This is a separate thread than my usual venting.
For the past couple of days, I've been contemplating death again. I've been thinking about dying, and it excites me as much as it scares me.
I've always thought that once I'll die, I'd finally be free from all of my burdens. That I'd finally be too dead to care about anything that happens after. I've been close to people that now are dead, I've known death before I knew multiplication and the verb to be. Despite all of that, I'm terrified of the process of dying. Knowing that a person is dying is way more terrifying and sad than knowing that someone IS dead.
I myself are slowly but surely dying. I have a mental disorder that has one, if not the highest, the death rate. They don't make it past thirty something. All of this made me realize that I am dying and that I might never get proper treatment to prevent me from doing so. The truth is, I'm terrified that one day I'm going to die, and I'll have to live through the process of dying. I think I've made peace with being dead, but I'm scared of that small window of when I'm alive and when I'm dead.
Thinking so much about this reminded me that my best friend told me he wanted to die too, that he's tired, but he couldn't do it for his family and for me. I wish that I could've told him that I understood that I was also tired, but I couldn't. I basically begged him for his own life, and I felt extremely selfish, but I didn't care. Last year, I told him I wanted to die because I didn't see a future in which I was happy, and he basically begged me for my life. I realized that that was very selfish of him, but I somehow didn't really care. That made me realize that we're both selfish. We both want the other to live, but we don't want to live ourselves.
Some people may benefit from that selfishness because some people don't want to die, they just want their issues to be gone, and death does sound appealing. That selfishness can help them build a support system and whatnot and finally be free from their burdens.
People like me, however, don't benefit from it. My mental disorders have made me into an asocial person. I simply can not form a support system or a community or a found family or whatever. The way my brain works and how I was raised only allows me to have shallow relationships with people. Every time I've allowed myself to have something deeper, it ends up ruined. Many people say, "If x and y thing were/weren't in my life, I'd be so much happier." I've tried to find what would make me happy, but the more I look for, the more I realize there's nothing. There's nothing that would make me feel happy or fulfilled. Not even the selfishness of my best friend can keep me alive for much.
I just wish that dying didn't terrify me, I would've been in peace for a while now.
For the past couple of days, I've been contemplating death again. I've been thinking about dying, and it excites me as much as it scares me.
I've always thought that once I'll die, I'd finally be free from all of my burdens. That I'd finally be too dead to care about anything that happens after. I've been close to people that now are dead, I've known death before I knew multiplication and the verb to be. Despite all of that, I'm terrified of the process of dying. Knowing that a person is dying is way more terrifying and sad than knowing that someone IS dead.
I myself are slowly but surely dying. I have a mental disorder that has one, if not the highest, the death rate. They don't make it past thirty something. All of this made me realize that I am dying and that I might never get proper treatment to prevent me from doing so. The truth is, I'm terrified that one day I'm going to die, and I'll have to live through the process of dying. I think I've made peace with being dead, but I'm scared of that small window of when I'm alive and when I'm dead.
Thinking so much about this reminded me that my best friend told me he wanted to die too, that he's tired, but he couldn't do it for his family and for me. I wish that I could've told him that I understood that I was also tired, but I couldn't. I basically begged him for his own life, and I felt extremely selfish, but I didn't care. Last year, I told him I wanted to die because I didn't see a future in which I was happy, and he basically begged me for my life. I realized that that was very selfish of him, but I somehow didn't really care. That made me realize that we're both selfish. We both want the other to live, but we don't want to live ourselves.
Some people may benefit from that selfishness because some people don't want to die, they just want their issues to be gone, and death does sound appealing. That selfishness can help them build a support system and whatnot and finally be free from their burdens.
People like me, however, don't benefit from it. My mental disorders have made me into an asocial person. I simply can not form a support system or a community or a found family or whatever. The way my brain works and how I was raised only allows me to have shallow relationships with people. Every time I've allowed myself to have something deeper, it ends up ruined. Many people say, "If x and y thing were/weren't in my life, I'd be so much happier." I've tried to find what would make me happy, but the more I look for, the more I realize there's nothing. There's nothing that would make me feel happy or fulfilled. Not even the selfishness of my best friend can keep me alive for much.
I just wish that dying didn't terrify me, I would've been in peace for a while now.
