Being relaxed.
I haven't mastered any magic mindull meditative process ....
( haven't even tried , beyond a few self affirming mantras ... )
But sometimes , to be in my own existence with all the usual bullshit turned down ,
just 'being' without the vigilance of paranoid worry ...
Such a relief .
I think it's what 'normality' might be like .
I've stopped booze and dope.
Over the past week I've smoked a couple of leaf joints .
They were mild on the psychoactive front , although I felt that old familiar rush of imagination
combined with a sense of self affirming validity in 'being myself' in a 'creative' zone.
I noticed yesterday that the effect wasn't that pronounced and that the tolerance was building ,
( a sense of a hangover , muzzy mind fog the next day .)
But on the positive side , the sense of 'being in the moment' and playing some music ,
took me back to the highest points of my youth when music was so special , but so under nourished .
So , for me , a bit stoned into matteringness meaning and sensual enjoyment of music .
Being in that relaxed piano resonating fascination and enjoyment with the minutiae of sonic vibrations
and the potential for where it may lead ... awesome.
( The storms of self accusing incompetence shrilling harpies quickly gather of course ... with their all too accurate criticisms ...
but those moments of relaxed at oneness with me in that world are a joy . )