Hi! I'm back on here after 5 years(?) I see a lot of pain and I wanted to leave a token of hope for those who see this post.
The vast majority of my life was… really awful. I had a fucked up family, a fucked up body, and a fucked up mind. I was going through emotional abuse from multiple family members, being bullied at school, diagnosed with soooo many mental health disorders. I was convinced I was a fundamentally bad person and I hurt everyone around me, but all I wanted was to be good, but no matter what I did, it seemed like I couldn't be. I've also been chronically suicidal since I was 5. Eventually, things got so bad I was in therapy, but my therapist couldn't help me and referred me to someone else… who referred me to someone else… who referred me to someone else that went on about 10 times over the span of several years not including multiple hospitalizations and php and residential programs. I went through many ctb attempts. I was also constantly getting my meds adjusted but nothing helped me. At my lowest point, I was going to try to ctb (again), and right before I did it, I remembered all the stuff I went through: screaming into the void for help FOR YEARS and even though it was ridiculous and futile, I told myself "one last chance. all I need is one last chance" because I owe myself that. So I hospitalized myself and instead of lying to get myself out, I told the truth and got sent to another residential program. They put me on new meds, but these ones actually worked. I got time away from my messed up family. And I worked REALLY HARD on myself. I started doing all the positive affirmations and reframing thoughts that I thought were stupid and didn't believe. I deconstructed the idea that anyone is "bad" or "good". I now know you are only your choices and you choose what you are. Then I started looking at what I was doing that was harmful instead of attributing it to being a bad person. I implemented opposite action that they teach in dbt. I started working out (because it's part of the program). And i wanted to kill myself, but sometimes I didn't. And that sometimes grew just a little at first and then more and more. i left the program and got out of my messed up house. But I started having health problems like being sick everyday and developing amnesia. I thought I was going insane and no doctor could figure out what was wrong. My social anxiety got worse and I couldn't leave the house anymore. I dropped out of high school because of my cognitive decline. I started doing self EMDR during this time which helped with trauma. I researched my own medical problems and eventually realized the medication was causing problem and decreased it (too scared to go off of it). I somehow finished high school and was supposed to go to college, but I was so cognitively impaired that it wasn't liveable, so I was going to cbt, but I told myself "one more time, just go and if it doesn't work out then you can die, but don't die yet, you owe yourself that". So I went and didn't know how to talk to people or exist or take care of myself. I kept having panic attacks in public, but I was trying. I put myself out there and it didn't work but I tried again and again and again and again and one time it stuck and I made a friend. I developed a stategey to making friends. And I kept working on myself. The cognitive impairment died down from lowering my meds and eventually I felt secure enough to get off of them. The friends I made wanted to room together the next year, so we did. And I kept putting myself out there and trying and failing and hating myself and remembering I need to give myself grace. I started a notes app on my phone where I write down good things people have said about me to read when I spiral. I'm a lot happier than I used to be and my life infinitely better. My depression, anxiety, eating disorder, ptsd, self harm, and skin picking disorder are in remission (though they love to peek out every couple months before I quickly shove them back in the closet) and I'm surrounded by loving friends with a career path and a whole life ahead of me. A life that I built brick by brick with my own blood, sweat, and tears. Sometimes I want to die still. I think I always will. But I'll tell myself "just one more chance" because progress isn't a straight line and things don't get better overnight. I remember that I choose who I become and I can decide not to be the person I was yesterday. I don't need to apologize for who I am (as long as I'm not hurting anyone) and the right people will find me eventually as long as I keep looking. I choose to live not because suicide is selfish, but I choose to live for ME just one more time
To anyone reading this, I want you to know that if you want to get better and you put in the work it IS possibly, not easy, not fast, not perfect, not always in remission, but better and worth living. This platform can be helpful but can also be an echo chamber of negativity because people like me who have gotten better tend to leave and people who haven't tend to stay. I'm sending you all love
The vast majority of my life was… really awful. I had a fucked up family, a fucked up body, and a fucked up mind. I was going through emotional abuse from multiple family members, being bullied at school, diagnosed with soooo many mental health disorders. I was convinced I was a fundamentally bad person and I hurt everyone around me, but all I wanted was to be good, but no matter what I did, it seemed like I couldn't be. I've also been chronically suicidal since I was 5. Eventually, things got so bad I was in therapy, but my therapist couldn't help me and referred me to someone else… who referred me to someone else… who referred me to someone else that went on about 10 times over the span of several years not including multiple hospitalizations and php and residential programs. I went through many ctb attempts. I was also constantly getting my meds adjusted but nothing helped me. At my lowest point, I was going to try to ctb (again), and right before I did it, I remembered all the stuff I went through: screaming into the void for help FOR YEARS and even though it was ridiculous and futile, I told myself "one last chance. all I need is one last chance" because I owe myself that. So I hospitalized myself and instead of lying to get myself out, I told the truth and got sent to another residential program. They put me on new meds, but these ones actually worked. I got time away from my messed up family. And I worked REALLY HARD on myself. I started doing all the positive affirmations and reframing thoughts that I thought were stupid and didn't believe. I deconstructed the idea that anyone is "bad" or "good". I now know you are only your choices and you choose what you are. Then I started looking at what I was doing that was harmful instead of attributing it to being a bad person. I implemented opposite action that they teach in dbt. I started working out (because it's part of the program). And i wanted to kill myself, but sometimes I didn't. And that sometimes grew just a little at first and then more and more. i left the program and got out of my messed up house. But I started having health problems like being sick everyday and developing amnesia. I thought I was going insane and no doctor could figure out what was wrong. My social anxiety got worse and I couldn't leave the house anymore. I dropped out of high school because of my cognitive decline. I started doing self EMDR during this time which helped with trauma. I researched my own medical problems and eventually realized the medication was causing problem and decreased it (too scared to go off of it). I somehow finished high school and was supposed to go to college, but I was so cognitively impaired that it wasn't liveable, so I was going to cbt, but I told myself "one more time, just go and if it doesn't work out then you can die, but don't die yet, you owe yourself that". So I went and didn't know how to talk to people or exist or take care of myself. I kept having panic attacks in public, but I was trying. I put myself out there and it didn't work but I tried again and again and again and again and one time it stuck and I made a friend. I developed a stategey to making friends. And I kept working on myself. The cognitive impairment died down from lowering my meds and eventually I felt secure enough to get off of them. The friends I made wanted to room together the next year, so we did. And I kept putting myself out there and trying and failing and hating myself and remembering I need to give myself grace. I started a notes app on my phone where I write down good things people have said about me to read when I spiral. I'm a lot happier than I used to be and my life infinitely better. My depression, anxiety, eating disorder, ptsd, self harm, and skin picking disorder are in remission (though they love to peek out every couple months before I quickly shove them back in the closet) and I'm surrounded by loving friends with a career path and a whole life ahead of me. A life that I built brick by brick with my own blood, sweat, and tears. Sometimes I want to die still. I think I always will. But I'll tell myself "just one more chance" because progress isn't a straight line and things don't get better overnight. I remember that I choose who I become and I can decide not to be the person I was yesterday. I don't need to apologize for who I am (as long as I'm not hurting anyone) and the right people will find me eventually as long as I keep looking. I choose to live not because suicide is selfish, but I choose to live for ME just one more time
To anyone reading this, I want you to know that if you want to get better and you put in the work it IS possibly, not easy, not fast, not perfect, not always in remission, but better and worth living. This platform can be helpful but can also be an echo chamber of negativity because people like me who have gotten better tend to leave and people who haven't tend to stay. I'm sending you all love
