Thinking About Leaving the Forum

[KafkaF]

Apologies if this is incoherent or has spelling errors. Laying in bed after taking half a sleeping pill and I suck at typing on my phone.

When I first joined this forum all I wanted was to ask a few questions to help me CTB. However, I still couldn't do it after that. So I'm still here.

I've stuck around for quite a while now. I started talking here about my general mental health struggles and started replying to others. And now I'm running into a problem.

You see, I came here for a purely practical purpose. Told myself I wouldn't connect to anyone. Took pains to not look at any user names.

After sticking around so much longer than expected though I've realized two things.

Firstly, that while this community isn't perfect and can sometimes tend towards echo chamber nihilism, overall it is one of the most open-minded and understanding places I have ever found online. And I oddly like it here for that reason.

Secondly, I've started reckognising a few names. But worst of all, I've started liking a few people here. Considering the purposes of this forum I consider that bad for me.

So, idk... I've been thinking lately I should leave. I respect everyone's choices no matter what they are. I believe we should all have the freedom to decide our own fate, no matter what that decision is. But I also don't want people I like to die... that's selfish of me, but I do feel that way. In that way I am a terrible match for this forum. I just want everyone to be happy.

Don't misinterpret that though. I don't want any of you to suffer due to being alive, let alone for my sake. I just wish that none of you had to suffer at all. And so none of us had to be here in the first place, I guess. It makes me sad to think that so many great and lovely people are in such pain. Tbh, I'm almost shedding a tear writing this.

Sigh.

Anyway, I have conflicted feelings. I like it here. I also have nowhere else to talk about so many of these things. I might crawl up a wall without being able to vent on this forum, tbh. But I can tell I'm getting too emotionally invested so maybe it'd be better for me to leave...

I probably won't at least for now. But part of me feels I really should. If I'm sudddenly gone but didn't say I was gonna CTB soon, that'll probably be the reason.

No matter what though, many of you are great. Even if you can't see it in yourselves.

And now my finger hurts from typing on my phone so much. Auwtch.

So TLDR: Feel conflicted. Want to stay but maybe I'm too emotionally invested to. May not leave soon, may not leave at all, but also may suddenly stop being here. Idk yet.

 

[marchshift]

Goodbye.

 

[KafkaF]

Goodbye.

Thank you but, to be clear, I don't yet know if I'm leaving. I'm conflicted about it. But if I suddenly leave, this will be the reason.

 

[ColorlessTrees]

Even though I personally feel the forum is past its peak, something keeps me coming back. There's a real empty-headedness to most mental health spaces on the internet. The general culture centers therapy as the golden ticket, and any suicide discussion, not even threats, will be shut down immediately; moreover, people can be overly sensitive, and quick to cause conflicts.
And while you're spot on about the "nihilism echo chamber"—plenty of discussions lacking in nuance—there's still an air of genuinity in most people that's hard to come by elsewhere. That and full 'freedom of speech', which is becoming harder and harder to find on the internet.

My suggestion for a happy medium would be to stay out of the Suicide Discussion forum entirely, or better yet, stick to Recovery. It doesn't solve the problem of people you like potentially dying, but for that matter anyone you get 'attached' to might disappear at any moment, death aside.

I understand this 'limbo' feeling; quite a few people have found a sense of community here without throwing in the towel, so to speak. I'm sure it's more common than one might think.

 

[whywere]

Howdy!

I say, stick around here! This site is a comforting zone of open mined, loving and caring souls and first and foremost, as far as I am concerned, this site is not all about suicide, BUT having folks around you like a huge global family that loves and cares about YOU!

I may be 68, BUT I feel on this site age is nothing but a number, that shows just how nice and caring everyone here is.

When one has a good or bad day, one can hop on here, with like-minded folks, and feel joy and comfort knowing that they are not alone and that there are people that care.

Just my thoughts.

