Fl4u
Student
- Oct 13, 2022
- 149
So it seems it's now my time to create one of these threads. I am not sure what to write, but I guess I will write something...
This is both weird and funny, because yesterday I literally daydreamed of writing this thread and the words just came to me in an instant and I had it all written out perfectly in my head, but now I'm struggling for words. Maybe there is no need for more text. It's now almost midnight, and I'm waiting for my brother and his girlfriend to fall asleep.
Why am I doing this... Well, I have failed at life. I always struggled to make friends. I went to four different schools in my life, but I never really made friends. Or well... there was this one person in elementary school when I was like 6-7, but then we moved far away and I lost contact to Luca. I finished elementary school three hundred kilometres away, and in this school I did not have friends and there were also periods of bullying, but there was someone else in class who was also bullied, Leonie, who had it a lot worse, with physical bullying, so I'm not really counting my time at elementary school as being particularly bad. Then, secondary school, everyone else in class knew each other from elementary, but I somehow managed to make a friend on day one, Ben. Not sure how. He just asked me. I first thought he was making fun of me so I hesitated, but we were friends for like a year, then he switched schools and I was left with no friend. It was okay-ish. Mostly everyone just left me alone.
Then I had to switch schools again, and well... it was hell... there are lot of mostly embarassing moments I wish I could forget. First I tried my strategy from previous schools, that is spending breaks in the toilet room so you get left alone / don't get made fun of, but a teacher quickly noticed (as we were all forced outside during breaks and the outside campus was really small compared to my previous school) and then that ended. Anyway... eventually I couldn't stand it anymore, and left school at age 15 without a highschool diploma or any other certificate of education.
And then I pretty much spent the past years locked away in my room from the outside world. There is a lot more that happened in between, obviously, but I think I won't go much into that. We moved, again, my mother married again, and I was eventually kicked out and am living with my brother now.
Well, I'm 19 now, and no step farther. I don't think life is for me.
There is so much that happened in between I'm leaving out because I want to keep this post somewhat short, so know that what I've written above is by far not the only reason I ended up here now. But also, even if my above problems were solved, I just cannot see myself ever living a life worth living. I feel like I'm lacking every key moment everyone else had in their life that made them a functional part of society. I can't get out to buy groceries without feeling like everyone's looking at me like I'm from another world.
I can't see myself continuing to age, continuing to decay.
It's time to finally act. I would be lying if I were saying I'm not afraid of what happens now. I'm trying to think of this as something that will happen to everyone else too, just at later points in their lifes. I'm just deciding to skip through life like one would skip through a bad movie. It's time.
I'm sorry, Nicolas & Francesca. If I could have done this outside, I would have done just that.
Flau, I'm sorry, I'm following you now.
I have a window open. It's somewhat cool now outside. It rained earlier. I'm clicking "Post thread" now, then taking Ibuprofen, valerian drops (better than nothing, huh?) and Vomex, (OTC AE I hope will do). I'll wait another 30 minutes or so, write my letter to my family, then prepare my SN drink. My devices I did reset and I prepared a usb stick with a bunch of pics, with a bunch of memories from when things were better for them to... keep I guess.
This is both weird and funny, because yesterday I literally daydreamed of writing this thread and the words just came to me in an instant and I had it all written out perfectly in my head, but now I'm struggling for words. Maybe there is no need for more text. It's now almost midnight, and I'm waiting for my brother and his girlfriend to fall asleep.
Why am I doing this... Well, I have failed at life. I always struggled to make friends. I went to four different schools in my life, but I never really made friends. Or well... there was this one person in elementary school when I was like 6-7, but then we moved far away and I lost contact to Luca. I finished elementary school three hundred kilometres away, and in this school I did not have friends and there were also periods of bullying, but there was someone else in class who was also bullied, Leonie, who had it a lot worse, with physical bullying, so I'm not really counting my time at elementary school as being particularly bad. Then, secondary school, everyone else in class knew each other from elementary, but I somehow managed to make a friend on day one, Ben. Not sure how. He just asked me. I first thought he was making fun of me so I hesitated, but we were friends for like a year, then he switched schools and I was left with no friend. It was okay-ish. Mostly everyone just left me alone.
Then I had to switch schools again, and well... it was hell... there are lot of mostly embarassing moments I wish I could forget. First I tried my strategy from previous schools, that is spending breaks in the toilet room so you get left alone / don't get made fun of, but a teacher quickly noticed (as we were all forced outside during breaks and the outside campus was really small compared to my previous school) and then that ended. Anyway... eventually I couldn't stand it anymore, and left school at age 15 without a highschool diploma or any other certificate of education.
And then I pretty much spent the past years locked away in my room from the outside world. There is a lot more that happened in between, obviously, but I think I won't go much into that. We moved, again, my mother married again, and I was eventually kicked out and am living with my brother now.
Well, I'm 19 now, and no step farther. I don't think life is for me.
There is so much that happened in between I'm leaving out because I want to keep this post somewhat short, so know that what I've written above is by far not the only reason I ended up here now. But also, even if my above problems were solved, I just cannot see myself ever living a life worth living. I feel like I'm lacking every key moment everyone else had in their life that made them a functional part of society. I can't get out to buy groceries without feeling like everyone's looking at me like I'm from another world.
I can't see myself continuing to age, continuing to decay.
It's time to finally act. I would be lying if I were saying I'm not afraid of what happens now. I'm trying to think of this as something that will happen to everyone else too, just at later points in their lifes. I'm just deciding to skip through life like one would skip through a bad movie. It's time.
I'm sorry, Nicolas & Francesca. If I could have done this outside, I would have done just that.
Flau, I'm sorry, I'm following you now.
I have a window open. It's somewhat cool now outside. It rained earlier. I'm clicking "Post thread" now, then taking Ibuprofen, valerian drops (better than nothing, huh?) and Vomex, (OTC AE I hope will do). I'll wait another 30 minutes or so, write my letter to my family, then prepare my SN drink. My devices I did reset and I prepared a usb stick with a bunch of pics, with a bunch of memories from when things were better for them to... keep I guess.
Last edited by a moderator:
