Venting Thinking about suicide

[brokensea]

I have attempted a few times cutting and one time drove out to jump off some high cliffs but by the time I got there it was getting dark. Was worried I would jump wrong and be out there for days before I died.

Reading through the site I've felt impulsive on my attempts. Emotional. Overwhelmed. Wanting the pain to end.

But I think reading some of the methods here likely to work. There are so many reasons I want to die but I had a thought that maybe I should really think this through and die with a clear mind. Actually make a decision not just do it in those moments I'm in agony and over the edge.

Really think is there nothing here anymore and any reason and any outcome I would ever want to live for.

Is it worth going through agonizing pain in order to die? Have I spent the time to tie up loose ends. Do I want to write letters? Do any last things?

I am thinking more to die to really be clear and make a decision and come to terms with it. It's my life and my choice and if I decide to do it I don't want any regrets.

I've wanted to die for a long time. I hardly get out of bed or see anyone for two years now. When I actually have to stand up to do anything I feel dizzy. The things I wanted in my life that would have gave my life meaning aren't possible anymore. The reason and hope I carried on for in this life is gone.

Every person I've ever loved has betrayed me, left, used me, abused me. I don't know that anyone has ever loved me. I've become almost violent in grief. I want to take revenge on the person who did this last thing to me and betrayed me so many times. I have enough info on them to ruin their life if shared with others but then I don't know if I should go out being the better person and just die.

I just realized being here on the site that I just more want to die as a complete and full decision. I want it to be a choice not a choice just out of pain alone. So I am just weighing everything and my future which is truly empty and bleak and always will be. I know that. My life has been nothing but pain even before what happened but now any future I wanted is gone as well. Is there anything here I could ever want to live for? I don't think there is but at least I am taking the time to really think about it. I do just want to be free and not exist. It's such a personal decision and it is good to have a place here that doesn't guilt you into living or give empty platitudes of why you should.

There are so many people in pain like I am in this world that have no options and have been hurt by the people who loved them. That have lost everything that mattered. They have suffered for years. There's so many of us. No one asked to be here and go through all of this. In this life and existence in this world. We all have our own reasons for not wanting to be here. This site has a lot of bad press but I'm glad I found it when I had nowhere else to go.

 

[Jrmull1993]

I'm glad I've found this site too. Sorry to hear about your pains, I hope whatever route you go down your successful either way.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel very similarly to you. I have had suicidal ideation for 32 years but it is just making more and more sense recently. Like- it isn't just a reaction to being sad anymore- it's a logical thing to do because I simply don't want to live anymore. I don't want to try and make things better, there's nothing I particularly wish for than an end to it all.

I sort of feel/hope that making plans will make the attempt more likely to succeed and hopefully less painful. I have known someone who took a bunch of pills on impulse and it didn't work- amazingly, they didn't ruin their major organs either. Not to say that impulsive suicides never succeed but it feels like a planned approach is more likely to.

I really need to start making proper preparations- will, funeral plans, note. I haven't actually settled on a method even. Most likely SN but I need to get it and that frightens me. I think people on here have said that preparing everything made them feel calmer.

I wish you well fellow sufferer. I hope we can all find peace soon.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is such a cruel existence and it does feel as though it's impossible to escape from suffering in a life like this. There is nothing here for me in this world as well and non existence is all that I want. It's sad how so many of us have to endure such pain. I hope that you find relief from what you are going through as none of us should ever have to suffer.

 

[brokensea]

Thank you Funeralcry.

 

[lionetta12]

I have attempted a few times cutting and one time drove out to jump off some high cliffs but by the time I got there it was getting dark. Was worried I would jump wrong and be out there for days before I died.

Reading through the site I've felt impulsive on my attempts. Emotional. Overwhelmed. Wanting the pain to end.

But I think reading some of the methods here likely to work. There are so many reasons I want to die but I had a thought that maybe I should really think this through and die with a clear mind. Actually make a decision not just do it in those moments I'm in agony and over the edge.

