Venting This has to be one of the most fucked up coincidences.

[Circles]

I just want to vent cause I got nothing better else to do besides constantly dwell on this as I'm tired of how fucked up the grief is mentally fucking with me. I received my SN around January 21-23 I forgot which day cause of the fucked up event that happened days later. My beloved dog, Angel, passed away January 24 on a Friday night It was just so fucking random that it honestly makes me believe she died because I wanted the SN.

I cursed her all because I wanted to die. Is that really what I get for simply wanting to die? Did god or something else just didn't like that I had some small control finally and took something away from me out of spite? I just don't know but goddamn god goddamn fucking everything. It's like when I finally get something I want for once, something gets taken away from me like what in the goddamn fuck man. I'm still in complete shock about how it all went especially since I didn't even get to say goodbye or tell her I love her.

And you know what's the most fucked up thing about it is that I was somewhat planning on killing myself around then but I don't think I would've followed through with it anyway. I simply wanted the SN just to have a reliable method at hand where I can go at anytime maybe years down the line if I'm even able to, but nope now I feel like if I don't take the SN her death just becomes even more pointless. She may have died cause of kidney failure or whatever the fuck else that was happening, but I firmly believe I lost my best friend mostly because of my suicidal bullshit. Holy shit I'm so fucking mad just WOW. As you can tell I'm still distraught over this I don't think I can ever accept that she's really gone. The grief over her has become yet another reason I just want my fucked up existence to fucking end.

 

[Irrelevant biologist]

I am so so sorry. Animals are our best friends. Big hugs.

 

[Shinbu]

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[Circles]

I wish I could cry without end over this and I have lately, but it's not helping nothing is helping so what's the fucking point. It's not going to take away the pain, the guilt, the grief, the rage, the heartache or anything. I hate how people say it gets easier with time. Like wtf no it fucking doesn't if anything it makes me more fucking mad that I couldn't do anything I was so caught up with my own mental bullshit to notice. I was such a pathetic pet parent, I should've been there with her till the end.

I remember during that night my brother said in a sad tone, "it's part of life" and I said back "just because it's part of life doesn't make it alright."
Just because death is part of life doesn't fucking make anything about it alright.

It doesn't lessen the pain of losing one of the only living beings that cared about me and I didn't even show her enough of the same affection. When I should've spent more time with her before she died, I spent too much time on here trying to 'care' for complete strangers who I'll never fucking actually know, or meet, or them caring enough about me as I tried caring for them. And some of you wonder why I've pushed away whatever 'friends' I have left on here or why I've been trying to distance myself from this cursed site is all because of this. I'm not blaming the people here, but I blame myself for being too involved like a gullible fucking idiot. Can't anyone fucking understand? I guess fucking not.

FUCK EVERYTHING.

 

[Shinbu]

Bump.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

@Circles I remember when all of this went down and you took a leave of absence. Alot of people here were generally concerned about you and thought you'd done something to harm yourself.

I'm glad you're okay but I'm terribly sorry for what you've been going through. I know it's not much consolation but I'm always here for ya brother if you ever need to talk or vent. My deepest of condolences and much love to you

 

[K-O]

mate i don't know you but i do understand..
i will share a little secret of mine from my childhood-
one evening i was watering the garden, i loved being out side cause my house was a terrorizing horror space..
all of a sudden i notice a movement between the flowers and thought at first that it was a frog so i got closer and discovered it was a baby bird that fell from its nest so i took him in and raised him and he was my best friend! a cheeky Bulbul that hopped after me wherever i went and then used to fly and sit on my head and shoulders, i would wake up and he would be there looking at me on my pillow.. he lived with me free in my room.. i felt so much better now that i had a companion with me in that horrible place.. we were so in love..
a couple of months later i was asleep and suddenly in the middle of the night i felt something was wrong so i opened my eyes and immediately got up and saw he was lying stiff in the middle of the bed..
he flew next to me in the night and i rolled over him and suffocated him under me..
i killed my best friend..
the end

 

[Circles]

I'm just so sorry for my behavior, I miss her so much the grief is making me into such a very bitter toxic person.

 

[K-O]

I'm just so sorry for my behavior, I miss her so much the grief is making me into such a very bitter toxic person.

dont be sorry.. we all get passes here! its THE place to be a lovely toxic fuck up!
and you'r right-FUCK EVERYTHING!

 

[TooConscious]

I am so sorry but what you shared is eternal if you wish it to be.
There are 'coincidences' everywhere, synchronicities to prove to us that something is going on regarding an influence or governing of our being whether that be "as above so below".