I wish I could say anytime, but I know time is finite. I listen to your poem, and found beauty in your words and phrasing.
I've always loved writing, myself. I feel it's the truest expression of our selves. You can see someone's heart in their words, and yours is a heavy one, far too familiar with loss and isolation. For what it's worth, your words brought me comfort. It's one of the great tragedies of life, how unkind and inconsistent this world is, and the people in it. A distant shore awaits. May you find peace there, friend.
If for any reason you change your mind, I'm always around if you'd like to talk. If, however, your mind is set - feel free to message me before the end, even if only to have company before your final swim.
Thank you so so much, this is really comforting.
I failed English in school but have always find a heart in writing.
I will give you something to read, not quite a poem but something I wrote a few months ago, that expressed my feelings better than I ever could.
"
Why? Why am I no longer human, cause I don't want to be. Humans have emotions and fears and they live in fear that one day death will inevitably come for them. I don't fear this day, I welcome it, I will take myself to it, but before I do that let me share some stories with you.
When I was three years old, I was downstairs and my mother and step father were arguing. These arguments got loud and stuff always got broken, I remember my mother kicking the door to the flat open. And things were violent, I tried to protect my mother not knowing what I was doing, and that's the last I remember as next I woke up and the arguing had stopped.
There were thousands of these moments growing up and I'm so used to them I only remember the really bad ones. One time my step father drove his car into a telephone box I was in following an argument between him and my mother, but something like this happened every holiday we ever went on.
When I was 6/7, I remember I was going to a birthday party and it was a pirate theme and I was having face paint done at home. The brush tickled my skin so I kept flinching, I got told to stop three times but I couldn't, I remember I got slapped hard and got thrown up stairs and I was pushed so I was sat on my bed and my feet got kicked from under me, I remember that hurting and when I looked up my mother just stood there and watched.
Where was my father during this? He split before I was born and didn't really care. Wanna know the saddest part when I was young I used to dream I would find him and find out my life was a lie and he did want to be a part of it.
It wasn't all bad growing up and there are happy memories there, I remember when my mother and step father had the worst argument and they broke up for a couple of years we moved away but I would still go see him on weekends. But this was where the trauma really started.
See I had a next door neighbour who was also an outcast, she used to come round everyday. And when I used to stay on weekends, she used to be there. I used to go round hers she used to have the PlayStation two and a computer, something we could never afford.
It started in my living room, she was 13 and I was 8 years old, we were talking or playing cards or something. And she made me pull down her top and look at her chest, she told me to do it, I didn't understand what was going on, but I remember being scared. From there she asked if I liked it, I said no and then she grabbed hold of my penis and cause it was hard she said yes you do. She went home that night but it was only the beginning, I asked my family what it meant but I was just told you'll understand when you get older.
From there, I don't remember how long it was but every time I was in a room with her, things would be done to me. It started light and then got progressively worse to full penatration. I just know now that I hate the feeling of pubic hair touching me, and I hate people touching me all together, I can just about hold someone's hand and even that is a challenge for me.
Whilst all this was happening, there was a small area near my house behind the garages, there was a tree and a piece of cord there and I wrapped the cord around the tree and wrapped the cord around my neck and jumped, all I know is my neck didn't break but it hurt and and the cord snapped, I remember lying on my back thinking why couldn't god take me.
One day the abuse stopped I don't remember when but I do remember the scars remained and I buried them deep inside me. Since then I couldn't trust any woman and I hated them, cause no woman will ever love me cause I'm not a real man, a real man would have defended himself and said stop or don't do that, I did sex education in school I knew what it was I was just too scared to say no.
As I grew older I tried to tell my friends about it, but play it down a bit and they just laughed and said it was cool. How was it cool? I don't understand, wow I had sex with an older woman but I didn't have a choice in the matter.
Later in life, I found myself involved with drugs and crime, drugs took the pain away, and crime paid for those painkillers. I was intelligent but failed in school, I hated authority no one could tell me anything cause I was lost and diserted. No one loved me and I don't love anyone else. I was seen as troublesome but no one knew what I went through.
