Red
Warlock
- Apr 10, 2019
- 744
Nobody wants to help, to give me anything to cling on to. I can't keep flailing out to find nothing - I'm pretty sure that nobody actually wants me here anymore, that they're just waiting for the situation to "take care of itself." It must be tiresome to witness - if only they knew just how tiresome it was to live this way. Just the physical stuff or this mental onslaught, but both at once? I just can't.
My time is coming closer. It's been a hell of a long time coming. I can't go through another week of treading water, choking while everyone else swims on, happily progressing with their lives; another ignored special occasion; another week, month, year of uselessness; another round of tests and appointments and disappointments.
It's all too much, it's always been too much. I'm not a real person and never have been. I can't continue. I'm starting not to even care about what I will leave behind; none of it cares about me, the connections that once bound me tug a little looser every day.
I might end up just doing it at home after all, for the hotels still aren't yet open due to covid and I don't want to do it outside where there is a chance I could be found and "saved"(plus who knows who might stumble across the body and have their life ruined??); I'm not quite sure how to structure it for the smallest impact. Should I cover my face and body? Tape a note to my forehead? A note on the outside of my door might be too much of an early warning and serve only to interrupt my efforts rather than explain them. I could easily be left for hours undiscovered, my worry is the impact when they finally discover me cold and blue... any ideas anyone??
So scared of causing more trouble by leaving this way but can't help but feel responsible for ruining lives while I'm here. I'm not good enough, have never been good enough. I just want peace and to stop feeling so utterly awful, both physically and mentally. It's all just too much at once.
I just want it to stop. I never wanted to be this much trouble to anybody but it seems like no matter what I do or how much effort I put in to trying so hard to be good, it's NEVER ENOUGH, it just sets me up for failure and somehow makes me worse than everyone else who doesn't even try?? Nothing makes any sense to me, nothing I've been told about the world seems to be true because it doesn't reward kindness and patience, it makes you an easier target for evil; you don't get what you put in, there's often a huge disparity between the two; nothing seems to follow any logic, there's too much chaos and there's no way to muddle through unless you are, just... lucky... and I think we've established by now how goddamn unlucky I've always been.
All this time, all my life I have put in so much work in the hopes that it would change, that I wouldn't keep going through the same old shit over and over, trying different ways to get through but still ultimately getting the same, disappointing results. It's never going to be okay. It's time to just accept that I'm never going to fit in anywhere and this illness just takes away that last thread of usefulness that kept me here; now I really am the embodiment of "burden"...
Having been that, a burden, for so many years as a needy child, confused adolescent and invalidated young adult; to have fought through all that to have then finally taken those happy, precious steps towards independence; to have actually felt of real use and clearly imagined a future in which I might finally be the master of my own destiny, self-sufficient and worthy... Only for it then to have been whipped away so cruelly without warning... I was so empowered at the time and so naively hopeful, why does my memory looking back taint it with suppositions of malice in those around me and why do I remember the unkindesses far more frequently than the kindnesses?? Aside from the unfavourable ratio, that is!
All isn't lost, it was never "had" to begin with. They're just waiting for me to do it and I am impatient to go. Soon I think the wait will be over and I can finally rest... and they can finally get on with their lives.
I feels like this was destined all along, that I somehow survived my most serious attempt at 17 in error and that the world has just been waiting for me to correct that mistake, but is incredulous that I'm still slogging through, like a piece of crap stuck between the treads of a Real Person's shoe...
I kind of don't feel much further obligation to keep clinging on, that by now there is no shame in bowing out. I gave it a go, I was crap at it, never mind. I just wish that opting out was easier. It's the failed attempt that I'm worried about, the way they treat you, like FFS you can't even get that right. Punishing you for feeling bad; making you feel worse for feeling awful in the first place. Obviously wanting you gone for all the trouble your "feelings" are causing but chiding you when you try to resolve the issue yourself?
Covering their own arses, trying to pretend they did all they could to keep you here while wishing the whole time for you to hurry up and be done with it.