Walter

 

[HighFlight]

My suggestion for a happy medium would be to stay out of the Suicide Discussion forum entirely, or better yet, stick to Recovery. It doesn't solve the problem of people you like potentially dying, but for that matter anyone you get 'attached' to might disappear at any moment, death aside.

The site has quite a few Recovery resources, including several support group threads. Check out the sticky threads on the Recovery Forum home page. It's a great way to have good conversations, connect with others, without the constant focus on ctb.

As ColorlessTrees said, it doesn't solve all your concerns, but it's a happy medium.

You also have the option to hide the Suicide Forum if you want to avoid that section of the site. (And for any anti-recovery people reading this... yes, you can hide the Recovery Forum too.)

You can also simply take a break if you feel you need that.

Bottom line is you have choices...

 

[DarkRange55]

Even though I personally feel the forum is past its peak, something keeps me coming back. There's a real empty-headedness to most mental health spaces on the internet. The general culture centers therapy as the golden ticket, and any suicide discussion, not even threats, will be shut down immediately; moreover, people can be overly sensitive, and quick to cause conflicts.
And while you're spot on about the "nihilism echo chamber"—plenty of discussions lacking in nuance—there's still an air of genuinity in most people that's hard to come by elsewhere. That and full 'freedom of speech', which is becoming harder and harder to find on the internet.

My suggestion for a happy medium would be to stay out of the Suicide Discussion forum entirely, or better yet, stick to Recovery. It doesn't solve the problem of people you like potentially dying, but for that matter anyone you get 'attached' to might disappear at any moment, death aside.

I understand this 'limbo' feeling; quite a few people have found a sense of community here without throwing in the towel, so to speak. I'm sure it's more common than one might think.

This completely
Also it is nice having you here, you have a lot to add to this forum and I appreciate your content. Obviously make your own decision but just my 2 cents.
Also I love what @ColorlessTrees said about being a nihilistic echo chamber but still having some genuine people and freedom of speech being rare. I think they explained everything quite well

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's tricky. I do understand. It carries massive risk actually if you are affected by death and you do start to form attachments. There are people here I used to PM who are now gone and I do selfishly miss them. I guess you do have to tell yourself it's a possibility when you start getting to know people here. Personally, it still feels worth it to me, although I know it's going to be horrible to go through if some people decide to go now. I suppose I just tell myself I've gone through it before. It's just an unfortunate part of life.

 

[trashprincess]

I get that. I lost a friend on here and it really messed me up. I stopped coming around and wasn't sure if I'd come back here.

For me, this is my life. I'm a living suicide risk. So I guess.. I'm kind of just okay with that. I accept that as a part of my life.

I feel like people shouldn't have to be around me because my existence is that depressing. And I wouldn't want anyone else to ever feel that way.

Even if someone is GOING to ctb that DAY, they still deserve connection. They still deserve love. They still deserve attention. They deserve someone to hold their hand through their departure.

So I think being here is my way of saying both I and others deserve that support, all the way to the end.

 

[Green Destiny]

I get where you're coming from. You appreciate the open mindedness of this site but don't want to get too connected to people here given the nature of this site. Completely understandable.

 

[KafkaF]

I get where you're coming from. You appreciate the open mindedness of this site but don't want to get too connected to people here given the nature of this site. Completely understandable.

Yeah, pretty much. I'm not well-suited to handle this place.

 

[destinationlosangel]

I feel the exact same way as you do.

When I joined, all I wanted was to off myself. But since then, I've bonded with a few ppl here and here's this thing. I know a lot of us hurting are such good ppl. And it breaks my heart that good ppl just wanna end it. Of course since joining this forum, I've learnt a lot about ctb ing but something I did not expect at all was to get on so well with other strangers on this forum, of all places. I've been on too many places on the internet over the years, but haven't bonded so strongly like I have here with ppl. It makes me sad too. I swear I wish a miracle would help us all out of this misery.