houseofleaves
and this with thee remains.
- Jan 14, 2022
- 551
It's been a year since @CloseFriendofCamus went away.
Feels wrong to say that, but I'm glad that he was able to make his own choice. That he wasn't imprisoned and tortured in some shithole hospital or fed countless victimblaming lies by so-called "concerned strangers".
Today is a somber day. I never (or almost never) let myself forget about his suicide. For me, this is a personal tragedy. But lately remembrance comes with gratitude. A somber day,
but a peaceful day too. The weather is wonderful. Sun rays shining through windows. I'm grateful for the birds chirping outside, for the street noise. For that one-night stand that ended up being lover. I can hear him taking a shower next door, walls here are kinda thin.
And the only reason why i'm able to enjoy life so much is @CloseFriendofCamus. Every day feels like a gift. Let me rephrase it — every day feels like a personal gift — from him. I'm not insane, i did not deem him a god, but i know for a fact that it was him who helped me get through the darkest of times. I didn't tell him about it, didn't even understand it back then. But it is true.
So when they tell you that you should not kill yourself because "It will absolutely ruin everyone's lives! Think about them! You're choosing yourself and giving zero fucks about others' wellbeing! So selfish!", lemme tell you that they're not 100% right.
Voluntary death is not an act of destruction only. It can be an act of creation. Death can not stop life (in general, i mean). The people that tell you that something horrible will happen if you choose to die are liars and cowards (UNLESS they depend on you aka your children/other people you take care of, but this is completely different situation).
Am i hurt by my friend's passing? Absolutely. But his pain was much greater than mine. Today is a peaceful day; a rainbow — after a storm. I still have my SN, meto, measuring glasses, antacid and stuff. When my time comes, i'll be ready — and apart everything else, i'm grateful to @CloseFriendofCamus for showing me the way.
Feels wrong to say that, but I'm glad that he was able to make his own choice. That he wasn't imprisoned and tortured in some shithole hospital or fed countless victimblaming lies by so-called "concerned strangers".
Today is a somber day. I never (or almost never) let myself forget about his suicide. For me, this is a personal tragedy. But lately remembrance comes with gratitude. A somber day,
but a peaceful day too. The weather is wonderful. Sun rays shining through windows. I'm grateful for the birds chirping outside, for the street noise. For that one-night stand that ended up being lover. I can hear him taking a shower next door, walls here are kinda thin.
And the only reason why i'm able to enjoy life so much is @CloseFriendofCamus. Every day feels like a gift. Let me rephrase it — every day feels like a personal gift — from him. I'm not insane, i did not deem him a god, but i know for a fact that it was him who helped me get through the darkest of times. I didn't tell him about it, didn't even understand it back then. But it is true.
So when they tell you that you should not kill yourself because "It will absolutely ruin everyone's lives! Think about them! You're choosing yourself and giving zero fucks about others' wellbeing! So selfish!", lemme tell you that they're not 100% right.
Voluntary death is not an act of destruction only. It can be an act of creation. Death can not stop life (in general, i mean). The people that tell you that something horrible will happen if you choose to die are liars and cowards (UNLESS they depend on you aka your children/other people you take care of, but this is completely different situation).
Am i hurt by my friend's passing? Absolutely. But his pain was much greater than mine. Today is a peaceful day; a rainbow — after a storm. I still have my SN, meto, measuring glasses, antacid and stuff. When my time comes, i'll be ready — and apart everything else, i'm grateful to @CloseFriendofCamus for showing me the way.
