Thinking about ending a life over a boy

[unkuto]

Never thought I'll be back here. But here we are. Might as well get some advices because I'm lost more than I ever been in my life. Trust me, I'm not suicidal, at least not for BS reasons, but god it hurt so much and u can't take it anymore.

I've been in the U.S. for 8 months, and since I moved here my whole main goal was to get myself a bf or at least a partner who I can give all of myself and be happy with. It was hard. I mean I tried my hardest for over 8 months but it just doesn't work because most guys just want to fuck around and don't care about anything long term. I can't say I've been a good boy either because I've been sleeping around so much, basically having a new guy every day.

Then in August I met N. He was hot, pretty popular, had decent size onlyfans. We hit off really well. He was telling me all these nice things, basically he made me fall in love with him on second day. I've been literally crying in front of him because of how happy he was making to feel.

So we met total 6 times and were discussing renting together and then suddenly he completely ghosted me. When we met we had an agreement that we will be direct to each other and never ghost. So I was so mad at him that he did it.

I tried my hardest to find him to look at his beautiful blue eyes to ask why? It caused chain of massive events where I end up meeting with some of his friends and they told me that he is the biggest piece of shit: can't skip a dick, sleep around, cheat on me (technically he wasn't cheating because we weren't dating but why sleep with other guys if he says he likes me and wants me?). Basically these friends of his told me so much shit about him that I realized that I don't need him anymore and this was closure I'm looking for. As I was driving back home from their house, this morberfucker texted me after 6 days of not talking to me. So his explanation was: he is bipolar and he didn't feel like talking at that time. He doesn't have any negativity towards me and he still wants me. Then his roomate stole his car and phone and got arrested, car got impounded (he wasn't lying about it, I checked his roomate name on special page). So we begin to talk again as he was trying to get money to get his car back. He told me that he is depressed and suicidal and very close to ending things. He barely text back to me. Never calls, never pick up phone. I mean he text back me eventually but it's hard to get ahold of him. He would be sitting on insta 24/7 but won't text back or pickup the phone. He even was posting snap stories with other dudes on his private snap story but when he ghosted me for 6 days he took me out of access so I can't see that he sleep around with other guys. But again we are not even dating. We met 6 times and he doesn't owe me anything, but I fucking love him and he knows that. He would say that he thinks about me all the time, but can't even text back or call me? I don't understand. So when we begin to talk again on Monday before last he did mention that they are looking for a new roomate as his old one got arrested and evicted. I asked him why he does t take me as his roomate? He was like "I never said you couldn't". So after that he talked to people and said I can move in on 5th. So I sent him 1000 on PayPal and we agreed when he pick up his impounded car he will come pick me up or he will ask his friends to do that. So he spend fucking around entire last week thinking where to get money to get car back. I end up giving him like 550 this Monday (he says he will pay back) so he can get his car and help me to move in with him. It's Thursday and he still didn't get car back and I don't know what's up. He is my friend and owe me explanation but also not only because of that but cuz I gave him money. I paid to him for appartment week ago but he says I can't move in for bullshit reasons like: they need to fix toilet, wash walls, clean carpet, that there are ants there, that his ex roomate still had his stuff in the room and I won't have room to leave my stuff. I asked if I can come myself but he said just wait till he get his car back and he will pick me up. Like his communications are dogshit. He will be sitting and posting on other social media but won't give me any update as to what is going on? And when I text and ask he get irritated.
So I'm sitting here right now and thinking what the fuck I'm doing with my life. He is drug addict (doing cocaine and fentanyl), lying cheating piss of shit who have no respect whatsoever to me. He doesn't give a shit about me. He have time for other activities but won't talk to me. But I still fucking love him. He is triggering me so bad and making act crazy and give him shit over text that he always just ignores and leaves on read. I almost feel like he is gaslighting me to make me act crazy and then use it to dump me because he had a hero problem. He act like a nice guy, trying to keep his public image clean. So if he dumps me himself I'm gonna go around and talk shit about him. But I honestly think he wouldn't care. He have no reason to talk to me but he still does. He could have any other roommate but he is s letting me in even knowing that I'm gonna get the shit out of him, get all the answers for questions he was dodging.

