Venting think im being taken advantage of.

[rail.tracerr]

gonna preface this by saying I'm extremely high right now and it's part of the problem. Also major tw for rape & sex.

I'm having relationship problems with one of my partners, and we all live together so there's not really any way to escape the stress. Everything is becoming so much that my brain just keeps turning off and all I can think about is how much easier it would be if I could stop thinking and someone could take control and help me function.

Fundamentally I understand this is a fucked up thing to think, and that if someone actually did do that to me, it wouldn't be okay, because i should never be in that situation in the first place; where I need to be so stressed out about everything to the point that I even have the thoughts on the first place.

The problem is that when I express that to my girlfriend (also trans), when the two of us sleep alone, usually we get high. And then when we get high, she fucks me or my mouth. And I'm so high that I can't think about anything other than the moment where it feels good. And it feels right. And it's so much easier to just stop thinking and let her do it. And I can't really think, and I only have like two boundaries that I set, and she respects them the whole time, but sometimes I get scared she won't and the only reason she does is because I tense up or start to like. Wake up and get clearer thoughts. And then she shushes me and sorta soothes me until I melt back into place.

In the moment this is. Good. I don't think about anything, all the stress goes away. She talks dirty about how I belong to her and that I'm a doll that she can do whatever she wants to. And I'm so high I can't move. And she's so high that she can barely stop herself from just acting.

And then I like. Wake up? Sober up? Snap out of it, get clearer thoughts, and some part of me goes "this is fucked up. Something is wrong here." And I start to get scared. And I guess that's why I'm here right now.

Am I being taken advantage of by my girlfriend? Is she capitalizing on my distress and my psychological pain making me need to escape, and using it to pleasure herself? Am I just high and thinking too much?

I can't remember verbally consenting, and every time I'm so high I can't think anyway.

I feel really scared and confused right now and I'm worried it's because I'm high. And I don't think I can tell anyone else about this. It feels delusional, like it isn't real, like I'm going crazy, and like I either should know whether or not it is or it isn't.

Can anyone please help me?

 

[didntmeantohauntyou]

I think regardless of anything else, you dont seem to like being used in that way by your partner and you should talk to them about it. And if theyre not willing to respect that then id say yes they would be taking advantage of you in that situation. Just get your boundaries on the table, i know its scary and you might feel like you dont want to ruin the good parts of the relationship with this "trivial" issue but its obviously not trivial and it matters to you. If they can't accept that than idk

 

[rail.tracerr]

I think regardless of anything else, you dont seem to like being used in that way by your partner and you should talk to them about it.

I think I'm coming to that conclusion myself finally, but I'm worried that liking it in the moment or possibly even wanting it in the moment de-legitimizes how I feel about it when it's over or even before it happens. I'm worried that i do actually like it and I'm just trying to tell myself I don't, or something.

 

[didntmeantohauntyou]

I think I'm coming to that conclusion myself finally, but I'm worried that liking it in the moment or possibly even wanting it in the moment de-legitimizes how I feel about it when it's over or even before it happens. I'm worried that i do actually like it and I'm just trying to tell myself I don't, or something.

even if you do feel like you like it sometimes. The other times you feel like you dont are equally valid and it might be better to just not have to worry about liking it or not by just not letting your partner do it anymore.

 

[rail.tracerr]

even if you do feel like you like it sometimes. The other times you feel like you dont are equally valid and it might be better to just not have to worry about liking it or not by just not letting your partner do it anymore.

That helps to hear. Thank you for the advice. I'm still figuring out what I'm able to handle with my body, a little at a time. I'm hoping talking with a therapist one day might help me process this baggage better...

 

[didntmeantohauntyou]

That helps to hear. Thank you for the advice. I'm still figuring out what I'm able to handle with my body, a little at a time. I'm hoping talking with a therapist one day might help me process this baggage better...

Yes ofc i hope u get to talk with a therapist <3 and remember your body is YOUR body, nobody else's :)

 

[Againstthewind]

You need to set clear boundaries, period. It takes two to tango as they say, you both can get sexual gratification from sex, however there is a consent element in this where unless you verbally say yes, it is not consent. I don't care about 'she sort of wanted it' 'she didn't say no', whatever else the usual terrible excuses are.

You know in your heart that part of this is wrong.

There was something in there that I noticed which shows the intention of an individual. You had brought this to there attention, and they shushed you, which is implicating that you're being hysterical or your concern isn't valid or you're overreacting.

Regardless, in a relationship, boundaries need to be set and respected. This is non-negotiable. Of course you need to have a talk and communicate this however, you may get a response that states that you are being silly and creating drama from nothing. But, you're not asking for some crazy demand, you're asking for respect, you are asking for self-respect for yourself. If that person can't do something that simple it's not about that, that person doesn't respect the relationship, it is that, that person doesn't respect you and that is a big old red flag. (too many that that's, god damn) smoking weed, or or even drinking alcohol isn't an excuse either even if your decisions are impaired, don't smoke weed or drink alcohol. (not saying you drink alcohol by the way)