Really think is there nothing here anymore and any reason and any outcome I would ever want to live for.

Is it worth going through agonizing pain in order to die? Have I spent the time to tie up loose ends. Do I want to write letters? Do any last things?

I am thinking more to die to really be clear and make a decision and come to terms with it. It's my life and my choice and if I decide to do it I don't want any regrets.

I've wanted to die for a long time. I hardly get out of bed or see anyone for two years now. When I actually have to stand up to do anything I feel dizzy. The things I wanted in my life that would have gave my life meaning aren't possible anymore. The reason and hope I carried on for in this life is gone.

Every person I've ever loved has betrayed me, left, used me, abused me. I don't know that anyone has ever loved me. I've become almost violent in grief. I want to take revenge on the person who did this last thing to me and betrayed me so many times. I have enough info on them to ruin their life if shared with others but then I don't know if I should go out being the better person and just die.

I just realized being here on the site that I just more want to die as a complete and full decision. I want it to be a choice not a choice just out of pain alone. So I am just weighing everything and my future which is truly empty and bleak and always will be. I know that. My life has been nothing but pain even before what happened but now any future I wanted is gone as well. Is there anything here I could ever want to live for? I don't think there is but at least I am taking the time to really think about it. I do just want to be free and not exist. It's such a personal decision and it is good to have a place here that doesn't guilt you into living or give empty platitudes of why you should.

There are so many people in pain like I am in this world that have no options and have been hurt by the people who loved them. That have lost everything that mattered. They have suffered for years. There's so many of us. No one asked to be here and go through all of this. In this life and existence in this world. We all have our own reasons for not wanting to be here. This site has a lot of bad press but I'm glad I found it when I had nowhere else to go.

Its a good idea to think about it all for a bit and if you end up wanting to still CTB, start the attempt while you are as clear headed as possible. While this is difficult to avoid sometimes due to extreme sadness and desperation, if you do it out of impulsiveness that can increase the risk of the attempts failing, something going wrong or forgetting important steps even, which could end up making you suffer more than you already do.

 

[brokensea]

I feel very similarly to you. I have had suicidal ideation for 32 years but it is just making more and more sense recently. Like- it isn't just a reaction to being sad anymore- it's a logical thing to do because I simply don't want to live anymore. I don't want to try and make things better, there's nothing I particularly wish for than an end to it all.

I sort of feel/hope that making plans will make the attempt more likely to succeed and hopefully less painful. I have known someone who took a bunch of pills on impulse and it didn't work- amazingly, they didn't ruin their major organs either. Not to say that impulsive suicides never succeed but it feels like a planned approach is more likely to.

I really need to start making proper preparations- will, funeral plans, note. I haven't actually settled on a method even. Most likely SN but I need to get it and that frightens me. I think people on here have said that preparing everything made them feel calmer.

I wish you well fellow sufferer. I hope we can all find peace soon.

Yeah I almost in some way regret living as long as I did and suffered so much and didn't do it sooner. I kept hoping for a happy ending only to realize there isn't one. Now instead of just emotional pain and impulse I finally feel calm like let's think this through and come up with a plan I won't come back from.

I am worried about doing something wrong and ending up in some horrible physical state. I think that's why impulsively doing it before could lead to not thinking and having that happen or maybe even in my last moments regretting. I think you're right in that I need to decide this in a logical way. However long I need to really think about it. I don't want to have regrets. I know what I'm looking at and dealing with and others will be affected whether I think they actually care or not. So it's a lot to mull over. But I am feeling in pain but more calm and logical about it all. I don't think I want to spend the rest of my life never having what I wanted - a family - and being alone and in pain.

My horrible ex partner abandoned me and left me during the last good year I could have a child at my age. Everything looked good and a family was always my dream and it was utterly destroyed by this heartless monster who did so much to me. Now there is no future for me anymore. Nothing to live for. I always thought I'd have a family someday and be loved and normal but it was all taken from me by someone who lied to me about everything.

