Thinking about drinking SN tonight

[zakfart13]

So I am 24 years old. I lived with my girlfriend, and just before the end of our lease, we had an argument, and I ended up breaking up with her. Prior to our fight, we were both set with new places, and planned on living separately, but staying together. Shortly after, I found out my father who I had never met before died from Covid-19 after being deported to Africa because he was trying to sneak into America. He was trying to see me (he lived in London, and I live in Minnesota). As a young child, I would talk to him on the phone, and he would promise me that I would see him, or that he would send me his favorite soccer team's jersey, but to no avail. I would cry every night in the shower. I was surely dealing with childhood depression. The combination of losing my father, and my girlfriend(who I actually didn't want to break up with), sent me into psychosis. I would wander at night and walk for miles entering homes, and even found my way onto some train tracks before being found by police and hospitalized. I got a diagnosis of depression, and psychosis. I was glad to have an explanation for my years, and years of sadness, and suicidal ideation. Unfortunately though, during my psychosis, I spent an unreal amount of money, opened multiple credit cards, accrued $16,000 of debt, backed out of my fully funded master's degree I was set to start, ended up having to break my lease, and moved back in with my mom. On top of this, after backing out of my master's, I got lucky and was offered a $30 an hour software engineering job, which I accepted, but lost after going on a huge psychotic rant to my lovely boss. It was my dream job. Possibly worst of all, during my psychosis, I was charged with felony burglary after wandering into a stranger's home. Now I can't work, am broke, sad, think about suicide everyday, and am likely going to kill myself tonight, or very soon with SN that I had bought. I thought I would ask for the input of other member's before doing so.

 

[FuneralCry]

The way I see it, it is your life and your decision so therefore only you know if ctb is the right thing for yourself. I'm sorry that you are in so much pain, it sounds so awful what you have been through. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[AnestheticVoid]

I understand where you're coming from. I'm in a similar situation. Ive racked up $20000 in credit card debt and at least the same amount in medical debt (haven't ever bothered finding out the actual number) from hospitalizations from seizures and overdoses. Also have an assault that was charged as a felony and dropped to aggrevated misdemeanor because I blacked out on PCP scared the people I was living with and fought the cops and also stealing one of their tasers which I have no memory of doing. I know my life is over.

However it sounds like youre intelligent with having a degree and the ability to perform the job of a software engineer. I'd just keep that in mind before you pull the trigger. I hope youre able to find peace for yourself.

 

[Sittichmutter]

Dear Zac,
You are passing through a very dificult time. You had hard losses and is mentally ill.
At the same time, you seem very intelligent, with a huge potential.
If I were you, I would wait longer. Get stabilized on medication and try to get your life back on track.
Things change, all the time. Do not lose Hope. You are still Young.
I Hope you get better.
Lots of love for you.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Unless you have set up your SN routine, have all the necessary other drugs and are ready to begin the protocol, I'd say tonight is not the night.

Impulsive attempts rarely end well, and might wind you back up in the hospital. It often gets worse the more times they see you.

Have you tried treatment for your psychosis? It often takes a few tries before you find the right med or combo for you.

Credit card debt - running it up and then having to deal with it - is something a lot of us can relate to. I tended to run them up when I'm manic, get into employment trouble when I was on the downswing, and wind up with yet another set of collection agents calling me. Thankfully, I've been stable for a while, so this isn't a huge part of my life anymore.

If you're good at what you do, you can probably find someone else to hire you. You might have to do contract work for a while instead of being hired right on, but the plus is that there's lots of remote work available right now. That greatly reduces the chances of ugly encounters with colleagues.

For me, I was good enough at what I did that most places thought it was worth the trouble to keep me on, even if I was a real pain in the ass.

 

[WearyHSP]

@zakfart13 I want to express my deep sympathy for such hardships and the crisis combination that caused psychosis. Like others here, because you have the potential to be well employed (and so a potential to get your life on track), it might serve you to give yourself some time to recover before making this decision. I wish the best for you.

 

[y0dha]

I'm so sorry to what happened to you, it brought tear in my eyes.
Like others have said you have the potential to get back on track with a high paying job, and if you don't have any physical disease / damage, it's maybe worth trying.
At the end it's your decision, but maybe you can still wait another day if you're not sure at least.

 

[Graytaichi]

Are u still ard. Wish u peace and lots and lots of luck

 

[hopelessgirl]

So I am 24 years old. I lived with my girlfriend, and just before the end of our lease, we had an argument, and I ended up breaking up with her. Prior to our fight, we were both set with new places, and planned on living separately, but staying together. Shortly after, I found out my father who I had never met before died from Covid-19 after being deported to Africa because he was trying to sneak into America. He was trying to see me (he lived in London, and I live in Minnesota). As a young child, I would talk to him on the phone, and he would promise me that I would see him, or that he would send me his favorite soccer team's jersey, but to no avail. I would cry every night in the shower. I was surely dealing with childhood depression. The combination of losing my father, and my girlfriend(who I actually didn't want to break up with), sent me into psychosis. I would wander at night and walk for miles entering homes, and even found my way onto some train tracks before being found by police and hospitalized. I got a diagnosis of depression, and psychosis. I was glad to have an explanation for my years, and years of sadness, and suicidal ideation. Unfortunately though, during my psychosis, I spent an unreal amount of money, opened multiple credit cards, accrued $16,000 of debt, backed out of my fully funded master's degree I was set to start, ended up having to break my lease, and moved back in with my mom. On top of this, after backing out of my master's, I got lucky and was offered a $30 an hour software engineering job, which I accepted, but lost after going on a huge psychotic rant to my lovely boss. It was my dream job. Possibly worst of all, during my psychosis, I was charged with felony burglary after wandering into a stranger's home. Now I can't work, am broke, sad, think about suicide everyday, and am likely going to kill myself tonight, or very soon with SN that I had bought. I thought I would ask for the input of other member's before doing so.

Hi! Just wanted to say I read all that. You seem like an incredible person. Are you sure it's too late for you? You can live on maybe with a reinvented life. I'm not a pro lifer. But pro choice. Think about your options and values. What do you love about life? What can you do now that the other doors closed? Are you sure there aren't other girls and people in the world it would be interesting to meet? Let alone us here on SS! This is a lovely communitty. And we're here to guide you through this. I want you to know that it's your life. You're free to end it. But remember, it will end all your pain. You will be nothing :-) I'd recommend watching Kelly kagans lectures about death and suicide on YouTube. 26 videos. Philosophy. This is your biggest decision. Don't go gently in to that good night. Make the right decision for you. Because when it's done it's too late, and you want to be at peace with it.

 

[Nirrend]

This is so sad man, i wish you the best, i wish you to be happy <3

 

[Baatz]

First, sorry to hear about your dad.

I wouldn't do it if I were you. You still have options and I think you should stop beating yourself up for making mistakes. Maybe you'll not get your girlfriend back or be able to get rid of the debt as quickly as you'd like…just focus on getting better for now (whether it's prescription drugs, therapy, etc.) and then you can start on the other stuff. You may end up with a better job, a better relationship with a different girl and be in a much happier place. It's entirely possible for someone like you.