SoulWhisperer
Severe Medical Phobia « MtF »
- Nov 13, 2023
- 436
Ok, I legit didn't predict me making such a post but here we are. Flagged as "help" because I had no better ideas, I don't actually need help with a physical problem, more like "emotional help" or something...
PS: 850+ words long post, however this is probably one of my most/few significant posts, I'd be grateful if anyone could take some time to read or reply below so I don't feel on my own as solitude when I'm sick kills me... (You're not forced to read/comment, I'd just be grateful, you know
)
So now I'm here, 21:21 GMT+1, in bed, concerned and anxious as usual. It's recommended to not use tight shoes but that's all I have and tomorrow I have a test. Now, the actual issue is: my deathly iatrophobia. My family does NEVER care about my sicknesses and always dismiss me, attack me for being hyper-anxious (It's because of my phobias), and there's no way in hell my mind could sustain going to a hospital, so I'm praying tomorrow my GP will revive and check me so I can MAYBE get an antibiotic or whatever the fuck I need to heal.
Now, I've pretty much stayed here on this website for the emotional support and information, seeing what others are up to and etc. I do want to CTB because of a shitton load of issues, HOWEVER now that I got reminded of HOW TERRIBLE sicknesses, conditions, bacteria, viruses and whatnot can be to the human body I just feel like CTBing EVEN MORE just for the sake of evading any future pain where nobody cares about me, doesn't understand I'm weak and I'll be forced to probably/likely undergo worse medically.
I don't have the mental energy to focus on any distraction like I used to, I never can when I'm sick. I don't have the energy to text my online friends because I am TERRIFIED, I ALWAYS FUCKING AM. I go from states of general anxiety to active anxiety to anxiety and panic attacks. I'm tired of this, I'm TOO SCARED OF THIS WORLD AND ORGANIC LIFE.
What I wonder is if it is "sensed" to want to CTB out of GENUINE FEAR/TERROR of something. I literally wanna die because I am too scared, just like in horror games people quit out of fear, well, imagine that the horror exists in real life, and I want to quit it before I lose my mind.
Ever since I educated myself on information about methods I realised how my stupid reckless idea I initially had was so ever since I've just been waiting for any good opportunity to plan out ANY method I could attempt. However here we are, never actually thought I'd actively search to CTB so fast but eh. My reckless stupid plan seems like the only "viable" thing.
I didn't prepare myself psychologically for death at all but all I know is that if this shit goes out of hand and I don't get proper medical attention fast I swear I will actually consider going through with my stupid initial plan out of despair. No goodbye letter or anything like I thought years ago, if I do actually decide to go through with it, it'll be purely for the practical purpose of ending me, no emotional strings attached.
I haven't actually decided anything yet especially because if this fails I'll probably end up in a condition where if I'd can survive with my body recognisable it'd be a miracle. Just a self-reflection. As of today, 30/01/2025 pretty much anyone I know irl is clueless of my mental health and if I were to attempt out from the blue like this I'd probably fuck up a lot of things.
Please don't ridicule my feelings, I've been very depressed and suicidal for years due to abuse from my parents and a lot of other issues, this isn't an actually "rushed decision" and sooner or later I think I will choose to CTB either way, for a reason or another.
PS: 850+ words long post, however this is probably one of my most/few significant posts, I'd be grateful if anyone could take some time to read or reply below so I don't feel on my own as solitude when I'm sick kills me... (You're not forced to read/comment, I'd just be grateful, you know
)3 weeks ago a heavy detachable vacuum cleaner piece of metal and plastic fell from the closet I put it over as usual right into my left foot hitting the big toe (apparently English term, or hallux) making me bleed. The thing solved didn't devolve though. It healed a bit although it wasn't a good looking nail. HOWEVER 2d ago I was running backwards in my corridor and my 4y/o brother made me fall backwards injuring again the same area, my father kicked me and I rushed to go outside as I planned to. TOO BAD that I bled again without noticing and I got an INFECTION from that incident.
Result: big yellow pus on my toe, hurts AS FUCK to minimally touch, horrible looking and I struggle to walk a bit. I try salt/water + a medical cream nonstop BUT MY GP IS NOT RESPONDING TO CALLS. My mother called her, I shit you not, FIFTY-EIGHT TIMES TODAY and she never picked up. I went to my grandmother's doc yesterday who was no help.
Result: big yellow pus on my toe, hurts AS FUCK to minimally touch, horrible looking and I struggle to walk a bit. I try salt/water + a medical cream nonstop BUT MY GP IS NOT RESPONDING TO CALLS. My mother called her, I shit you not, FIFTY-EIGHT TIMES TODAY and she never picked up. I went to my grandmother's doc yesterday who was no help.
So now I'm here, 21:21 GMT+1, in bed, concerned and anxious as usual. It's recommended to not use tight shoes but that's all I have and tomorrow I have a test. Now, the actual issue is: my deathly iatrophobia. My family does NEVER care about my sicknesses and always dismiss me, attack me for being hyper-anxious (It's because of my phobias), and there's no way in hell my mind could sustain going to a hospital, so I'm praying tomorrow my GP will revive and check me so I can MAYBE get an antibiotic or whatever the fuck I need to heal.
Now, I've pretty much stayed here on this website for the emotional support and information, seeing what others are up to and etc. I do want to CTB because of a shitton load of issues, HOWEVER now that I got reminded of HOW TERRIBLE sicknesses, conditions, bacteria, viruses and whatnot can be to the human body I just feel like CTBing EVEN MORE just for the sake of evading any future pain where nobody cares about me, doesn't understand I'm weak and I'll be forced to probably/likely undergo worse medically.
I don't have the mental energy to focus on any distraction like I used to, I never can when I'm sick. I don't have the energy to text my online friends because I am TERRIFIED, I ALWAYS FUCKING AM. I go from states of general anxiety to active anxiety to anxiety and panic attacks. I'm tired of this, I'm TOO SCARED OF THIS WORLD AND ORGANIC LIFE.
What I wonder is if it is "sensed" to want to CTB out of GENUINE FEAR/TERROR of something. I literally wanna die because I am too scared, just like in horror games people quit out of fear, well, imagine that the horror exists in real life, and I want to quit it before I lose my mind.
Ever since I educated myself on information about methods I realised how my stupid reckless idea I initially had was so ever since I've just been waiting for any good opportunity to plan out ANY method I could attempt. However here we are, never actually thought I'd actively search to CTB so fast but eh. My reckless stupid plan seems like the only "viable" thing.
I didn't prepare myself psychologically for death at all but all I know is that if this shit goes out of hand and I don't get proper medical attention fast I swear I will actually consider going through with my stupid initial plan out of despair. No goodbye letter or anything like I thought years ago, if I do actually decide to go through with it, it'll be purely for the practical purpose of ending me, no emotional strings attached.
I haven't actually decided anything yet especially because if this fails I'll probably end up in a condition where if I'd can survive with my body recognisable it'd be a miracle. Just a self-reflection. As of today, 30/01/2025 pretty much anyone I know irl is clueless of my mental health and if I were to attempt out from the blue like this I'd probably fuck up a lot of things.
Please don't ridicule my feelings, I've been very depressed and suicidal for years due to abuse from my parents and a lot of other issues, this isn't an actually "rushed decision" and sooner or later I think I will choose to CTB either way, for a reason or another.
