Help Things have improved, but I still think I have problems about socializing with other people.

[Anonymous1997ES]

First of all I have to say thanks to this forum, for their kindness and support back when I was on my darkest days... Saw the current situation of the website, and it's horrible... Those journalists don't even understand what's like to be in pain, to be isolated or feel like oxygen is slowly running out...

After all, it was this site that gave me hope... For I couldn't talk about this with anyone except my immediate family and therapist... And I'm sure it has done the same towards so many others...

Honestly, I feel like things are way too good to be true... Or at the very least, bearable. (Sorry if this sounds narcissistic).

I talked with many people from my past and reached out once more, apologized to those I truly needed to do so, increased my efforts into being a better friend, family member and person, expressed my feelings and said what I really wanted to instead of keeping my thoughts locked up and so on...

This year... I finally made new friends, reconnected with old ones (more or less in some cases), made some acquaintances and even got new family members and/or parental/mentor figures... While I'm very grateful to have them in my life, I remembered why I stopped trying to make friends...

As in this year I met three people whom I thought I could be good friends... And so far, only one friendship is still remaining strong... As this always happens one way or another... I got ghosted in one, and the other is probably going through that path as well (I'm not really sure to be honest).

Sometimes I don't even know what I've done wrong, I try to be careful to not make people uncomfortable, but I've learned that if you ask them that (what you've possibly done wrong), you will most likely get insulted or blocked, so I just let things go... Is that too much to ask? To learn where I failed, which mistake I made, so I can improve and never do so again in the future?

I'm even afraid that I might get cancelled (like in cancel culture), because I joined a server to try to make friends, and I not only failed doing so, but I'm deadly afraid that I made people there feel uncomfortable or something like that, because after a few months there were cases where people ended up ignoring me, and sorry if this sound selfish but, when I left that server, no one asked if I was okay, and eventually I think I got ghosted by the only friend I made in there (was one of the three I mentioned)... I tried to be supportive, to respect people's boundaries, to apologize if I made a mistake, to not text people in the server unless they texted me first (or if I had their permisson to do so), but I'm scared that I only left a bad impression or a sour mood in those people...

I don't have any right to complain... In comparison to where I used to be months ago I'm way better, and it's nothing compared to the pain of others... Sure, there are things that won't change, but at least I'm learning to accept them and slowly move on, but being ghosted without knowing why really hurts... I know it's hypocritical, because when I was depressed I ended up ghosting people, and even while I didn't want to hurt them, in the end, only the results of my inaction mattered...

 

[eternalpeace]

Well congrats on doing better than you were before. That's huge! I struggle with friendships too. (One of my very best friends in the world ghosted me, and I will never know why. It was very painful, and it took a long time to get over). Some people are just blessed with good social skills and they always have friends wherever they go. Not all of us are so lucky. I have tried very hard to build my social skills, but I still feel like there is something everyone else just "gets", and I will never, ever "get" it no matter what I do. I hope your one friendship out of 3 works out for you. 1 out of 3 isn't bad! (I'm pretty sure I'm 0 for 50 lol...)

 

[timf]

Friendships are tricky. We live in an age of unprecedented selfishness. As a result, most people are sensitive to who what makes them feel good and what doesn't. People can quickly be discarded if they trigger uncomfortable feelings or even fail to generate sufficient positive feelings.

You might find a higher percentage of people willing to deal with awkwardness in groups that have a common goal like churches, political groups, book clubs, or even AA.

 

[CC123]

Look at politicians and professional entertainers.
People practiced at socializing.
They can't connect with everyone.
Don't let the perfect be the enemy of good.
Professionals can't get along with everybody.
Don't think you can socialize with everyone.
No one can.

 

[Anonymous1997ES]

Well congrats on doing better than you were before. That's huge! I struggle with friendships too. (One of my very best friends in the world ghosted me, and I will never know why. It was very painful, and it took a long time to get over). Some people are just blessed with good social skills and they always have friends wherever they go. Not all of us are so lucky. I have tried very hard to build my social skills, but I still feel like there is something everyone else just "gets", and I will never, ever "get" it no matter what I do. I hope your one friendship out of 3 works out for you. 1 out of 3 isn't bad! (I'm pretty sure I'm 0 for 50 lol...)

Dear God... Sorry to hear that happened to you, people should at least tell someone why they don't want to be friends anymore instead of just leaving...

Agreed... I've met some people that just needed to exist in order to be accepted by others, and despite most of my efforts, I barely managed to either make/keep college friendships (except maybe 1-2, and ended up being mostly tolerated in there...

Do you have someone you trust whom you can ask about that thing many people get and sometimes we don't? Maybe someone said a bad rumor about you behind your back or something like that, I've heard it sadly happens to people... Also sorry to hear about your failed friendships, that can create a huge burden in someone's soul... Wish society would give people more chances, instead of just tossing others away at the first sign of someone being different...

Look at politicians and professional entertainers.
People practiced at socializing.
They can't connect with everyone.
Don't let the perfect be the enemy of good.
Professionals can't get along with everybody.
Don't think you can socialize with everyone.
No one can.

Your words are 100% right, had to learn the part of "don't think you can socialize/connect with everyone", the hard way... Because that way, at most you'll be an "acquaintance" to those people, and they might think you're fake or a hypocrite for trying to befriend everyone instead of just with a small group of people, wonder how those politicians can try to do so every single time...

Friendships are tricky. We live in an age of unprecedented selfishness. As a result, most people are sensitive to who what makes them feel good and what doesn't. People can quickly be discarded if they trigger uncomfortable feelings or even fail to generate sufficient positive feelings.

You might find a higher percentage of people willing to deal with awkwardness in groups that have a common goal like churches, political groups, book clubs, or even AA.

Agreed, have learned that sometimes it's better to not ask what happened and just walk away to avoid further trouble... Most of the friends I still have I met them on high school (like 90%), and the rest were from either college or the internet (like 10%). It's hard to trust, but a life without connections is really difficult...

Wish that didn't happen to anyone...