Every time I feel like things are improving and I'm getting better mentally and physically, something always happens that just messes everything up, like a big fuck you to me, courtesy of the universe.
This constant up and down makes me feel so hopeless. I dont even enjoy "happy" moments anymore, I dont even remember what "happiness" even feels like. I'm just living life waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the moment to be ruined because I know it will happen, some way or another I am bound to fuck it up because thats just the person that I am. I've tried to be better, I've tried to change but it all amounts to nothing in the end. I feel like a disappointment. I'm so tired of trying.
I really really feel useless, growing up my only useful thing was that I was somewhat smart so I did well in my school work which was expected of me since I live in a country where academic ability is highly prized, but now that I'm older I know Im not even that good for that. I'm barely passing my classes, not for lack of trying, but just cuz I honestly cant understand what Im learning. Moreover, my fucked up childhood has given me such bad trust issues that I dont even dare to make close friends. I have friends but I know that when it comes down to it I cant depend on any of them. No one knows about my previous suicide attempts, my family only knows that I've self harmed in the past but they just try to pretend it never happened. They only bring it up in arguments when they want to make a point about how useless I am.
The last few years have been really bad for me so when this year was going better I had hope that maybe all my efforts to survive had paid off and things were actually going to get better. But I've just lost all hope. Nothing will change. I will forever be stuck walking on eggshells, trapped in this vicious cycle. I dont see any point in continuing my life. Not when it means living like this. As young as I can remember, I would tell myself that I just had to bear with this situation until I'm older then I can leave this all behind and finally be happy. I'm much older now repeating the same words but the difference is that I no longer believe it. I have chosen my method of exit, its likely going to be painful but I do not have any other means of doing so. I just want this pain to end. I've asked people before which they would prefer, being guaranteed to live till 100 years old but die the most painful death possible or die a painless death right now. Most people chose to die painfully. When I asked why, one of my friends said that because theres still so much of life left to see. I guess thats the difference between me and everyone I know. I cant understand why they want to live so badly. I'm ok with missing out on my future, especially if its a fucking horrible existence like my past. My continued existence only makes people miserable. I would do anything to trade my potential for a peaceful and quick death. I know that deep down I am scared of dying, I dont want to die and I hate that I'll be admitting defeat but I'm not strong enough to carry on anymore.
I'm not sure why I'm even saying this but I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. if you've read to the end, thanks for reading my rant. I dont know when I'll get the courage to follow thru w my words but atp its more of a inevitable countdown rather than a far fetched possibility. also shout out to my mother's boyfriend who has made my life hell. i wont ever tell u or leave u a note because i wont waste any second of long awaited peace to bring u yours.
This constant up and down makes me feel so hopeless. I dont even enjoy "happy" moments anymore, I dont even remember what "happiness" even feels like. I'm just living life waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the moment to be ruined because I know it will happen, some way or another I am bound to fuck it up because thats just the person that I am. I've tried to be better, I've tried to change but it all amounts to nothing in the end. I feel like a disappointment. I'm so tired of trying.
I really really feel useless, growing up my only useful thing was that I was somewhat smart so I did well in my school work which was expected of me since I live in a country where academic ability is highly prized, but now that I'm older I know Im not even that good for that. I'm barely passing my classes, not for lack of trying, but just cuz I honestly cant understand what Im learning. Moreover, my fucked up childhood has given me such bad trust issues that I dont even dare to make close friends. I have friends but I know that when it comes down to it I cant depend on any of them. No one knows about my previous suicide attempts, my family only knows that I've self harmed in the past but they just try to pretend it never happened. They only bring it up in arguments when they want to make a point about how useless I am.
The last few years have been really bad for me so when this year was going better I had hope that maybe all my efforts to survive had paid off and things were actually going to get better. But I've just lost all hope. Nothing will change. I will forever be stuck walking on eggshells, trapped in this vicious cycle. I dont see any point in continuing my life. Not when it means living like this. As young as I can remember, I would tell myself that I just had to bear with this situation until I'm older then I can leave this all behind and finally be happy. I'm much older now repeating the same words but the difference is that I no longer believe it. I have chosen my method of exit, its likely going to be painful but I do not have any other means of doing so. I just want this pain to end. I've asked people before which they would prefer, being guaranteed to live till 100 years old but die the most painful death possible or die a painless death right now. Most people chose to die painfully. When I asked why, one of my friends said that because theres still so much of life left to see. I guess thats the difference between me and everyone I know. I cant understand why they want to live so badly. I'm ok with missing out on my future, especially if its a fucking horrible existence like my past. My continued existence only makes people miserable. I would do anything to trade my potential for a peaceful and quick death. I know that deep down I am scared of dying, I dont want to die and I hate that I'll be admitting defeat but I'm not strong enough to carry on anymore.
I'm not sure why I'm even saying this but I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. if you've read to the end, thanks for reading my rant. I dont know when I'll get the courage to follow thru w my words but atp its more of a inevitable countdown rather than a far fetched possibility. also shout out to my mother's boyfriend who has made my life hell. i wont ever tell u or leave u a note because i wont waste any second of long awaited peace to bring u yours.
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