Venting Thinking about CTB soon. Here's my plan.

[pattyr26]

I'm new to this forum, but I've been suicidal since I was 8 (I am now 24). I'm a waste of time and space, and everyone knows it, even if they won't say it to my face. All I do is hurt those around me, and throw their love right back in their faces. I have nothing going for me, nothing to show for 24 years of living, and no future to look forward to. I live with my dad and work a dead end job I can't stand. I'm a college dropout that's done nothing to further her career since high school. I'm also a trans woman in the USA, so I'll probably get raped, murdered, jailed, or all three at some point in the near future. Might as well get it out the way.

My plan is to rent a room at a nearby hotel/motel (whatever has a vacancy, shouldn't be too hard to find this time of year), lay out all my notes neatly on the desk, and hang myself in the closet or bathroom. I don't own a rope, so I'm planning on tying the bed sheets into a makeshift noose. I don't think I'll have the luxury of blacking out instantly with my half-assed set up, but given that no one will know where I am, I'll have plenty of time to suffocate. It won't be the cleanest, but it'll get the job done. I've been putting it off for my dad's sake, but I don't think I can tread water any more. I always knew that I'd go out like this.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I think I just want to share my thoughts with somebody without being hospitalized. I'm in therapy, but I've already pushed it as far as I can there without being thrown into a padded room. Thanks for listening.

 

[SomewhatLoved]

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way. It's disgusting how our society is failing trans people.

If you are to do this, I would strongly suggest getting a proper rope. Using a makeshift ligature made of sheets will just drop the odds of it working as expected and will make it more likely that you will suffer unnecessarily or possibly be injured/disabled instead of ending your own life. If you are able to book a hotel/motel, I assume you have at least some money to be spending. Ropes are easily accessible and can be bought no questions asked for super cheap. They are a basic item, most hardware stores have them where I live, I doubt anyone would even ask anything. I used to work as a cashier in a drug store and I would deal with shy teenagers coming through on a near daily basis buying condoms, lube, and whatever other stupid shit teenagers buy. At first it was passingly funny, but I didn't care. Most people working in these entry level jobs could care less. If they do ask, you can just tell them it's for a swing set you're helping your dad build in the yard or something.

 

[snwcolt]

Ah man... yeah as the previous person said your plan sucks. If you're actually gonna do this please spend some time and a little money if need be and don't do something half-ass that you'll regret. It's also a shame to give up at such a young age. If there's any fight left in you fuckin go for it and try to go out swinging. In the end tho I'm not gonna encourage anyone to prolong their suffering if it's not likely to end. Please feel free to dm me. I was in a similar situation at your age and I'd love to try to share some wisdom if you're at all interested