I am finally ready to admit defeat.
I have always struggled with life ever since I can remember, I got by when I was a child and in my early teens.
But as I got older I just found everything to get worse.
So I started drinking and taking drugs to numb the pain. Nothing crazy heavy just partied alot. It's the only time I'm ever fully relaxed.
I always hoped things would get better so I tried new things. New jobs then new businesses.
Nothings ever got better it always get worse for one reason or another. I used to tell my self that giving up was the only way I could fail. I just think it's not true.
This past year really to me has summed up my life and how I just think the world really is against me.
I met a woman around two years ago, I fell in love on our first date. I knew I wanted to marry her.absolute crazyness! I'm not sure if anyone has ever experienced it but it was a wow moment.
We first started long distance then I moved to be with her after a year. I became quite lonely quite quickly. She had family life to balance and a little boy which I understood but it was hard for me not knowing anyone.
I got made redundant, worked for arseholes just basically shite work. I'd prevoously gone from working for myself and having the luxury of being my own boss.
Her family didn't really like me, I made a bad first impression and it just got worse from there.
Eventually it all got a bit much and I told her I needed to leave I just needed some time. But we ended up breaking it off. The day I went to leave She came over and we spoke.
I told her how I'd been feeling, how i kept waking up and my first thought of the day was I should kill myself. How I just felt quite invisible day to day.
I couldn't tell her about what had happened with her family and the arguments we had because I was so ashamed I felt like I'd ruined this perfect thing we had.
We basically agreed that I would do a job I had away for three weeks and then I would come back and try again. Do it differently, counselling etc.
I then moved back home for a week before this big job. I got to see all my mates and family and it was lovely. I got second thoughts and told her I couldn't go back.
During my trip away she text saying she missed me etc so we got speaking again.
But I realised that I needed to be honest about everything that happened with her family as it made me feel so much pressure as they where all so close.
So I told her everything with the hopes she could help me fix my fuck ups. she was quite upset and then went off to speak to her family eventually. They basically said I made it all up and I am just trying get between them all. Its really not something I would ever do.
At first she didn't believe me and started thinking I had gone insane and it was in my head. So we fell out and you know I felt OK it's easy to move on when you think that person hates you.
Week or so later she text saying how much she misses me, and i obviously feel the same.
We kept talking and trying to figure out a way to sort it. She told me she believed me and that how much she loves me and wants to be with me but in the end she said she couldn't fall out with her family as she was certain they wouldn't like it.
I do understand her reasons it just hurts alot.
I just feel like this sums up our fucked up world we have. It's cruel unfair and really is twisted. No matter what I do it always end in tears and my thoughts are back to fucking top your self this shit ain't getting any better.
I've been planning on ending it, would love to od on heroin and float off but from what I've read it's not very reliable. So think I'll go for partial hanging.
Feel free to leave any insights into my tragic life story.
I have always struggled with life ever since I can remember, I got by when I was a child and in my early teens.
But as I got older I just found everything to get worse.
So I started drinking and taking drugs to numb the pain. Nothing crazy heavy just partied alot. It's the only time I'm ever fully relaxed.
I always hoped things would get better so I tried new things. New jobs then new businesses.
Nothings ever got better it always get worse for one reason or another. I used to tell my self that giving up was the only way I could fail. I just think it's not true.
This past year really to me has summed up my life and how I just think the world really is against me.
I met a woman around two years ago, I fell in love on our first date. I knew I wanted to marry her.absolute crazyness! I'm not sure if anyone has ever experienced it but it was a wow moment.
We first started long distance then I moved to be with her after a year. I became quite lonely quite quickly. She had family life to balance and a little boy which I understood but it was hard for me not knowing anyone.
I got made redundant, worked for arseholes just basically shite work. I'd prevoously gone from working for myself and having the luxury of being my own boss.
Her family didn't really like me, I made a bad first impression and it just got worse from there.
Eventually it all got a bit much and I told her I needed to leave I just needed some time. But we ended up breaking it off. The day I went to leave She came over and we spoke.
I told her how I'd been feeling, how i kept waking up and my first thought of the day was I should kill myself. How I just felt quite invisible day to day.
I couldn't tell her about what had happened with her family and the arguments we had because I was so ashamed I felt like I'd ruined this perfect thing we had.
We basically agreed that I would do a job I had away for three weeks and then I would come back and try again. Do it differently, counselling etc.
I then moved back home for a week before this big job. I got to see all my mates and family and it was lovely. I got second thoughts and told her I couldn't go back.
During my trip away she text saying she missed me etc so we got speaking again.
But I realised that I needed to be honest about everything that happened with her family as it made me feel so much pressure as they where all so close.
So I told her everything with the hopes she could help me fix my fuck ups. she was quite upset and then went off to speak to her family eventually. They basically said I made it all up and I am just trying get between them all. Its really not something I would ever do.
At first she didn't believe me and started thinking I had gone insane and it was in my head. So we fell out and you know I felt OK it's easy to move on when you think that person hates you.
Week or so later she text saying how much she misses me, and i obviously feel the same.
We kept talking and trying to figure out a way to sort it. She told me she believed me and that how much she loves me and wants to be with me but in the end she said she couldn't fall out with her family as she was certain they wouldn't like it.
I do understand her reasons it just hurts alot.
I just feel like this sums up our fucked up world we have. It's cruel unfair and really is twisted. No matter what I do it always end in tears and my thoughts are back to fucking top your self this shit ain't getting any better.
I've been planning on ending it, would love to od on heroin and float off but from what I've read it's not very reliable. So think I'll go for partial hanging.
Feel free to leave any insights into my tragic life story.