So like I'm sitting here at 4 am and I don't know what to do. I mean I don't think he would scam me because I can easily chargeback that on PayPal and screw him over. But lack him saying he cares about me, likes me but then won't even wanna talk and at the same time want to live with me? How? I don't understand how does he work and what is his goal with me. He is one giant walking red flag. 99,99% of people wouldn't even be with him if they've seen what I've seen. But I'm still here, being retarded, stuck on him because I have feelings.

I still don't know if he got his impounded car back or not. I don't know when I can move in with him or can I at all. I don't understand what are his goals with me. But I fucking need him so bad. I just don't see how it's gonna work between us if he acts this way already. I was hoping when we will under the same roof he will act differently but who I am kidding?

don't really have a choice: if I don't do anything I'm gonna feel pain. If I'll continue waiting for him it's gonna be still hurting. If I end things with him I might as well just kill myself too because I can't live without him.

He is so bad for me. He mentally just destroys me.

I just want to drink that SN already and end my life. I don't really have a choice: if I don't do anything I'm gonna feel pain. If I'll continue waiting for him it's gonna be still hurting. If I end things with him I might as well just kill myself too because I can't live without him.

He is so bad for me. He mentally just destroys me

 

[HappyForever?]

I'm sorry you are going through this. You are probably just sticking around because he is hot and showed you attention you desperately want. Even though you probably don't think so now, he is simply not worth it. He is praying on your insecurity for personal gains. Charge back and leave him. It WILL be a difficult decision. You WILL feel like shit. But take some time, and you will thank yourself.

For CTBing, there is probably a deeper reason for your suicidal feeling. It's probably trauma but I can't say for sure. I recommend postponing CTBing. If suicidal feelings persist after leaving him for some time, then you can consider CTBing again.

 

[ahhhyyw]

I'm sorry you are going through this. You are probably just sticking around because he is hot and showed you attention you desperately want. Even though you probably don't think so now, he is simply not worth it. He is praying on your insecurity for personal gains. Charge back and leave him. It WILL be a difficult decision. You WILL feel like shit. But take some time, and you will thank yourself.

For CTBing, there is probably a deeper reason for your suicidal feeling. It's probably trauma but I can't say for sure. I recommend postponing CTBing. If suicidal feelings persist after leaving him for some time, then you can consider CTBing again.

While I don't agree with the second part, I agree that deeper trauma may be the cause, if anything see a therapist to maybe dig the reason out, then see your options

 

[unkuto]

I'm sorry you are going through this. You are probably just sticking around because he is hot and showed you attention you desperately want. Even though you probably don't think so now, he is simply not worth it. He is praying on your insecurity for personal gains. Charge back and leave him. It WILL be a difficult decision. You WILL feel like shit. But take some time, and you will thank yourself.

For CTBing, there is probably a deeper reason for your suicidal feeling. It's probably trauma but I can't say for sure. I recommend postponing CTBing. If suicidal feelings persist after leaving him for some time, then you can consider CTBing again.

I will never forgive myself if there was a chance to get it working and I fucked everything up

 

[Rational man]

Im really sorry to hear this news but honestly, you sound as though you deserve so much more. I would like to know how does a man, in the way you describe, ever commit to another person??. He's got big issues in drugs alone, and needs help. Please step back.and give yourself a little time and space. Honestly, our emotions go crazy over love. You may feel more composed after a little time. Why do I say this?!. Well, most of us have been let down in some way.

 

[LikeAPendulum]

Where do I start with my response. Heads up, I'm not going to sugarcoat it.

Browse this forum and you'll see people who want to die because they were raped, they were abused as children, and etc. This is a very weak reason to die compared to what others have gone through.

And from your post, it seems like you've already made up your mind about that pretty boy whose a liar, a whore, and a drug addict. Just leave him! Leave him!!! You remind me of my mother who fell in love with a walking red flag who emotionally and financially abused her and left her to chase women who are half his age.

Wait 3 days. Let those feelings pass. Take a cold shower. This is no tragedy to die for.

