I've been through a lot of depressions throughout the last 13 years. And none of them have been particularly pleasant, obviously. But this one is definitely different than all the other ones.
You see, with every previous depression I was in a bad place and feeling kind of hopeless. But I could always think of something that would turn things around. Often I didn't feel like that thing would happen. And I didn't believe in it. But I could think of some hypothetical future scenario where I might be alright again.
A lot of the time that was some variation of finding someone who loves me and whom I love in return. Being able to go back to school or later finding work that I love. Being able to write and then publish my first novel. Being able to conquer my social and failure anxiety.
There was always stuff that I might think was unlikely but I knew it was at least theoretically possible that I could get there. I could picture it in my head. And I had this idea that it might be unlikely but that I'd actually get better "if only this happened next month."
This time around though... I don't have that anymore. It's not just that I can picture a scenario where I get better but I don't believe I can get there. It's that I cannot even picture a hypothetical scenario where I might be better anymore.
For example I used to think if I won 10 million dollars or something that this would be enough to give me the breathing space to write, the ability to move out of my abusive parents' house, etc. And then I'd be able to feel at least somewhat better. Pick my life back up again and have hope. But nowadays I think even if I won 10 million dollars tomorrow it wouldn't change anything. It would make my situation less awful, of course. But I don't think it would change my decision. I would still want to CTB.
There's nothing, I think, anyone could say or do that would make things better. There's nothing that could happen or change in my life that would make it better again with the exception of my previous girlfriend telling me she loves me and starting our relationship again. That'd be the one thing that could make things alright enough again that I'd want to try. That I'd have at least some reason to try to survive or try to build a future. And I don't think there's anything I can do to make that happen. Aside from that... there's nothing. Just nothing.
If I won 10 million dollars tomorrow I'd want to CTB. If I could become a professional writer tomorrow I'd want to CTB. If I found a fantastic job that fit me perfectly tomorrow I'd want to CTB. If I found a different woman who loved me tomorrow I'd want to CTB. If I managed to beat my social anxiety and failure anxiety tomorrow I'd want to CTB. If I never had to see my parents again starting tomorrow I'd want to CTB.
I used to think a lot about "I hope I can somehow do this, even though I don't think I can." But I don't think that anymore this time. I just think I hope I have the courage to end it soon. And I know it'll be hard, but I know it's the right thing. And I hope I can do it.
You see, with every previous depression I was in a bad place and feeling kind of hopeless. But I could always think of something that would turn things around. Often I didn't feel like that thing would happen. And I didn't believe in it. But I could think of some hypothetical future scenario where I might be alright again.
A lot of the time that was some variation of finding someone who loves me and whom I love in return. Being able to go back to school or later finding work that I love. Being able to write and then publish my first novel. Being able to conquer my social and failure anxiety.
There was always stuff that I might think was unlikely but I knew it was at least theoretically possible that I could get there. I could picture it in my head. And I had this idea that it might be unlikely but that I'd actually get better "if only this happened next month."
This time around though... I don't have that anymore. It's not just that I can picture a scenario where I get better but I don't believe I can get there. It's that I cannot even picture a hypothetical scenario where I might be better anymore.
For example I used to think if I won 10 million dollars or something that this would be enough to give me the breathing space to write, the ability to move out of my abusive parents' house, etc. And then I'd be able to feel at least somewhat better. Pick my life back up again and have hope. But nowadays I think even if I won 10 million dollars tomorrow it wouldn't change anything. It would make my situation less awful, of course. But I don't think it would change my decision. I would still want to CTB.
There's nothing, I think, anyone could say or do that would make things better. There's nothing that could happen or change in my life that would make it better again with the exception of my previous girlfriend telling me she loves me and starting our relationship again. That'd be the one thing that could make things alright enough again that I'd want to try. That I'd have at least some reason to try to survive or try to build a future. And I don't think there's anything I can do to make that happen. Aside from that... there's nothing. Just nothing.
If I won 10 million dollars tomorrow I'd want to CTB. If I could become a professional writer tomorrow I'd want to CTB. If I found a fantastic job that fit me perfectly tomorrow I'd want to CTB. If I found a different woman who loved me tomorrow I'd want to CTB. If I managed to beat my social anxiety and failure anxiety tomorrow I'd want to CTB. If I never had to see my parents again starting tomorrow I'd want to CTB.
I used to think a lot about "I hope I can somehow do this, even though I don't think I can." But I don't think that anymore this time. I just think I hope I have the courage to end it soon. And I know it'll be hard, but I know it's the right thing. And I hope I can do it.
Last edited:
