MissionSucksAssFul
Any help I can offer is gladly given :)
- Mar 2, 2023
- 109
I'm so tired (of life) that I would literally (figuratively) use elephant shit for a pillow (of death)...
I don't know... I don't know what I'm doing, or what purpose I serve, or in fact if I am not just another one of the very many hoomans who are directly detrimental to the future of us... I think I can never know because none of those questions actually have answers, so I suppose this makes them rhetorical at best and useless sentences at worst... I suppose I'll never really know anything except suffering. And that's fine! I've known for a long-ass time that pain is how you know you are alive!... But it just seems much too cruel of a joke to have no punchline... plus I've always tried to make it at the very least comfortable, but life was not a fan of that either? So yeah, you're either pain-free or alive... Last couple months I've found numerous new heroes to place on pedestals higher than their own heads: some streamers, YouTubers, and some I've found on this site! But in what felt like a week the enjoyment was poisened once again by my insecurity, and now I can't visit the chatroom without just sitting there staring for a few minutes, worried that I've annoyed all of you just the same as I have my irl friends... I know this is baseless speculation but it's just so strong of a feeling! Plus it finds whatever bs it wants and considers it evidence! Like the fact that chat is a bit slow when I get there, cause I'll think: "Fuck, I just interrupted a great convo with muh bullshit and now these lovely peeps are mad that I'm here..." Even though I found this site specifically to seek like-minded individuals who would never judge so harsh based on stuff I couldn't know... Idunno, it just feels like I've found a home for myself and now I've taken that home and turned it into yet another prison of my life... Why oh why can I never escape this toxic part of me? The part that expects paradise from existence...
I don't know... I don't know what I'm doing, or what purpose I serve, or in fact if I am not just another one of the very many hoomans who are directly detrimental to the future of us... I think I can never know because none of those questions actually have answers, so I suppose this makes them rhetorical at best and useless sentences at worst... I suppose I'll never really know anything except suffering. And that's fine! I've known for a long-ass time that pain is how you know you are alive!... But it just seems much too cruel of a joke to have no punchline... plus I've always tried to make it at the very least comfortable, but life was not a fan of that either? So yeah, you're either pain-free or alive... Last couple months I've found numerous new heroes to place on pedestals higher than their own heads: some streamers, YouTubers, and some I've found on this site! But in what felt like a week the enjoyment was poisened once again by my insecurity, and now I can't visit the chatroom without just sitting there staring for a few minutes, worried that I've annoyed all of you just the same as I have my irl friends... I know this is baseless speculation but it's just so strong of a feeling! Plus it finds whatever bs it wants and considers it evidence! Like the fact that chat is a bit slow when I get there, cause I'll think: "Fuck, I just interrupted a great convo with muh bullshit and now these lovely peeps are mad that I'm here..." Even though I found this site specifically to seek like-minded individuals who would never judge so harsh based on stuff I couldn't know... Idunno, it just feels like I've found a home for myself and now I've taken that home and turned it into yet another prison of my life... Why oh why can I never escape this toxic part of me? The part that expects paradise from existence...