 

[Deathisbetter]

Never thought I'll be back here. But here we are. Might as well get some advices because I'm lost more than I ever been in my life. Trust me, I'm not suicidal, at least not for BS reasons, but god it hurt so much and u can't take it anymore.

I've been in the U.S. for 8 months, and since I moved here my whole main goal was to get myself a bf or at least a partner who I can give all of myself and be happy with. It was hard. I mean I tried my hardest for over 8 months but it just doesn't work because most guys just want to fuck around and don't care about anything long term. I can't say I've been a good boy either because I've been sleeping around so much, basically having a new guy every day.

Then in August I met N. He was hot, pretty popular, had decent size onlyfans. We hit off really well. He was telling me all these nice things, basically he made me fall in love with him on second day. I've been literally crying in front of him because of how happy he was making to feel.

So we met total 6 times and were discussing renting together and then suddenly he completely ghosted me. When we met we had an agreement that we will be direct to each other and never ghost. So I was so mad at him that he did it.

I tried my hardest to find him to look at his beautiful blue eyes to ask why? It caused chain of massive events where I end up meeting with some of his friends and they told me that he is the biggest piece of shit: can't skip a dick, sleep around, cheat on me (technically he wasn't cheating because we weren't dating but why sleep with other guys if he says he likes me and wants me?). Basically these friends of his told me so much shit about him that I realized that I don't need him anymore and this was closure I'm looking for. As I was driving back home from their house, this morberfucker texted me after 6 days of not talking to me. So his explanation was: he is bipolar and he didn't feel like talking at that time. He doesn't have any negativity towards me and he still wants me. Then his roomate stole his car and phone and got arrested, car got impounded (he wasn't lying about it, I checked his roomate name on special page). So we begin to talk again as he was trying to get money to get his car back. He told me that he is depressed and suicidal and very close to ending things. He barely text back to me. Never calls, never pick up phone. I mean he text back me eventually but it's hard to get ahold of him. He would be sitting on insta 24/7 but won't text back or pickup the phone. He even was posting snap stories with other dudes on his private snap story but when he ghosted me for 6 days he took me out of access so I can't see that he sleep around with other guys. But again we are not even dating. We met 6 times and he doesn't owe me anything, but I fucking love him and he knows that. He would say that he thinks about me all the time, but can't even text back or call me? I don't understand. So when we begin to talk again on Monday before last he did mention that they are looking for a new roomate as his old one got arrested and evicted. I asked him why he does t take me as his roomate? He was like "I never said you couldn't". So after that he talked to people and said I can move in on 5th. So I sent him 1000 on PayPal and we agreed when he pick up his impounded car he will come pick me up or he will ask his friends to do that. So he spend fucking around entire last week thinking where to get money to get car back. I end up giving him like 550 this Monday (he says he will pay back) so he can get his car and help me to move in with him. It's Thursday and he still didn't get car back and I don't know what's up. He is my friend and owe me explanation but also not only because of that but cuz I gave him money. I paid to him for appartment week ago but he says I can't move in for bullshit reasons like: they need to fix toilet, wash walls, clean carpet, that there are ants there, that his ex roomate still had his stuff in the room and I won't have room to leave my stuff. I asked if I can come myself but he said just wait till he get his car back and he will pick me up. Like his communications are dogshit. He will be sitting and posting on other social media but won't give me any update as to what is going on? And when I text and ask he get irritated.
So I'm sitting here right now and thinking what the fuck I'm doing with my life. He is drug addict (doing cocaine and fentanyl), lying cheating piss of shit who have no respect whatsoever to me. He doesn't give a shit about me. He have time for other activities but won't talk to me. But I still fucking love him. He is triggering me so bad and making act crazy and give him shit over text that he always just ignores and leaves on read. I almost feel like he is gaslighting me to make me act crazy and then use it to dump me because he had a hero problem. He act like a nice guy, trying to keep his public image clean. So if he dumps me himself I'm gonna go around and talk shit about him. But I honestly think he wouldn't care. He have no reason to talk to me but he still does. He could have any other roommate but he is s letting me in even knowing that I'm gonna get the shit out of him, get all the answers for questions he was dodging.

