openBottomJeans
won’t see what might’ve been…
- Jul 4, 2025
- 127
The time was 11pm, maybe 1am. I snuck out of the house and toook off in the truck.
I drove for about 4 hours. Found a good lake and parked the truck. Leaving my keys, and phone in the vehicle. I walked about halfway around the lake.. trudging through trees and thorns, mud, spider webs..
I smoked my last cigarette and walked in. As soon as the water got up to my neck.. SI really kicked into gear
"There's still time to save ourselves"
"You have a family that will support you"
"You are not at the end of your journey"
"There's more out there that you will miss"
I ended up giving into SI and climbing out.
When I got to my truck I stripped down to nothing but my underwear , got in, and drove home. When I got home , surprisingly, my sister was awake. She asked me where my clothes went. I said I got caught out in the rain.
She didn't question it so I went to bed.
After a couple of weeks had passed I couldn't bare the guilt any longer. I don't think she believed my story any way. I told her the truth and it was probably the worst decision, apart from backing out from CTB.
so now, I sit here, years later, hoping that since I was able to damn near fully emerge myself .. that I can do it again.
This time, I've made sure to back myself into a corner so tight the only thing my SI can say is
"You can live with your father. You can be jobless and have no vehicle. You can pay to live with your mental health."
that, in and of itself, it's more reason to say bye
I drove for about 4 hours. Found a good lake and parked the truck. Leaving my keys, and phone in the vehicle. I walked about halfway around the lake.. trudging through trees and thorns, mud, spider webs..
I smoked my last cigarette and walked in. As soon as the water got up to my neck.. SI really kicked into gear
"There's still time to save ourselves"
"You have a family that will support you"
"You are not at the end of your journey"
"There's more out there that you will miss"
I ended up giving into SI and climbing out.
When I got to my truck I stripped down to nothing but my underwear , got in, and drove home. When I got home , surprisingly, my sister was awake. She asked me where my clothes went. I said I got caught out in the rain.
She didn't question it so I went to bed.
After a couple of weeks had passed I couldn't bare the guilt any longer. I don't think she believed my story any way. I told her the truth and it was probably the worst decision, apart from backing out from CTB.
so now, I sit here, years later, hoping that since I was able to damn near fully emerge myself .. that I can do it again.
This time, I've made sure to back myself into a corner so tight the only thing my SI can say is
"You can live with your father. You can be jobless and have no vehicle. You can pay to live with your mental health."
that, in and of itself, it's more reason to say bye