Sorry ranted a lil more than intended - struggling somewhat today and needed this badly - thanks for reading if you got this far!
TLDR: any ideas on how to make the finding of my body (method OD and/or SN) easier on family?
My time is coming closer. It's been a hell of a long time coming. I can't go through another week of treading water, choking while everyone else swims on, happily progressing with their lives; another ignored special occasion; another week, month, year of uselessness; another round of tests and appointments and disappointments.
It's all too much, it's always been too much. I'm not a real person and never have been. I can't continue. I'm starting not to even care about what I will leave behind; none of it cares about me, the connections that once bound me tug a little looser every day.
I might end up just doing it at home after all, for the hotels still aren't yet open due to covid and I don't want to do it outside where there is a chance I could be found and "saved"(plus who knows who might stumble across the body and have their life ruined??); I'm not quite sure how to structure it for the smallest impact. Should I cover my face and body? Tape a note to my forehead? A note on the outside of my door might be too much of an early warning and serve only to interrupt my efforts rather than explain them. I could easily be left for hours undiscovered, my worry is the impact when they finally discover me cold and blue... any ideas anyone??
So scared of causing more trouble by leaving this way but can't help but feel responsible for ruining lives while I'm here. I'm not good enough, have never been good enough. I just want peace and to stop feeling so utterly awful, both physically and mentally. It's all just too much at once.
I just want it to stop. I never wanted to be this much trouble to anybody but it seems like no matter what I do or how much effort I put in to trying so hard to be good, it's NEVER ENOUGH, it just sets me up for failure and somehow makes me worse than everyone else who doesn't even try?? Nothing makes any sense to me, nothing I've been told about the world seems to be true because it doesn't reward kindness and patience, it makes you an easier target for evil; you don't get what you put in, there's often a huge disparity between the two; nothing seems to follow any logic, there's too much chaos and there's no way to muddle through unless you are, just... lucky... and I think we've established by now how goddamn unlucky I've always been.
All this time, all my life I have put in so much work in the hopes that it would change, that I wouldn't keep going through the same old shit over and over, trying different ways to get through but still ultimately getting the same, disappointing results. It's never going to be okay. It's time to just accept that I'm never going to fit in anywhere and this illness just takes away that last thread of usefulness that kept me here; now I really am the embodiment of "burden"...
Having been that, a burden, for so many years as a needy child, confused adolescent and invalidated young adult; to have fought through all that to have then finally taken those happy, precious steps towards independence; to have actually felt of real use and clearly imagined a future in which I might finally be the master of my own destiny, self-sufficient and worthy... Only for it then to have been whipped away so cruelly without warning... I was so empowered at the time and so naively hopeful, why does my memory looking back taint it with suppositions of malice in those around me and why do I remember the unkindesses far more frequently than the kindnesses?? Aside from the unfavourable ratio, that is!
All isn't lost, it was never "had" to begin with. They're just waiting for me to do it and I am impatient to go. Soon I think the wait will be over and I can finally rest... and they can finally get on with their lives.
I feels like this was destined all along, that I somehow survived my most serious attempt at 17 in error and that the world has just been waiting for me to correct that mistake, but is incredulous that I'm still slogging through, like a piece of crap stuck between the treads of a Real Person's shoe...
I kind of don't feel much further obligation to keep clinging on, that by now there is no shame in bowing out. I gave it a go, I was crap at it, never mind. I just wish that opting out was easier. It's the failed attempt that I'm worried about, the way they treat you, like FFS you can't even get that right. Punishing you for feeling bad; making you feel worse for feeling awful in the first place. Obviously wanting you gone for all the trouble your "feelings" are causing but chiding you when you try to resolve the issue yourself?
Covering their own arses, trying to pretend they did all they could to keep you here while wishing the whole time for you to hurry up and be done with it.
Sorry ranted a lil more than intended - struggling somewhat today and needed this badly - thanks for reading if you got this far!
TLDR: any ideas on how to make the finding of my body (method OD and/or SN) easier on family?