I've only met two people in my life who had as fucked up childhood as mine. One was dannii, I fell for her first, but she didn't want me, but she kept me around, cause she had a friend who she could do and talk about everything with, but could also be with other people. She knew I loved her but used to rub it in my face for her own pleasure. She played with my emotions cause it was fun to her, how do I know this? She told me.
Some time later after two years we finally got together but after two weeks she cheated on me with someone else. And this seemed to be a repeating cycle in my life. I don't blame her and I made peace with her not long ago, because I was putting all my affairs in order finally.
The second was Susana, this was a strange one. We met as friends, we joked laughed but I could see the pain in her eyes from the moment I first saw her pictures. Only pain recognises real pain.
We talked for a bit, but she told me she was going through some stuff and I asked if I could check on her. She let me, but after a couple of days she stopped replying, I didn't know if she was hurt or dead, but there was nothing I could do and I just sat and hoped to myself that she was okay.
She came back into my life after some dirty bastard had got a bit touchy with her and I was there for her shoulder to lean on. We talked for weeks following this, and we kept getting closer, I could understand her even though she didn't say anything, it was the way I used to be, and I always fought for her friendship. I told her things no one else ever knew and she told me things that I will take to my grave.
The problem was, we fell in love and this is the part that hurts the most, I was engaged to another and I've always been loyal to a fault. I understood why she ended it there, but it was the same situation as dannii I loved someone but they had another, I asked her to describe him one night and she put:
"he's really funny, always making me laugh, I love his personality and how he always tries to please me and never forgets the little things I tell him, he's kinda rude to others but never to me and I love that dick of course"
At that point I told her my feelings, and that's where she ended things. Not cause she didn't feel the same way it was cause she did. That's when I knew I will never be able to form a real relationship with anyone. Not that it mattered I planned to die that following week anyway.
So why am I telling you all this, because this is where it ends for me. I made it to 30 I made it to the end of where I wanted to be. I've been cold since I was 8 years old, and these emotions I recently felt were just confusion, someone pretended they cared but they didn't.
When I have tried to speak to her recently, she told me she doesn't give a fuck anymore, and that I'm sick and I should fuck off. Things like this cut so deep, I don't think I'll ever recover.
No one will ever understand the pain just judge it. I bought an exit bag and sent my notes out. I have no choice now, I've attempted to get help twice and the pills just made me sick.
I have nothing else to aim for, I never wanted a family in this cruel world, I know I'll have kids and be unable to love them, I lost two anyway due to a miscarriage, guess that's life's answer to that. I never wanted to be successful because that's the life I was given.
I was confused before, but now I get it, I cried for two days thinking about suicide, but when the tears stop you realise nothing was worth crying over especially not this piece of shit of a life.
If you get chance to read this before I ultimately go back to the earth, don't reach out to me you had your chance. I am cold and empty on the inside, so why not do the outside to match.
I wish it was as easy as scarring my body to show my pain, but when the scars are on the inside and they never heal..
To a lot of you I was the strongest person you knew, I held everything down when the times were toughest for all of us. I went to war for my friends and did stuff that I can never speak on. But when my pain finally broke me no one was there.
Not a soul will talk me out of this, and there isn't a pill or a therapist or a person who can fix me, I am broken into pieces and like glass the pieces just cut anyone who gets close.
All hope is lost for me, but be hopeful for yourselves, cause once this is done a cancer will be out your lives and within a couple of months you will forget and move on.
The pain gets easier for each of you, it just never did for me. I helped rebuild lives, I gave people a place to stay when they had no one else, but for me no one could help and some of you tried.
I don't care what any of you think of me now, or what happens next in your lives I won't be here to see it.
If you do manage to make it to my funeral don't you dare cry for me, Im not worth a single tear as I was never a real human being.
Goodbye. They told me i could be anything so I decided to be a suicide."
