I've been suicidal since I was 12 or so, but this year has been the worst it's ever been.
I've been isolating myself pretty much the whole year, and I've only been outside my house a few times since February because I just can't handle doing anything anymore. During the winter it was alright, but now that it's spring It's gotten so bad that any reminder of me being alive makes me so angry. Looking outside makes me so upset, seeing how the world is turning green again and the birds are chirping makes me mad, it's just a reminder of how disconnected and horrible I feel about myself compared to how beautiful it is outside. I'm resentful of the time I'm actively wasteing but I can't do anything else.
When it wasn't so bad I remember being into mindfulness and taking time to be present with the outside world and body to feel better, but now anything that's a reminder that I'm alive feels like a stinging pain in the gut.
I wish the world was ugly so at least it would match how I feel about everything. I wish I were in a place void of anything, like a big blank room with no sounds or bad memories. Maybe that's why I like sleeping so much so I don't have to be reminded. I think outside is also a reminder of how fast everything is moving and how I can't move past anything ever. I want everything to stop but the world doesn't stop moving. It's gotten so bad that I just stay inside my room all day and try to ignore everything outside. I used to like nature and being outside, but now I've shut my blinds to avoid everything. It's gotten so bad that my brain and body physically hurt from how much I want to die. I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown every second and I'm just so tired of everything. I don't want to try anymore.
I've been isolating myself pretty much the whole year, and I've only been outside my house a few times since February because I just can't handle doing anything anymore. During the winter it was alright, but now that it's spring It's gotten so bad that any reminder of me being alive makes me so angry. Looking outside makes me so upset, seeing how the world is turning green again and the birds are chirping makes me mad, it's just a reminder of how disconnected and horrible I feel about myself compared to how beautiful it is outside. I'm resentful of the time I'm actively wasteing but I can't do anything else.
When it wasn't so bad I remember being into mindfulness and taking time to be present with the outside world and body to feel better, but now anything that's a reminder that I'm alive feels like a stinging pain in the gut.
I wish the world was ugly so at least it would match how I feel about everything. I wish I were in a place void of anything, like a big blank room with no sounds or bad memories. Maybe that's why I like sleeping so much so I don't have to be reminded. I think outside is also a reminder of how fast everything is moving and how I can't move past anything ever. I want everything to stop but the world doesn't stop moving. It's gotten so bad that I just stay inside my room all day and try to ignore everything outside. I used to like nature and being outside, but now I've shut my blinds to avoid everything. It's gotten so bad that my brain and body physically hurt from how much I want to die. I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown every second and I'm just so tired of everything. I don't want to try anymore.
