Discussion Thinking Out Loud

[PinballWizard39]

I'm really close to acting on my CTB plans. I have everything sorted, ready to go. But I'm not quite 'there' yet. Mentally it's agony at this 'shall I, shan't I?' point. I just need to make the decision. I have nothing keeping me here, it's just the damn SI.
Is it bad to say I feel like ringing the crisis team and telling them how bad I feel because I know they'll talk to me like shit and it'll likely give me the push I need?

I'm only thinking out loud here, I just need to decide one way or another. Ambivalence is always an issue with me, purely because I really want to be ok, but at the same time, years of living my life like this has shown me that anything different to this is highly unlikely at this point. I need what I call a 'fuck it' moment, where I get driven so mad from my ambivalence, I just do it.

 

[dolemitedrums]

Do what's right for you but nothing wrong with deciding to live instead.

 

[PinballWizard39]

I'm struggling to find anything to live for. Mostly I'm just tired of trying to keep going when there is no pay off for my efforts.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I don't have any real proof of it, but it has been discussed in this forum many times previously, that usually, it seems anyway, when someone acts "impulsively" during a "fuck it" moment, that things don't always go so well. In other words you're more likely to make mistakes with your ctb method that, either, causes only failure, or,somehow, leaves you all fucked up, but still alive, in a myriad of bad ways - think paralyzed, vegetative state, organ damage, burns, etc. Just something to think about.

 

[PinballWizard39]

I don't have any real proof of it, but it has been discussed in this forum many times previously, that usually, it seems anyway, when someone acts "impulsively" during a "fuck it" moment, that things don't always go so well. In other words you're more likely to make mistakes with your ctb method that, either, causes only failure, or,somehow, leaves you all fucked up, but still alive, in a myriad of bad ways - think paralyzed, vegetative state, organ damage, burns, etc. Just something to think about.

Yeah, I can understand that. I've found myself starting to act on it in some ways. My method is SN and I have everything I need to do it. I've started taking meto (I have a load from when I had a concussion a couple years ago) and reducing my food intake etc, just in case of a fuck it moment. I have benzos, painkillers, antacids and sleeping pills even. I've written letters stating all the people to contact in the event of my death. My bank details and what I want for my funeral. Passwords for my laptop, phone and online banking. I live alone, it wouldn't take any effort to not be found. I just need, and really want, that final push. SI is a bastard and it says a lot that the people most likely to push me over the line (the crisis people)are the very people who are supposed to try prevent it. Or even my Dad actually. Maybe I should call him and let him do what he usually does and make me feel like I matter as much as a pile of shit on the floor. I really don't want people to make me feel better at this point.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

It truly does sound like you have everything worked out. I don't think that it can never work out when acting impulsively, it's just the likelihood of screwing something up increases. Getting stressed-out counts, too. If you get all upset talking with your "crisis people", or your dad, it could have an impact on what's happening in your "gut", which *may* affect how your SN protocol works. But, if you have everything in order like you do, you may end up just fine when you get that final "nudge" that puts you over the top.

 

[PinballWizard39]

It truly does sound like you have everything worked out. I don't think that it can never work out when acting impulsively, it's just the likelihood of screwing something up increases. Getting stressed-out counts, too. If you get all upset talking with your "crisis people", or your dad, it could have an impact on what's happening in your "gut", which *may* affect how your SN protocol works. But, if you have everything in order like you do, you may end up just fine when you get that final "nudge" that puts you over the top.

I mean, I talk about maybe talking to the crisis team or my Dad but I doubt I will. I'm currently trying to decide on whether I do it in the day time or night, neither leaves me any more of less open to being found. My life is pretty pathetic!

 

[Jeav]

You are loved, no matter how you are, as a part of god experiencing duality you are loved with unconditionnal love. I hope you find inner peace, the world made you believe that you are a worthless wretch but in reality you are much better than what others think, you just don't realise it, if you decide to cbt don't blame yourself, don't be rude to yourself, and if you decide to survive this jungle don't blame yourself and learn to love yourself, with love <3 <3

 

[PinballWizard39]

You are loved, no matter how you are, as a part of god experiencing duality you are loved with unconditionnal love. I hope you find inner peace, the world made you believe that you are a worthless wretch but in reality you are much better than what others think, you just don't realise it, if you decide to cbt don't blame yourself, don't be rude to yourself, and if you decide to survive this jungle don't blame yourself and learn to love yourself, with love <3 <3

I think some of that is true. I keep thinking that I can't choose the 'survive' option even if I wanted to, for a few reasons. Mostly it's because I struggle to find the point because my depression and CPTSD means that I end up in this place regularly and I just can't keep doing it. That's all that keeps going through my head. I'm exhausted from always fighting. Then you have the trauma from the mental health team. God forbid you suffer from chronic suicidal thoughts/ideation. Although I have acted on my thoughts many times before, mostly I don't, so then I am viewed as the woman who cried wolf if I try to get help for it and don't act on it. I don't get taken seriously anyway, hence how they're likely to push me over.

I am open to help, there just isn't any and as a result, my hope is pretty much nil.