Discussion They know..

[Mx_Pathetic]

It's 2024 in my country...happy new years everyone..
On the last day of 2023 I said something inappropriate to my friend about me ending my life next year. She said she was mad and that it was uncalled for and I completely agree. I acted out of embarrassment and uncomfortableness, which I shouldn't of done. Anyways I walked away and closed myself off in my room. My friends followed me and asked if I was okay. My 2 best friends both sat next to me and hugged me as I cried my eyes out. Why was I crying? Was it because I had said something toxic or was it because I couldn't tell my friends I wanted to kill myself without them getting upset..meaning I had no one to talk to about how I felt (expect for online venting) few minutes later I was done crying and we went back to the small new years party. Later I went back inside to go to the toilet and one of my best friends who Ive know since birth walked in...she asked the question I was dreading. What's wrong? Talk to me? I told her I couldn't talk about it, that it would only make her sad and worried. (I had already told my other best friend and everytime I brought it up she'd get upset. I also told my mum and now she's worried about me) Anyways...after awhile I caved and told her- I said "I want to end my life next year" I waited in silence for a response expecting to be shut down immediately but in my suprise she said something like this. "I don't want you to do that, I'd miss you." I was honestly and still am shocked. We spoke more about it and I explained that I felt that even tho it was "selfish" even tho I should "try more" I felt that I had to put myself first and that I had tried to the point of exhaustion...now when I say I wasn't expecting this I really mean it...
She said "I know I can't convince you not too. But I hope when you do that you think of me. I want you to know that you've been there for me more then you could know." She added "I love you" I generally had to hold back tears as a I said it back... Shes currently sleeping next me. My best friend... Someone who's been there for me in my literally hardest times...I feel so bad for telling her about ending my life in 2024. How dear I make her worry about me. Yet she still said "I'll spend more time with you next year if this is true"
Idk what to do. I'm so emotional right now. I feel bad and upset at myself for hurting someone I care about. But in the end I know I'll be happier and free when I take my own life. I wish it could be more peaceful and less painful. But atleast I won't be suffering everyday anymore. I have such mixed feeling...
Should I not of told her????

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Anyways I walked away and closed myself off in my room. My friends followed me and asked if I was okay. My 2 best friends both sat next to me and hugged me as I cried my eyes out. Why was I crying? Was it because I had said something toxic or was it because I couldn't tell my friends I wanted to kill myself without them getting upset..meaning I had no one to talk to about how I felt (expect for online venting)

Sometimes, we tend to speak from honesty, from a deep place in our minds and you did, not that I'd blame you considering how difficult it is to hold back your thought of ctb around friends while being around them. I think that's why you were crying, maybe it was also the fact that you got it out and it felt emotionally overwhelming to do so.

Anyways...after awhile I caved and told her- I said "I want to end my life next year" I waited in silence for a response expecting to be shut down immediately but in my suprise she said something like this. "I don't want you to do that, I'd miss you." I was honestly and still am shocked. We spoke more about it and I explained that I felt that even tho it was "selfish" even tho I should "try more" I felt that I had to put myself first and that I had tried to the point of exhaustion...now when I say I wasn't expecting this I really mean it...

it's understandable, all of this happening rather fast so you had a tricky time processing all of this. Did you expect her not to say that she'd miss you at all? She has been your friend for years after all.

How dear I make her worry about me. Yet she still said "I'll spend more time with you next year if this is true"
Idk what to do. I'm so emotional right now. I feel bad and upset at myself for hurting someone I care about. But in the end I know I'll be happier and free when I take my own life. I wish it could be more peaceful and less painful. But atleast I won't be suffering everyday anymore. I have such mixed feeling...

She worries because she cares about you, she's willing to spend as much time as possible to make sure you'll be fine. Now does that mean it'll mean you don't ctb? I don't know but it seems like a big weight was taken off you by doing this. Sometimes, whilst we may fear the reactions of those we care about when it comes to our plans to ctb, there are reactions like this that leave us emotionally exhausted bur relieved.

In any case, I hope you'll be OK, let us know things go alright?

 

[Redacted24]

She, and your other friends, sound like they genuinely care about you. A lot of people we call friends turn out to not really be that when confronted with difficult topics.

I think your best friend was completely honest with you, and yes it does come across as selfish of someone to want to hold onto another even knowing they are suffering. But I can't fault her for that.

I think you were right to let everyone know. I hope that the breath of honesty and candor helps you find the peace to choose your path with eyes open, shoulders back, and with purpose.

Wishing you the best for this year!

 

[Deleted member 65988]

She added "I love you" I generally had to hold back tears as a I said it back... Shes currently sleeping next me. My best friend... Someone who's been there for me in my literally hardest times...I feel so bad for telling her about ending my life in 2024

To be honest, I don't think you should feel bad at all, you felt so much in that moment from an emotional standpoint and had to let it out. Some hold back even in that moment but in your case, this was someone who meant a lot to you. She's been there through the darkest times in your life but she stuck around and that's worth more than any kind of money out there and something very valuable. If someone I was friends for years said that to me, I'd be hard-pressed to hold my emotions back as I usually do.

A lot of people we call friends turn out to not really be that when confronted with difficult topics.

that's so true. Most people just won't handle such topics as well as OPs friends did. They'll even make you feel guilty for such feelings.

 

[GhostKing714]

I think you are extremely lucky to have such people in your life. Honestly I think you did good in telling her, as it was what you felt like you wanted to do, and she had the best reaction I have ever heard of. In the end, the decision to end it is all yours. No matter how much another person can love us or support us, the can't be happy for us especially when we simply can't find happiness or hope anymore.