anywhere_else
Floating on
- Apr 30, 2023
- 40
Hey everyone. I'm a new member, so apologies if I get anything wrong. I found this forum a few weeks ago in a fit of desperation while searching for a method to CTB that wouldn't be so traumatic for those that found me. After reading so much I've come to think less rashly, and I'm now taking a more considered approach. These are the vague threads of my story, before it all ends.
I've suffered with suicidal ideation for a long time. I was 13 when I first remember sitting on my bedroom floor, looping my belt round my neck and pulling tight until I nearly passed out. Thirteen. Arguments at home and just a general sense of not belonging and I knew I didn't want to live before I even grew up. I then progressed to cutting when I was 16, then moved onto two unsuccessful attempts to hang myself.
The worst part is I feel like I have no right to feel this way. My family life is better now. I've always had friends. I just feel like the world wasn't built for me. I want to be a recluse sometimes but when I do I'm always judged as though I should be living a certain way. I grew into an adult following these rules. I got married. She'll never know how much it breaks me that I can't make her happy because I just don't want to be here.
Recently I got close with someone who shared in my pain. The only time I've ever been able to be myself. But they've gone now and I have nothing. It just feels like I wake up every morning with a bowling ball pressed into the pit of my stomach and I can't stop crying. Self-harm has turned into self-destruction. I smoke even though I hate the taste, I eat garbage even though I yearn for freshness, I drink every day to feel nothing. Or maybe feel something. I'm not sure anymore.
Two weeks ago I wrote a note and looked for a way out. I am no longer afraid of dying or death. I'm just afraid of ruining peoples lives by making them find me. So I think I'm going to go far out to sea and disappear. I'll explore my methods more, and make sure preparations are in place.
I know I said I sometimes like being alone. But if anyone is reading please don't leave me alone with this. I just want in these final weeks to know that there's at least one person who understands.
I've suffered with suicidal ideation for a long time. I was 13 when I first remember sitting on my bedroom floor, looping my belt round my neck and pulling tight until I nearly passed out. Thirteen. Arguments at home and just a general sense of not belonging and I knew I didn't want to live before I even grew up. I then progressed to cutting when I was 16, then moved onto two unsuccessful attempts to hang myself.
The worst part is I feel like I have no right to feel this way. My family life is better now. I've always had friends. I just feel like the world wasn't built for me. I want to be a recluse sometimes but when I do I'm always judged as though I should be living a certain way. I grew into an adult following these rules. I got married. She'll never know how much it breaks me that I can't make her happy because I just don't want to be here.
Recently I got close with someone who shared in my pain. The only time I've ever been able to be myself. But they've gone now and I have nothing. It just feels like I wake up every morning with a bowling ball pressed into the pit of my stomach and I can't stop crying. Self-harm has turned into self-destruction. I smoke even though I hate the taste, I eat garbage even though I yearn for freshness, I drink every day to feel nothing. Or maybe feel something. I'm not sure anymore.
Two weeks ago I wrote a note and looked for a way out. I am no longer afraid of dying or death. I'm just afraid of ruining peoples lives by making them find me. So I think I'm going to go far out to sea and disappear. I'll explore my methods more, and make sure preparations are in place.
I know I said I sometimes like being alone. But if anyone is reading please don't leave me alone with this. I just want in these final weeks to know that there's at least one person who understands.
