crowbait
they/them
- Oct 4, 2022
- 65
This isn't my first go at things but this was going to be my most educated attempt. Everytime I've tried to hang myself before I've survived, but I planned on using a technique I saw on here. I got supplies and planned for the first or second week of November, and you can see in my post history my agonizing over how this would effect my close friend. This was real, and in itself a postponed attempt which during the spring and summer I had planned for September 1st.
But things suddenly got better- I of course have fifty reasons for wanting to leave, but one of them was I was under the impression that due to failing my second year of university I was screwed for loans, setting into motion one of my motivations: my chronic financial instability that at one point led to me being homeless. But it turns out I am still eligible, and now I'm suddenly feeling a little hopeful for life knowing I'm about to have a bunch of disposable income. I might even be able to get my own apartment and not live in a random family's spare room. I feel so excited- I can get tattoos, cider and apple whiskey, new skirts, new boots. I can work less often at my stressful job.
My life is still not great, and I still feel crushingly unloved and alone, so I think I'll get a grasp on the process of acquiring N as a more effective method when things get bad again- I can see myself setting a tentative future date for my birthday. But I feel, not happy, but less awful. When I told my aforementioned close friend that my loan situation got resolved I was so relieved, and he was happy for me too, but I almost wanted to explain to him why I was so deeply, deeply shocked and thrown by it. I have to care about school and life again. There is a possibility of me even making it to the end of university.
I felt a strange guilt talking to him about it knowing what I was going to do to him in a few weeks. He has trauma from another loved one leaving. I remember when I told him about my planned date for Sept 1st- I made it sound less certain than it was but he still had such a visceral reaction. Choked noise bursting in his throat, grabbing me and holding me against him like he thought I was going to leave and do it right then. That moment made me feel such violent guilt- not enough to be the reason I postponed, but still. I hate hurting people so much. So I can't tell him what I was about to do, so I guess he'll just think I really, really cared about paying off my tuition in time.
But things suddenly got better- I of course have fifty reasons for wanting to leave, but one of them was I was under the impression that due to failing my second year of university I was screwed for loans, setting into motion one of my motivations: my chronic financial instability that at one point led to me being homeless. But it turns out I am still eligible, and now I'm suddenly feeling a little hopeful for life knowing I'm about to have a bunch of disposable income. I might even be able to get my own apartment and not live in a random family's spare room. I feel so excited- I can get tattoos, cider and apple whiskey, new skirts, new boots. I can work less often at my stressful job.
My life is still not great, and I still feel crushingly unloved and alone, so I think I'll get a grasp on the process of acquiring N as a more effective method when things get bad again- I can see myself setting a tentative future date for my birthday. But I feel, not happy, but less awful. When I told my aforementioned close friend that my loan situation got resolved I was so relieved, and he was happy for me too, but I almost wanted to explain to him why I was so deeply, deeply shocked and thrown by it. I have to care about school and life again. There is a possibility of me even making it to the end of university.
I felt a strange guilt talking to him about it knowing what I was going to do to him in a few weeks. He has trauma from another loved one leaving. I remember when I told him about my planned date for Sept 1st- I made it sound less certain than it was but he still had such a visceral reaction. Choked noise bursting in his throat, grabbing me and holding me against him like he thought I was going to leave and do it right then. That moment made me feel such violent guilt- not enough to be the reason I postponed, but still. I hate hurting people so much. So I can't tell him what I was about to do, so I guess he'll just think I really, really cared about paying off my tuition in time.