So like I'm sitting here at 4 am and I don't know what to do. I mean I don't think he would scam me because I can easily chargeback that on PayPal and screw him over. But lack him saying he cares about me, likes me but then won't even wanna talk and at the same time want to live with me? How? I don't understand how does he work and what is his goal with me. He is one giant walking red flag. 99,99% of people wouldn't even be with him if they've seen what I've seen. But I'm still here, being retarded, stuck on him because I have feelings.

I still don't know if he got his impounded car back or not. I don't know when I can move in with him or can I at all. I don't understand what are his goals with me. But I fucking need him so bad. I just don't see how it's gonna work between us if he acts this way already. I was hoping when we will under the same roof he will act differently but who I am kidding?

don't really have a choice: if I don't do anything I'm gonna feel pain. If I'll continue waiting for him it's gonna be still hurting. If I end things with him I might as well just kill myself too because I can't live without him.

He is so bad for me. He mentally just destroys me.

I just want to drink that SN already and end my life. I don't really have a choice: if I don't do anything I'm gonna feel pain. If I'll continue waiting for him it's gonna be still hurting. If I end things with him I might as well just kill myself too because I can't live without him.

He is so bad for me. He mentally just destroys me

I know exactly how it feels I had a guy lead me on and make me feel like a fucking idiot and cheat on me. I'm so sorry if you need someone to chat to my Dms are open for you

 

[SexyIncél]

Browse this forum and you'll see people who want to die because they were raped, they were abused as children, and etc. This is a very weak reason to die compared to what others have gone through.

Please, we shouldn't shame people for their ctb reasons. Counterintuitively, it typically has the opposite effect than intended

Even if not to the OP, then to the many readers

 

[NoFutureAnymore]

I'm sorry you are going through this. You are probably just sticking around because he is hot and showed you attention you desperately want. Even though you probably don't think so now, he is simply not worth it. He is praying on your insecurity for personal gains. Charge back and leave him. It WILL be a difficult decision. You WILL feel like shit. But take some time, and you will thank yourself.

For CTBing, there is probably a deeper reason for your suicidal feeling. It's probably trauma but I can't say for sure. I recommend postponing CTBing. If suicidal feelings persist after leaving him for some time, then you can consider CTBing again.

You are right. I dated once a girl who kept playing games, wanting a relationship or not wanting it depending on the day. So at the end I said I didn't want it anymore. She kept asking me for maybe half a year if I wanted to date again. I kept saying no. I'm 100% sure that if I would have said yes, she would know she's back in control and can start playing games again. Meanwhile I found another amazing girl. So I would say dump him and look further.

 

[unkuto]

I understand that my reasonings are really weak compared to others. The reason doesn't matter. Because what matter is how this makes us feel. Let me tell you something, if you check my post history, you see that 1,5 years ago I've made a post of my fucked my life got in Russia. I was so desperate, I had SN for almost a year in my cabinet looking at it daily. Back then I was thinking how people can cbt for lesser reasons? But now I realise because pain from these events was nothing compared to what I feel right now. Leaving him is just not an option. I will never do that. I need him because he has everything I ever wanted from a guy and I got pretty high standards

 

[exiled]

Where do I start with my response. Heads up, I'm not going to sugarcoat it.

Browse this forum and you'll see people who want to die because they were raped, they were abused as children, and etc. This is a very weak reason to die compared to what others have gone through.

And from your post, it seems like you've already made up your mind about that pretty boy whose a liar, a whore, and a drug addict. Just leave him! Leave him!!! You remind me of my mother who fell in love with a walking red flag who emotionally and financially abused her and left her to chase women who are half his age.

Wait 3 days. Let those feelings pass. Take a cold shower. This is no tragedy to die for.

Comments like this make me sick to my stomach. There is no weak or strong reason to feel the need to CTB. Everything is relative; to feel an emotion or experience so deeply that it leads someone to want to CTB is justification enough to request support. Stating to someone else that their problems are "no tragedy to die for" is so minimizing.

