Venting thinking about grief, and the aftermaths of death

[suffocatingseraphim]

I just got home from the vet, as I had to put down one of my pets. We could no longer afford to support her how she needed to be supported. We had to put her down due to surgery complications that resulted in her partially disemboweling herself post-op. I'll spare the details, but, it would be unethical to keep her alive after that point, and she'd gone into shock after pulling out her stitches even with me taking as much possible preventive care.
Anyway. Here and now, I feel emotionally hollow. It isn't unfamiliar by any means, I've experienced a lot of death in my life. Two of my friends died from ctb, I've had a lot of childhood pets die, a few family members die. It isn't a foreign feeling. It's just unusual every time I experience it, like I'll be somehow used to the sensation of feeling entirely hollow. There's always a dull, physical ache for the first few days after a death, too. I just wonder some days what my aftermath will be like to those around me.
I know I won't be going to ctb anytime soon, but, when I do later this year I'm always stuck thinking of how I might affect other people. Probably not by too much, given that my reach is.. limited and dull. But it's still something to think about.
Since death comes about to all of us anyway, why can't I have control over my suffering? To keep people from mourning me? If not that, then what's stopping me?
Some nights I wish the human brain was less complex, so I could just finalize a decision without being all lackadaisical.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hey honey. I'm so terribly sorry to hear about ur beloved pet. As the owner of 2 sweet dogs, that has got to b one of the most difficult situations a pet owner has to endure..My deepest, most sincerest condolences♡

As far as ur loved ones grieving ur passing, I recently (3 wks ago today) lost my dear 31 yr old, nephew who lived with me n whom i raised lIke my own. He passed away in his sleep while at his gf house..not sure what happened as of yet. My husband, fam, and I are currently so emotionally devastated by this. The grief is overwhelming..n nothing anyone can say helps right now. We just have to go thru the extremely painful process. My heart is broken. I imagine it will b for a long time...

I say all that to say, unfortunately, u cannot prevent ur loved ones from mourning the loss of u..(I stress loved ones since some ppl have estranged relationships or none at all)..There is no ez way around it..

I'm sorry u r in so much pain..Sending u love and strength ♡♡♡

 

[suffocatingseraphim]

I'm very sorry for your loss as well, I can't imagine it's easy to lose such a close family member. Especially with deaths so sudden. It's difficult to go day by day after a loss, as though you need to remind your lungs to work, or your feet to get you out of bed.. one day it'll be less like that. But for now it's like scaling Mt Everest.
I really, genuinely appreciate your kindness and empathy, thank you so so much for reaching out. Reading this has helped my heart out in my grief. I'm sending my love and hope right back, and I hope that things feel easier soon after the heartbreak of a loss.
if one thing is stopping me from going, it's that I care too deeply for those I love to put them through the pain grief brings.

thank you again <3 best wishes

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I'm sorry for the loss of your pet. It's hard to think about how you will affect your loved ones if you CTB. I do this all the time, and it's mental torture. I completely understand where you are coming from.

 

[faust]

You are right, our brains are very complex, sometimes even too complex to make us feel the way we want.
Unfortunately, if you have people around you for whom your name is not just a sound, they will feel the pain.
The thing you can do is to write a decent suicide letter which could ease their grief.
Or maybe you can leave something that will make them feel better, maybe a souvenir or hand-made stuff.
Pain is inevitable, but you can try to make it easier to live with that.
Sending you hugs

 

[Lostandfound7]

I'm very sorry for your loss as well, I can't imagine it's easy to lose such a close family member. Especially with deaths so sudden. It's difficult to go day by day after a loss, as though you need to remind your lungs to work, or your feet to get you out of bed.. one day it'll be less like that. But for now it's like scaling Mt Everest.
I really, genuinely appreciate your kindness and empathy, thank you so so much for reaching out. Reading this has helped my heart out in my grief. I'm sending my love and hope right back, and I hope that things feel easier soon after the heartbreak of a loss.
if one thing is stopping me from going, it's that I care too deeply for those I love to put them through the pain grief brings.

thank you again <3 best wishes

Ty and your so welcome honey♡