I love my friends so so much and this happened over a year ago, but I get emotional flashback things possibly or something and venting helps sometimes so I'm doing it here.
So. Where do I even start. I don't have it in me to provide context and stuff, but for the record this is mostly my fault and my friends are all awesome people and just. Even if you disagree with what they said this is primarily my fault and they were emotionally at the end of their rope and maybe I'm just hearing it wrong. Anyway friends called wellness check, police showed up, I talked my way out of the hospital, trust was shattered, relationships haven't really recovered yet except with the one person who I talked it out with and he apologized. Not really important, but that context is bare minimum necessary.
Anyway former best friend who was. I don't know. I can't write out how close we were for multiple reasons right now. Basically I asked if we could talk about what happened a couple months after? Maybe it was a few weeks. I don't know. Just. It was over discord so there's no possible raised voices or anything but I disagreed strongly with the wellness check and how it came about and it broke a promise and stuff. I think things were probably heated on both ends because it's personal to both of us. Just. She said something to the effect of "do you have any idea how invalidating it is when I've tried so hard" or something like that. I'm not gonna check obviously. The invalidating word is the biggest part. That's definitely the word used and just. I was trying. I didn't. I tried so hard. Which has turned out to be part of the problem because it triggers brain stuff way more. Not the point. I just. Still don't know what to think. It wasn't. I've been like this since I was 10. It was never about her. One person can't just. Undo everything. Especially when I'm still living in the environment. It felt like an accusation. Like it's my fault I feel this way. Or like I was supposed to be able to not because she tried and just. She was the first person I ever trusted. Family wasn't great and I was terrified of anything getting back to them so I never trusted anyone else. I had friends, but I was never close to anyone. All of my backup running away fantasies presumed I'd be on my own hiding from everybody until we got close. And I just. I was trying and it felt like an accusation and it's been over a year and I know I'm being stupid and this isn't all the time, but sometimes I just get caught in these loops of reliving it and it hurts, but there's no one I can talk to it about and I miss having people so much. I wish I could clarify why she said it and what she meant but. We still talk regularly but not about head stuff and I'm not comfortable bringing that up and she wouldn't be comfortable with my bringing it up and I don't trust her not to say something that would add to this. Being called lazy and stupid and stuff is a whole thing for me because of family and school stuff so it probably hit particularly hard due to other surrounding issues and I'm making a way bigger thing of it than is justifiable.
Thank you if you actually read all that (I know it's long and disjointed and I mainly needed to vent so I'm not expecting many if any people to). I'm really really glad this forum exists so there's a place I can put this even if no one reads it
So. Where do I even start. I don't have it in me to provide context and stuff, but for the record this is mostly my fault and my friends are all awesome people and just. Even if you disagree with what they said this is primarily my fault and they were emotionally at the end of their rope and maybe I'm just hearing it wrong. Anyway friends called wellness check, police showed up, I talked my way out of the hospital, trust was shattered, relationships haven't really recovered yet except with the one person who I talked it out with and he apologized. Not really important, but that context is bare minimum necessary.
Anyway former best friend who was. I don't know. I can't write out how close we were for multiple reasons right now. Basically I asked if we could talk about what happened a couple months after? Maybe it was a few weeks. I don't know. Just. It was over discord so there's no possible raised voices or anything but I disagreed strongly with the wellness check and how it came about and it broke a promise and stuff. I think things were probably heated on both ends because it's personal to both of us. Just. She said something to the effect of "do you have any idea how invalidating it is when I've tried so hard" or something like that. I'm not gonna check obviously. The invalidating word is the biggest part. That's definitely the word used and just. I was trying. I didn't. I tried so hard. Which has turned out to be part of the problem because it triggers brain stuff way more. Not the point. I just. Still don't know what to think. It wasn't. I've been like this since I was 10. It was never about her. One person can't just. Undo everything. Especially when I'm still living in the environment. It felt like an accusation. Like it's my fault I feel this way. Or like I was supposed to be able to not because she tried and just. She was the first person I ever trusted. Family wasn't great and I was terrified of anything getting back to them so I never trusted anyone else. I had friends, but I was never close to anyone. All of my backup running away fantasies presumed I'd be on my own hiding from everybody until we got close. And I just. I was trying and it felt like an accusation and it's been over a year and I know I'm being stupid and this isn't all the time, but sometimes I just get caught in these loops of reliving it and it hurts, but there's no one I can talk to it about and I miss having people so much. I wish I could clarify why she said it and what she meant but. We still talk regularly but not about head stuff and I'm not comfortable bringing that up and she wouldn't be comfortable with my bringing it up and I don't trust her not to say something that would add to this. Being called lazy and stupid and stuff is a whole thing for me because of family and school stuff so it probably hit particularly hard due to other surrounding issues and I'm making a way bigger thing of it than is justifiable.
Thank you if you actually read all that (I know it's long and disjointed and I mainly needed to vent so I'm not expecting many if any people to). I'm really really glad this forum exists so there's a place I can put this even if no one reads it