I am sorry if you have gone through "much worse" on your comparison scale, but somebody else's level of suicidal suffering is not for you to decide. Lastly, it is not as simple as "leaving someone" when it comes to relationships that are abusive or hurtful. As someone who suffers from severe Stockholm syndrome, I have heard it said countless times that "all I have to do is leave." Such a dangerous rhetoric to carry when trying to help someone through something like this. It will further isolate the victim.

---

OP, I am so sorry for everything you are going through and that it has led you back to SS. I'm here if you would like someone to talk to on a one on one basis. I know the depth of feeling like your life is over because of someone else, especially when that person is dangerous for me or mental damaging me. In fact, I'm in a situation myself that is like that. I know CTB is the only thing that makes sense right now. I can see why it would. Sweet relief, huh? I'm not saying this to be some selfish pro-lifer but I would love to see you come out of the other side of this with a newfound perspective. We can work together. It isn't an easy task but it's not impossible. Is there a chance you could try your very best to hold off on that SN for right now? We could talk about some options as to how to come to some sort of resolve. Worth a shot, don't you think?

 

[LikeAPendulum]

Stating to someone else that their problems are "no tragedy to die for" is so minimizing

And what if it really is? What if you are choosing a permeant solution to a temporary problem?

 

[CW36]

It's never worth CTB over a breakup. Time will heal those wounds.

 

[exiled]

And what if it really is? What if you are choosing a permeant solution to a temporary problem?

I don't doubt that you say this with a compassionate heart. You want to see others make the choice to fight; it is admirable. I am not here to encourage someone to end their life or make a "permanent decision" to a "temporary problem" but I am here to validate someone in their feelings and the intensity of which they manifest. I understand that you would like for OP to come to a point where they can perhaps find a way through this circumstance and continue on with their existence. I'd like that too, really. And there is no encouragement to CTB from my end. However, I think that your approach - though well intended - is isolating the victim. Or at least it would isolate me. Someone clearly feels terrible enough to consider ending their life over this situation which must mean the pain they are experiencing is so, so real. So heavy. Making them question if they are just "crazy" for how they are reacting is further going to discourage the victim from having any hope. In order to help someone through a situation, you really do have to go down in the bottom of the pit with them and walk up WITH them. You are attempting to assist someone by yelling from the top looking down. Get messy. And allow the person you are trying to help to be messy too. Only then can there even be a chance that the hurting person won't resort to CTB. And no, I am not saying this from a pro-life perspective but because I can tell you have a heart for people and want them to fight. Hopefully you can take away something from my words, and be more effective at being a support system for someone.

 

[Takamagahara]

Like the other said, I invite you to think deeply or, if at all possible, speak to someone as a sounding board about why you feel CTB is your only solution. My own DMs are open for you if you'd like to talk and share.

That said, I also understand. Technically speaking, a break-up (specifically an ex) is also my catalyst for CTB. From the outside looking in, it would look like I am committing suicide because she moved on to someone else; a pedestrian and superficial reason, in most people's estimates.

However, my reasons run deeper than that. I've spent a long time placing my faith in other people only for that faith to be betrayed; she just happens to be the latest. Most of my friends are dead or no longer want me in their lives. I'm not committed to CTB because she broke up with me; I'm committed to CTB because what the break-up represents for the greater course of my life and the overwhelming despair in my future. The fact that it merely happened to be her is little more than coincidence.

Others might scoff at me for that. But if you want to talk, please feel free to contact me.

 

[LikeAPendulum]

Hopefully you can take away something from my words, and be more effective at being a support system for someone.

Very well, I understand and I appreciate your understanding.

 

[Sad Avocado]

I'm in the same situation with a girl rn. I just want to end the pain too, everyday it gets worse its like being hammered constantly on the head

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Hey, I'm in the same mindset as @LikeAPendulum. Killing yourself over someone else is just dumb, IMO. I'm not calling the OP dumb, just the idea of killing yourself over someone else. I've been hurt so many times, especially in my younger years, that I, too, remember wanting to kill myself. I remember crying myself to sleep night after night, month after month in some cases. Hell, it took me well over a year to get over someone once. The truth of the matter is that getting hurt is just part of living and growing up. Those "feel good" chemicals that are overwhelming your emotions eventually subside. It can take a lot of time. Of course having to go through pain is not fun. It comes everyone's way one way at some point in time. Nothing I said is to diminish what the OP is feeling, or their own perceptions of those feelings. It's just not worth it, IMO, to off yourself over another, especially when those feel-good chemicals in one's body that make us feel, love in this case, eventually simmer down. The real trick is to be able to recognize when those chemicals have subsided, and not confuse memories of what was, and what could have been, for still having feelings after they have subsided. Mental and emotional anguish sucks. I remember it well. I hope it goes by quickly for you.