Its a good idea to think about it all for a bit and if you end up wanting to still CTB, start the attempt while you are as clear headed as possible. While this is difficult to avoid sometimes due to extreme sadness and desperation, if you do it out of impulsiveness that can increase the risk of the attempts failing, something going wrong or forgetting important steps even, which could end up making you suffer more than you already do.

This is so true. I want to as much as possible really embrace and accept my decision. I'm really thinking about this differently than I ever have before. I feel that I could decide this with a clear mind taking everything into consideration and leave with at least as few regrets as possible and having the focus to do what you need to do with a clear mind is so important.

 

[joeythinks]

Everyone's circumstances are different, but I think feelings of loneliness and of being betrayed are things a lot of people here will identify with. I definitively do. This place, being surrounded by like-minded people who are knowledgeable, has helped me: I know I'm not alone in how I feel and if I want, there are ways out. I'm glad we all found SS.

It sounds like you've been let down badly by someone you loved and trusted. I'm so sorry that happened. I don't blame you for considering ruining them with what you know. That's such a natural reaction. I'm sure whatever you decide will be right.

I hope you feel better soon, no matter what you decide to do.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah I almost in some way regret living as long as I did and suffered so much and didn't do it sooner. I kept hoping for a happy ending only to realize there isn't one. Now instead of just emotional pain and impulse I finally feel calm like let's think this through and come up with a plan I won't come back from.

I am worried about doing something wrong and ending up in some horrible physical state. I think that's why impulsively doing it before could lead to not thinking and having that happen or maybe even in my last moments regretting. I think you're right in that I need to decide this in a logical way. However long I need to really think about it. I don't want to have regrets. I know what I'm looking at and dealing with and others will be affected whether I think they actually care or not. So it's a lot to mull over. But I am feeling in pain but more calm and logical about it all. I don't think I want to spend the rest of my life never having what I wanted - a family - and being alone and in pain.

My horrible ex partner abandoned me and left me during the last good year I could have a child at my age. Everything looked good and a family was always my dream and it was utterly destroyed by this heartless monster who did so much to me. Now there is no future for me anymore. Nothing to live for. I always thought I'd have a family someday and be loved and normal but it was all taken from me by someone who lied to me about everything.

This is so true. I want to as much as possible really embrace and accept my decision. I'm really thinking about this differently than I ever have before. I feel that I could decide this with a clear mind taking everything into consideration and leave with at least as few regrets as possible and having the focus to do what you need to do with a clear mind is so important.

I'm so sorry. People can really let you down. It's all the worse when you have given them your love and trust. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

 

[brokensea]

I'm so sorry. People can really let you down. It's all the worse when you have given them your love and trust. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

Thank you. I really feel you get how I'm feeling/thinking. It means a lot.

 

[brokensea]

Everyone's circumstances are different, but I think feelings of loneliness and of being betrayed are things a lot of people here will identify with. I definitively do. This place, being surrounded by like-minded people who are knowledgeable, has helped me: I know I'm not alone in how I feel and if I want, there are ways out. I'm glad we all found SS.

It sounds like you've been let down badly by someone you loved and trusted. I'm so sorry that happened. I don't blame you for considering ruining them with what you know. That's such a natural reaction. I'm sure whatever you decide will be right.

I hope you feel better soon, no matter what you decide to do.

Thank so much for being so understanding. I feel like a terrible person for feeling that way but this person took away everything from me and betrayed me over and over. It's just things you can't talk about with anyone else - those kinds of feelings, all of these feelings so it's nice, though sad, that people here at least get it. No one in my life would.

 

[Sick&TiredURGH]

I get it. Evil ex who uses our kids to fuck with me to this day.
I can't be dealing with his bs anymore and I am broken. He has won.
Hopefully with some info I have imparted to my eldest, they will be able to break free from him.