink
more glasses than I can remember and I'm really not proud of myself right now. But I know it's dangerous to rely on it this way and I hate it.

Don't beat yourself up.

What you're feeling right now is valid but that doesn't mean it's the end.

It's important to be mindful and understand your feelings.

What's even more important is making sure you don't spiral in these next few days which can be really easy to do.

Be mindful. It's okay to not be okay all the time and that's what makes us human.

With BPD I tend to think any minor inconvenience is the end of the world. I hate it so much because it leads me to harm myself for things that can be solved.

He wants to talk tomorrow,and probably things will be okay, because they always end up okay. I am just so scared of losing the one person who has loved me through all my ups and downs. Right now, I'm too emotional to make any good decision. But the kind words mean a lot, thank you <3