 

[SexyIncél]

Killing yourself over someone else is just dumb, IMO. I'm not calling the OP dumb, just the idea of killing yourself over someone else.

"I'm not calling you dumb, just your ideas are dumb"

One can give advice without suicide gatekeeping & negging. fwiw, I hated when people did that to me. Just made me feel even lonelier. And it lacks a deeper understanding about mechanisms behind many people's ctb desire

The OP referenced previous posts. These seem helpful in understanding his situation: one, two. Competent advice should probably take them into consideration

It's likely not just about the last event. His psyche took many hits — the last "small" hit probably riddled him with cracks

I still haven't mentioned why I'm on sasu. Because I saw & expected such putdowns, by people who weren't going to solve my problems. And it was just too galling. In contrast, the people who did solve my problems — they respected me

 

[locked*n*loaded]

"I'm not calling you dumb, just your ideas are dumb"

This is what YOU said, not me. I SPECIFICALLY cited ONLY the ONE instance in question of killing yourself over another. Don't twist my words or their meaning around.

Nobody put you down and my posting wasn't even directed at you. If you want to kill yourself over a momentary "blip" of heartache, that's your decision. In my opinion, I find it absurd to kill ones self over another.

 

[everythingblack]

I'm really sorry. I'm in the same boat and know how hard it can be. Please reach out to someone.

 

[exiled]

This is what YOU said, not me. I SPECIFICALLY cited ONLY the ONE instance in question of killing yourself over another. Don't twist my words or their meaning around.

Nobody put you down and my posting wasn't even directed at you. If you want to kill yourself over a momentary "blip" of heartache, that's your decision. In my opinion, I find it absurd to kill ones self over another.

Just playing devil's advocate here, but are we not all considering CTB due to one another, in some distant way or another? Whether it be the lack of other's understanding, the heartache caused by another, a situation we were put in due to the abuse of someone who we thought loved us? A distaste for society, in general? Everything, or maybe almost everything, stems from something someone else did. I think referring to someone's reasoning for wanting to CTB as "dumb" is a little bit unfair. In that case, what scale are you even using to come to that conclusion?

It isn't about the situation itself. It is about the intensity of the feeling someone is experiencing, and we do not get to decide the legitimacy of that. It's like we were talking about in the other thread: me having cancer does not invalidate the person who has a less "intensive" disease. I do not have the right to call someone's desire to die "dumb" simply because on paper, my disease ranks "higher" on some imaginary scale.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Whether it be the lack of other's understanding, the heartache caused by another, a situation we were put in due to the abuse of someone who we thought loved us

None of these apply to me. If you really want to get down to the nitty gritty, I guess everything that does happen is caused by humans one way or another, maybe except natural disasters, and maybe they even are now, possibly in some respect, anyway.

In that case, what scale are you even using to come to that conclusion?

I'm using the "scale" of many people who have lived a lot longer than most on here and who have been through the exact same thing numerous times and survived the ordeals. This topic has been covered ad nauseam on here and it isn't an exaggeration to say that most respondents to these types of postings say exactly the same thing that, IN ESSENCE, it is "not the smartest thing in the world" (choose your own word here) to kill yourself over someone else. The pain goes away. It's all chemicals in the brain making you feel like you do. Everyone goes through it. No one's "intensity" (and I know I'm going to get dinged for say this) is any different than anyone elses intensity. If you believe that, you are saying that one person's love is more powerful than another's. I think when it took me about 1 1/2 years to get over an ex gf that I must have the GREATEST INTENSITY of anyone on the planet. Still got through it. Felt like a knife being stabbed into my heart non-stop and a giant weight on my chest. Comparing a broken heart to a disease is apples and oranges, IMO. People are supposed to get broken hearts. It's part of growing up and becoming stronger. Every possible thing that happens to someone in life cannot be a reason to CTB. A person shouldn't kill themselves because of someone else in the same way they shouldn't choose to live because of someone else. My perspective is just that - my perspective.

