losttagain
Member
- Sep 10, 2024
- 71
I'm so fucking childish. I spend so much time in isolation that I don't even know what's real anymore and I get upset and angry for the most little reason literally if there's no reason I'll make one up just to victimize myself. I always blame others for my misery when I'm well aware that I'm the one creating it and self-destroying myself by isolation cuz I didn't fucking grow up. So I'm afraid of everything and I'm so self destructive and I know if I try to be a normal person again and love and love I'll get trapped again in a "relationship " with the first walking red flag I see cuz I have no self love or respect, but I want to be loved so badly. The worst is really not being able to get up and have a routine I just stare at the walls and these days I messed up my medication and I'm literally feeling crazy like I'm acting like a manic person with tics. I ran out of tobacco and I was just hitting a wall like I respond to things like a 2 year old would. I literally didn't grow up I feel like a fucking child and I will never be able to get better cuz I have to live with my stepmother bc if it wasn't her I wouldn't get out of bed I wouldn't eat I would be put in the hospital. She's literally the only reason I'm alive and she knows it and it must be awful for her to carry that weight. I've been like this for months and I was most of the time since I was 14. I act like a child bc I'm literally being treated like a child because I CANT FUNCTION and then I get mad bc I wanna meet my friends and try, just fucking try to do something if I can't do it alone, and she won't let me cuz she knows I'm not ok. I'm 21 years old. I am acting and being treated like a 3 year old child. And it's a never ending spiral because without her I would be dead but we both can't live like this sometimes i hate myself so much and have so much little strength I can't even get up to take a fucking shower. How am I supposed to be a normal human being if I can't do this? It's like I have a terminal disease and need a nurse to do every task. And that helps me but if things keep being like this I will never grow I will feel like a child forever. Sometimes I wonder why she doesn't send me to the hospital, ofc it wouldn't do anything they would just put me to sleep and give me more meds which I'm already on. So what difference would it make? She's aware so we are both stuck in this awful situation and I wonder if she didn't exist and cared for me of I could function and then I start thinking maybe she's the reason I'm like this but then I'm just spiraling on blaming others for my depression again. It's a never ending spiral and it NEVER STOPS. I can't keep living like this why can't I end it why do I have hope….. last night for the first time in MONTHS I picked up a book (it's Sylvia Plath s the bell jar) and it's so fucking depressive and relatable I think if I keep reading it it will give me more courage to do it. Idk man I have everything planned out WHY can't I do it?? Why can't I fucking grow up and fight for my life but I also can't kill myself cause I have this fucking annoying hope and I wanna crush it with my hands until the blood is running out of it. I'm so tired.