The OP is 100% absolutely free to do what they want. If they want to off themselves because of a break-up, that's their business. When someone posts something like this it is only normal to expect differing opinions and that is exactly what I provided - my opinion - based on the life experience and wisdom I've gained for living 2 1/2 times longer than the OP. How would whatever I say have any sway over what anyone else on here does. People are going to do whatever they feel they need to do anyway. My opinion? Take it or leave it. I know the vast majority of people believe exactly what I believe when it comes to this topic.

 

[SexyIncél]

This is what YOU said, not me. I SPECIFICALLY cited ONLY the ONE instance in question of killing yourself over another. Don't twist my words or their meaning around.

Nobody put you down and my posting wasn't even directed at you. If you want to kill yourself over a momentary "blip" of heartache, that's your decision. In my opinion, I find it absurd to kill ones self over another.

Haha, many would find my ctb reasons faaaar worse than this fellow's. Not even about heartache. Anyway, calling people's feelings dumb & then putting this cute little on my post which I thought was respectful, maybe you were welcoming a little conflict?

Many have random opinions on who should & shouldn't ctb. That's why people love promortalists like FuneralCry: it's all the same to them in the end. And dumbness is a consistent feature of life in this world — most of us are gonna die in dumb ways, when you really look at it

Anyway, back on topic, I don't have much time, but it seems there's attachment issues to a high-status person who resembles (but maybe isn't?) a sociopath/narcissist, with an amusingly chaotic/interesting life. And with the OP's recent move to the US, without much solid family maybe, it's worth nothing that community structures got demolished, except for the church. Hyper-bureaucratic aspects to its culture, along with hyper-work in purposeless bullshit jobs. Major efforts to destroy social imagination & moral backbone. So there's an overemphasis on erotic/romantic relationships, often wild ones. Because there's little else pleasurable/beautiful to live for

Sam Vaknin's maybe a helpful-but-rambly source on narci-jitsu, being a narcissist himself. Psychacks might have relevant stuff, though lots of it is hetero-specific. Maybe I'll think of more later

 

[SexyIncél]

I feel my last post was glib. This could be more relevant than these psych tools:

At this point I think we have the elements for a preliminary synthesis. Insofar as it is useful to distinguish something called "desire" from needs, urges, or intentions, then, it is because desire
(a) is always rooted in imagination
(b) tends to direct itself towards some kind of social relation, real or imaginary
(c) that social relation generally entails a desire for some kind of recognition and, hence, an imaginative reconstruction of the self; a process fraught with dangers of destroying that social relation, or turning it into some kind of terrible conflict

Now, all this is more arranging the elements of a possible theory than proposing one; it leaves open the actual mechanics of how these elements interact. But if nothing else, it helps explain why the word "desire" has become so popular with authors who write about modern consumerism—which is, we are told, all about imaginary pleasures, and the construction of identities. Even here, though, the historical connections between ideas are not what one might imagine.

— David Graeber in "Possibilities: Essays on Hierarchy, Rebellion and Desire"

Onlyfans can be about consumerism. Maybe the target of the OP's desire isn't actually loved. Nor very lovable?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

calling people's feelings dumb

I said killing yourself over another is dumb. Never said anything about "feelings".

most of us are gonna die in dumb ways, when you really look at it

I don't think how anyone dies can be categorized as "dumb". Now, reasons on the the other hand, well.........................

then putting this cute little on my post which I thought was respectful, maybe you were welcoming a little conflict?

Opinions, opinions, opinions, everyone has them. If you think my opinion's intent was shaming someone, obviously you must be one of those heart/mind reading types. It's dangerous to read into someone's words more than their face value. My opinion of your post stands.

 

[Dot]

Cld OPs thred nt b hi-jackd pls